


The Hard Times of Kenny J. Bahler.

by AriadneEurydice



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Drugs, F/M, Fist Fights, Kenny J. DONGER, Kenny joins Jesus Club, M/M, Maylene is a real person, Multi, Parties, Rainbow Parties, Reggie has insane ptsd, Sex, Stephan is on a 'sexy scooter', ball jokes, funny as hell give me a chance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-29
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-04-01 18:58:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 47,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4030999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AriadneEurydice/pseuds/AriadneEurydice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kenny J. Bahler is about as unpopular as one could be in high school. Other than hanging out with his sex-obsessed best friend, Drew, dreaming about the school babe, May, receiving daily beatings from jock Paul, and trying to avoid the advances of Giselle, Kenny's life is depressingly uneventful. That is, until an accident exposes his "gift" to the entire school. (He's a big nerd.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Donkey Dick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When one door closes, another opens. So, now that I have finished We Must Be Killers, let's start with The Hard Times. This is hetero just so you know, though there will be gay themes later on... And for those of you who don't know, I love Kenny with a goddamn passion, he is the best. Anyway, hope you guys like it! -Ariadne. So! Ball Jokes, Bahl Jokes and boys being boys.

* * *

My name is Kenny J. Bahler. Nature made me scrawny and weird looking, awkward and pale. Nature did a lot of things, but I'm not about to roll over and be nature's bitch. I'm gonna beat it.

My bed shook along with me as I stared at the picture of Cynthia - Dragon Tamer from the game Dungeons and Dragons. _Ride the dragon._ She was riding a thorn-back mountain dragon, her clothes ripped where his thorns snagged. It was placed close to my bed, on my nightstand.. for reasons..

_Beat the fact that I have more pairs of glasses than friends._

I moved my hand faster, my breathing ragged as I stared at her, her blue eyes staring back into mine. _Ride the dragon baby..._

_Beat the fact that I was born to lose._

"Hey Kenny!" My mother said, opening the door to my room. I turned over quickly and pulled my blanket up around my neck. "Baby, it's almost seven, move that sweet little tookus!" I put my head down near the side of my bed as she sat down next to me. "Helllooo?" She asked, her voice taking on a sing-songy tone as she began rubbing her hand on me, the way she always did.

But her hand was in the wrong place, I know my mother means well and I'm sure she mean to put her hand on my thigh. It's not on my thigh.

I struggled to get my breathing under control and finally she moved her hand away, her face full of concern. "Kenny are you ok?" She asked.

"Fine." My voice came out as a rough squeak.

"Are you crying?" She asked, her tone rising.

"No." I croaked.

"Kenny look at me is something wrong?" Her tone grew stern now, of course, there was something wrong with her baby, but not what she was thinking.

"No ca-can you please just give me another minute please?" I asked, looking at her.

She shook her head, "No sir, I gave you a minute fifteen minutes ag-" she cut off when her eyes focused on the bottle of lotion not two feet away from me. Her eyes traveled to the picture of Cynthia and her dragon. "Oh!" She stood up suddenly, "forgive me!" She said as she ran to my door as graceful as a mother who just caught her son jerking it could.

The door closed quietly, and I laid back down on the bed. "Damn it."

_What a killer.._

* * *

The school bell rang for breakfast and I sat down next to my best friend Drew at the table we had claimed all ninth year last year.

"O-P-P. Objective, Plan, Preform. Our objective is clear, get people to like us. Especially hot chicks." Drew said into his handheld camera. "With low self-esteem." He whispered finally, "Our plan? Infiltrate the beauty mob and charm them with our easygoing awesomeness! Now all we gotta do is-" He cut off as he looked over at me.

"Dude," he said, pointing the camera towards me. "Dude I am trying to document our rise to greatness are you paying attention?!" He shoved the camera in my face.

I pushed the camera away and he put it down, "May. Rochester." I said, and Drew's face changed. Drew and I stared for a second at the utter perfection that is May Rochester. "Be still my beating balls."

"So weird y'know?" He breathed.

"I know."

"Every year, you think she-"

"Can't get any hotter." We said in unison.

"Friday night's supposed to be like insane." I said, looking over at Drew.

"Rochester's pool party?" I shook my head. "Dude, it's the party of the semester! You know what I'm talking, Serena Mitchell, in a bikini." He motioned to his chest. "Bong rips and nip slips!" He grinned, "It's the key to kicking off our big year!"

"But that's one guest list I don't think we're on Drew." I said, looking over at him.

Drew looked back over at Serena and May and sighed, "Serena Mitchell, dude, I'd murder everyone I ever loved for one glimpse of those pepperonis."

Suddenly a book bag was slammed down on our table, Giselle appeared with it, popping gum. "Sup whores." She said, looking over at me and Drew. "Guess what's happening today?" She asked with a pop of her gum.

"You're taking a weedwacker to that mustache?" Drew asked, rolling his eyes.

Giselle laughed, more a dry one though. "Lipsky's posting sophomore study buddies." She said, looking over at me.

"So?" I asked, turning to Drew.

"Soo, perhaps I arranged to be buddies with a certain someone. You know, for all those late night cramming sessions." Her voice dropped low, her eyes traveling down me. Drew coughed.

"Giselle," I said, "Why are you so eager to ruin this friendship?"

"Why are you so afraid to ruin my sheets?" She asked. She leaned over the table more, I looked away and put a hand over my eyes.

"Giselle, If he wanted to fuck a dog, he'd just go to Cerulean." Drew said.

"Shut up Drew!" I looked over at him, Giselle smiled, I looked away again.

"I thought about you this morning Kenny." She said, sitting down across from us. She stuck two fingers in the air, Drew heaved. "About our kiss on that playground." she said, ignoring Drew.

"That was in kindergarten Giselle." I said, Drew dry-heaved some more.

"Yeah, back when you weren't the only flat-chested girl in our grade." Drew said, smiling at her.

"Just because you have bigger tits than half the girls in school-" I stopped listening as screaming started.

There stood Zoey Toniko, muttering something I couldn't hear before she packed up her things and left.

"There, that's what I'm talking about!" Drew said, pointing at the seat where Zoey had just been.

"What?"

"Dude, Zoey Toniko looked at you like you just burned down her house! Dude that is like the fifteenth time she's done that!" He shook his head.

"Did I tell you I have a date with Rudy on friday?" Giselle asked, shaking her hand in my face.

"Wait I'm sorry, you're going out with the dark knight?" I asked, looking over at Rudy, clad in all black. "That guy is like six feet of pure Columbine."

Giselle smiled, "Jealous?" She asked, a grin taking her face.

"What is he taking you to the cemetery? Are you guys gonna drink some absinthe and read from the Twilight books?" Drew and I laughed, the sight was too funny.

"Haha actually, he's talking me to May Rochester's party assholes." She said, Drew's face dropped. "And I wouldn't have to slum it with junior goths if you would just man up and take my offer Kenny." She smiled once again, nodding her head. "Anytime, anywhere, anyplace." She started getting up and leaned over the table, moving closer to me. "Any orifice." She whispered before she left. I had to stop the oncoming heaving session.

I looked back over to May and Serena, Paul Weiss walking up as May leaned up on her toes.

Drew and I watched as he kissed her, "Oh dude, Paul Weiss just shot down your boner in cold blood." He must have heard us because he looked over and began making hand motions behind her back, it looked like he was smacking her ass. "Dude what a dick." Drew grumbled, looking away.

* * *

I closed my locker, and made my way do the hall to find Lipsky's list of buddies.

"Excuse me, can I um, could I?" I tried to push my way past people, but kept getting shoved back.

"Coming through! Look out! Move!" Giselle said, appearing out of nowhere as she cleared a path and shoved everyone out of the way. She began reading off names. And there was a giggle of delight when she found mine, "Kenny J. Bahler and," she stopped, "May Rochester?! What the fuck?!" She screamed. She looked back at me and groaned before storming off.

I moved closer to the list, me and May? That can't be true, but it was. I looked around and spotted May, writing something down on a piece of paper. And as she began walking towards me it was like a dream as she ripped off her clothes, and dropped her bags. "Your dragon awaits, m'lady." I said as she handed me a paper, and suddenly she was clothed again.

"Email me so I have yours." She said, smiling at me as she walked off. I looked down at the piece of paper, marveling at her perfect handwriting.

* * *

My parents and their friends were laughing about some dirty joke when my dad leaned over and looked at my plate. "You gonna eat that last piece son?" He asked.

"No thanks, I'm pretty full."

"Oh what about you Bill? Last piece?"

"Oh no, gotta save some room Rick, something tells me I'm gonna be doing a lot of eating tonight ain't that right Johanna?" Bill said, looking over at my mother. My parents laughed along with their company. I felt awkward as Bill began running his foot up my leg.

"Wrong leg." I whispered, looking over at him, Bill blushed and put his foot down, thankfully.

"As long as you don't spoil your appetite honey, cause I brought your favourite dessert." Linda, Bill's wife said.

My dad nodded, before they all stared at each other, "Got enough for two Linda?" My dad asked.

"Or three?" My mother chimed in looking over at my dad, my dad's jaw dropped as the others laughed again.

"To three!" Linda saluted,

"To four." Bill said, the others looked back at him, but when he looked over at me they all began laughing again.

I tried to eat, tried, as they all made lewd noises at each other as they toasted.

"Haha," I began, dry laughing. "You know it's so funny, because you're talking about Linda's vagina." They all stopped and looked at me.

My dad cleared his throat, I dropped my fork, "I'm gonna go do drugs." I said, getting up from the table and walked out.

"I walked in on him masturbating this morning." My mother said, I turned back, but she didn't notice I was still within earshot. "Arceus bless him, he had his lotion and his tissue all laid out." Bill and Linda leaned on each other, shaking their heads. "Just yesterday he was a baby in my arms!" My mom said, looking up at my dad.

"Now he's playing with his baby arm!" Bill said, they all began laughing again. My father congratulated Bill on the joke, I continued to walk away, deciding not to say a thing.

I stayed up reading my Deadpool comics, trying to focus on the words to keep myself from hearing Linda get rammed by my dad. And vice versa with my mother.

Distant "yes!" and "oh god." were the norm as the wall behind me shook from the force of the bed.

I threw down the comic and lay there defeated, waiting for it to end.

* * *

I stood there, watching as Paul raced around the court like a bullet. His hands up in the air as he tried to block a boy from the other team.

We were 58-59, if Paul could just get the ball from the other guy and shoot- we'd win.

I stood by the coach, handing out water to the players that had just returned from the court. I could see Giselle and Drew sitting on the other side of the bleachers, Giselle was wearing an orange shirt with my face on it. Flanking my face were the words "I want you" on the top and "Inside me." oh the bottom.

"I love you Kenny!" She screamed Coach Sycamore looked over at me and laughed, it wasn't a friendly one.

Barry had the ball now, but he was being blocked by a guy from the other team, suddenly, he dribbled the ball once more and after he caught it, he hit the other guy in the face with it.

Soon a fight quickly broke our between the two teams, the referees also getting some in the process. I moved to stand up in the bleachers away from the crowd gathering.

This is not going to end well.

* * *

"Ejections are as follows, Canterbury - Players 1, 3, and 18. Sinhwonhan - 12, 37, 94, 55, 56 and 23." The referee said, looking back and forth between the coaches, backing away slowly.

Six players, six from our school were ejected.

"Woah woah, I don't have subs to cover that! That leaves me with four players!" Sycamore said, the referee only shrugged.

"Then I guess you'll have to forfeit."

Sycamore looked at a loss, before he turned and saw me, his face lit up and he smiled.

_Oh hell._

"Bahler! Get over here." He said, motioning me over. I put down the gauze and walked over.

"Please don't make me mop up anymore blood." I begged.

"Go put on a uniform." He whispered,

"But I don't even know how to play!" I whispered back.

"Dammit Bahler, you go put on a uniform or our deal is off! No more skipping gym." He warned, I shook my head. "Good, now hustle." He said, pointing me to the locker room.

I began walking away when I heard him say "Arceus have mercy on us."

__Arceus have mercy on us is right._ _

* * *

I stood there, looking stupid as I held up my shorts with my hands, they were too long.

Sycamore walked up to me as I walked back towards the rest of the team. "Now you listen here Bahler, we are one basket away from upsetting these undefeated pricks." I shook my head as I stared at the taller boys across the court. "All you gotta do is stay out of the way, just for 21 seconds." I nodded my head again.

_Yes that sounds great coach, I will stay out of the way._

"So you just keep those toothpick arms down and lock those lady feet in place. Got it?" I shook my head as I looked up at him. "Good," He laughed, "Cause if you bone this cockerspaniel, so help me I will choke you to death in front of all these people."

I shook my head again. "Alright, okay, I'll do my best coach."

"Good, good. Go get 'em." He said, giving me a slap on the ass and sent me forwards, the crowd began cheering again, their game had not been cancelled.

Drew and Giselle cheered me on from the bleachers.

Paul ran towards me on the court, and circled me, grinning wide. I smiled back, was he trying to thank me for saving the team possibly?

Then he stopped behind me and hugged me from behind before he dragged his fingers over my top lip, under my nose.

I gagged when I realized that he had just rubbed his armpit sweat on me. "That's how a man smells bitch." He said, laughing as he jogged away so he could stand in position.

Again the game started and I backed as far away as I could, Sycamore gave me a thumbs up from the side.

I watched the clock count down, 18.5 seconds, and then Paul had the ball, he ran towards the goal and shot and- it bounced off the backboard right into my arms.

Everyone stopped to stare at me as I stared at the ball in my hands.

"Shoot the damn ball Bahler!" Sycamore screamed.

My heart pounded as the clock counted down and I squatted before I propelled myself for the shot.

I watched as it fell a whole two feet short of the basket.

The bell rang, and suddenly the laughing stared, I looked around to see what was so funny, Paul and Barry were practically crying as the looked at me.

I looked down.. my shorts had fallen, and before I could do anything, so did my jockstrap.

A collective gasped filled the gym, and Paul and Barry started.

"It's a goddamn Buick Regal." Coach Sycamore said, closing his glasses as he shook his head.

"It's like a tripod.." Some guy said as the flashing of camera's began. I hurried to pull up my jockstrap and shorts, the people in the bleachers behind me laughed.

Across the gym I could see Zoey start to have a panic attack before she ran out.

"We're saved!" Drew said, throwing his hands up in the air.

_Fuck me._

* * *

"You asshole! I can't believe you've never told me! Here I am, looking for our Golden Ticket - it's been draped over your balls this whole time!" Drew said, pacing around my room.

"Drew..." I said

"Let me see that beautiful bastard, I wanna kiss it." Drew said sitting down on my bed and began to crawl over.

"Drew, come on man..." I said, pushing his hands away from my jeans.

"Just the tip, just like this -" Drew stuck his finger in his mouth and made a popping noise. "Totally non-gay."

"Drew!" I said. "It's a curse dude."

"What are talking about 'curse'?" He asked, looking at me like I was stupid.

"Okay fine," I looked up at him. "Do you wanna know why Zoey Toniko freaks out every time she sees me?" Drew nodded, wide eyed and layed down, like a child waiting for the ending of the story.

"Well, last summer, remember when I tutored her in English? Well, she was the first normal girl who ever saw me like I was a normal guy.." I stopped, and Drew nodded. "Well, we were making out and well- there was lots of groping and god, Drew I was getting so hard. So, she uh, she decided she'd go down on me... And she choked.." I looked away.

"What?" Drew started laughing, "That's why you kept it a secret?"

"I almost killed her dude."

"That was an accident dude! The normal human mouth isn't able to handle that size, sure some girls can but that's after practice! And plus, that was probably the first time she ever did it! She wasn't ready for the Sinnohian foot long in your pants!" Drew made a lewd gesture with his arm and his fist. _"Dude, you have something that every guy in school would kill for!"_

"Okay, that may be, but they'll always find a way to put me down." I looked down at my sheets.

"Okay? But who's the one to always pick you up? Who's the only one who showed up to your party in the seventh grade?" He said, forcing me to look up at him.

"Yea, and who's the one who got so drunk they took a shit in the ballpit?" I asked, Drew's smile dropped.

"That could have been anybody." He said, shaking his head.

"Drew, they're gonna destroy me."

"Maybe they will, or maybe they won't." And then he leaned close, "But at least they'll be paying attention." He smirked.

* * *

Drew and I walked into May's party, there was music blaring.

"Oh wow, this is beautiful." I said,

"We deserve this, we deserve this right?" Drew breathed, taking in the scene of hot girls jumping into the huge pool.

"We so deserve this. This is like out of a Young Jeezy video."

"Yeah, okay hands in." He put his hand out.

"Okay." I put mine on top of his, across the pool I could see Paul standing with May.

_"Who invited those losers?"_

"Easygoing awesomeness on three!" Drew said, counting down, "One, two,"

"Easygoing awesomeness!" We said in unison, pulling away quickly.

"Mingle Kenny, mingle." Drew said, pushing into the crowd, leaving me behind.

"My whore, you made it!" Giselle said, sauntering over with Rudy, who was still dressed in all black. "Looking good Kenny!"

I dodged her and walked towards where Drew was talking to some girl, "Look man, May Rochester." He pointed over to where she was standing at the edge of the pool, wearing Paul's button up and laughing as she dipped her feet in the pool, Paul holding her by her waist so she wouldn't fall in.

"Go grab destiny by the balls." Drew said, pushing me in her direction.

* * *

Drew returned after some girls dissed him, probably not entertained with his stupid jokes.

"Dude we are striking out, and you haven't even talked to May!" He sighed and hung his head.

"Oh my gosh! Is that Sparkling Malt Liqueur?" Some girl asked, grabbing the case in Drew's hand. It was Serena Mitchell, Drew nodded, dumbstruck.

"Serena.. hey! Yea.." He started at her for a second.

"I love Sparkling Malt Liqueur." She said, grabbing his hand and dragged him away, his face in shock.

"By the balls!" I yelled after him.

* * *

I stood alone, watching the party a half cup of beer in my hands.

Then some girl came and started to pump the keg, but she was having a little trouble.

"Is it stuck?" I asked, walking over.

"No, I'm just a weakling, one of the drawbacks of being little I guess." She said as she jumped and tried to force her weight down on the lever.

"Maybe I can help.." I offered, and she stepped away. I tried everything, twisting, forcing it down to the point where I thought it would break. But nothing. "That is really stuck right there." I said and the girl laughed.

"Hey, you're Kenny J. Bahler right?" She asked,

"Why, yes, yes I am." I said.

"Maybe you should try pushing with your dick." She said before she walked away.

I stood there for a moment before I turned around and ran into May Rochester.

"Sorry." I said, putting my hands up.

"No, it's okay, I've been meaning to talk to you. So, the big Lipsky test." She nodded and gulped, she twisted her hands, the movement made me thing of birds. "Bio is my worst subject. I could really use the grade to make honors. So I'm counting on you study buddy." She smiled and I couldn't help but smile back.

_She is so goddamn perfect._

"You, know. I mean, as in like. Lipskkyy." I stumbled over my words, she looked away in obvious discomfort. She began to walk away as I kicked myself. "Wait," I said, turning to her and she turned around. "Lipsky's test, yes, I would love to study you. -With you, um, Biology is actually one of my best subjects. I I can name like, six different types of zygotes off the top of my head right now."

May started giggling, "But I'm not going to." I said, laughing.

"Great, well, you have my email."

"I do. I do, yup." I watched as she walked away, this time with a smile and not a shudder.

And then out of nowhere, I was punched in the face. I could see Giselle and Drew running to me, Drew untangling himself from a very drunk Serena.

"If you ever talk to her again, I'll kill you donkey dick." Paul Weiss said, making a punching motion.

Drew helped me stand up, "Let's go dude. This party sucks anyway." I wiped my hand across my mouth and stared at the blood.

"No." I said, shaking free from Giselle and began walking towards where Paul and May stood. "Enough is enough."

"Kenny, don't!" Drew said, following behind.

"What are you doing talking to that nerd? What are you trying to embarrass me?" Paul asked and May shook her head. I tapped on his shoulder and he turned around, "What the fuck do you want?"

I stuck my hand in my pants and got a good grip before pulling my hand back out and wiped it across Paul's face. "That's how a man smells, bitch." I nodded at May, who was trying to look anywhere but my penis. "I'll email you tomorrow." May only shook her head as I zipped my jeans back up.

As I walked away Drew came and wrapped his arm around me, "Dude, you just served Paul Weiss a cup full of nut musk!" He laughed.

"I know." I said, my actions just now sinking in as I looked back at May and Paul, who stood dumbstruck.

"You realize you're dead come monday right?" Drew asked as we walked through May's kitchen.

"Yea, but that's monday." I said.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, nature made me scrawny and weird looking, awkward and pale, but it also gave me a gift. And I intend to use it._


	2. Donkey Dick 2.0 - Paul

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was thinking of having mini chaps of Paul's pov in between every chapter. So here you go, this will set up the next chapter. But these will be short..

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me." I said, staring at the name across from mine. "Who the fuck put me on the buddy list? And who the fuck is Ash Ketchum?" I turned, looking around at the people around me. 

Barry only shrugged, I rolled my eyes, shoving his phone back to him. "And why the fuck do you have the list on your phone?!" Barry shrugged again. 

"Good, it'll help you." May said, her hands on her hips. 

"What?" May frowned slightly, 

"If you fail, you can't play. This whole study buddy thing will help, maybe you'll make honors!" She said, smiling. 

I looked at her, she backed away, but how can I stay mad at her? "Fine. I do like playing, and I need it too." I said, looking away, "can we not talk about school though babe? This is a goddamn party, even if goddamn Bahler ruined it." 

Again, May frowned. "No Paul, he didn't ruin it, you did."

"Excuse me?! Sorry if I was trying to protect your pride!" 

"It's not that Paul, he's my study buddy! He's the one who's gonna help me get honors! You know how bad I am with the sciences!" May huffed. "For the whole year you are gonna leave him alone." She said, crossing her arms, that cute little pout on her face. 

_But that's stupid, I've been bullying Bahler since first grade!_ "No way babe." I said, shaking my head. 

Her eyes widened and she huffed again, tapping her foot. 

We stared at each other for a while, Barry tapped me on the shoulder, I looked over at him, he was leaving. I nodded at him and turned back to May. "No. Babe I'm not doing it, you can study in between our regular beating schedule."

May smiled slightly, and moved get hands back to her hips. "Paul Weiss. You are going to leave Kenny J. Bahler alone from now on, and that's final." she said, smiling. 

I wanna say no, but those blue eyes. _No! I will not fall to her whim!_ We stared for a few more seconds. 

"Fine!" I said, May squealed and started jumping up and down, before she moved to hug me. 

"Thanks baby!" She said, looking up at me. Her eyes fluttered as she leaned up. I leaned down and kissed her. 

"You know I can't say no to you." 

May only nodded and grinned. _Of course she knows._

"You should uh, you should get going." She said, moving away. 

"You sure you don't need any help?" I asked, looking around the backyard, it was a mess. 

"Nah, the Saturday cleaning lady will do it." She said as she took my hand and led me to front door. 

"Goodnight May." I said, kissing her on her cheek as she closed the door behind me. 

"Night Paulie." She giggled.

* * *

I opened the door as quietly as I could, closing it behind me. I made my way through the living room safely, before I heard the recliner creak. 

_Fuck._

"Have fun?" Reggie asked, his voice low. 

I turned around to see him turn in the chair. "I thought you would be in bed by now." 

He only shrugged, "I thought so too, but uh, you know." He looked away. 

"Yeah.... Still?" I asked, moving towards him, he only shook his head, his hair flopping into his eyes. 

"Let's get you in bed yeah?" I asked, extending my hand towards his. He only nodded again. 

I grabbed his hand, and moved the blanket. I looked down at his leg, or rather, the lack of. "Reggie?" I kneeled down, leveling with him. "Where'd you leave your leg?" 

He turned his head in the direction of the kitchen. I nodded, sighing. "You must be hungry too huh?" 

"No, not today." He said, I only nodded, I can't force him... 

I walked into the kitchen, his prosthetic was in the middle of the floor. I walked back into the living room and put it on him. "You need to go to the restroom or anything?" I asked as his grip on my hand increased as I held him up from the chair. 

Reggie only shook his head, "just take me to bed." 

I nodded back as I wrapped my arm around him and helped him to his room. 

I helped him get in bed, took off his prosthetic and gave him some water. "Need anything else?"

"No." He said. 

I moved to the door, "I'm gonna lower the light." I said, he pulled his blanket up around his eyes as I lowered the light slowly, not to give him an attack. 

"Paul?" He asked as I closed the curtain to his door, I watched him sit up in bed through the curtain. 

"Yeah?"

"Can you bring Maylene when you come back?" He asked, I cursed at the hope in his voice. "She hasn't answered any of my letters, could you check again?"

I stood there for a second. "Yeah, maybe tomorrow Reggie." I said, I couldn't stop the crack in my voice. 

I watched him as he smiled and laid back down. "Thank you Paul, goodnight."

"Night."

I closed the curtain again. I walked up the stairs as careful as I could. 

I stripped as I made my way to my bed and flopped down. 

_Great. Maylene. And a goddamn study buddy. Just more goddamn things to worry about._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Ash is his study buddy. Soon to be beffas. And yes, Reggie is still older, he's just... ummm.


	3. Yes We Can't

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny runs for President and gets more than he expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Here is Episode 2 of the Hard Times. Hope you enjoy!!

May and I sat in the library, we were getting started on her biology homework.

"The building blocks of DNA molecules are nucleotides which consist of a phosphate.." I watched her as she read, her face contorting in confusion. "I always forget that one." She sighed, laughing and began again. "Number four, true or false, the DNA double helix is a spiral polymer of nucleotides.

I nodded, "That is one hundred percent-" I cut off with a yelp as Paul slammed his hands down on my shoulders.

"Well well, how are my two favorite study buddies doing?" Paul asked, leaning over my shoulder, quickly kissing May on her cheek before he pulled away.

"That's enough Paul." May said, turning her head to the side. "We're studying." She said, smiling at me.

"Really? Oh Arceus, I'm so sorry for interrupting. Bennett and I will just, I dunno, take a seat over there." He said, his grip tightening on my shoulders before he finally let go. "I'll see you around buddy, I haven't forgotten Friday night." He whispered, before he and Barry finally walked away.

'Beat it dork." Barry said as I watched them sit down in the table right behind May.

"Are you okay?" May asked, looking up at me.

"Yeah, fine, just uh.. a little hard to concentrate with my executioners in attendance." I said, Paul was making punching motions with Barry behind May's back.

May turned around and magically Paul stopped, smiling at her like a child would when their parents say they're getting ice cream.

May sighed and shook her head, "Listen Kenny, don't worry about Paul. I had a long talk with him and he promised me he'd leave you alone from now on."

I laughed as Paul continued the punching movements, "I feel better already." Out of the corner of my eye Paul made a gun with his hand and shot me.

Just then Stephan Sternn came rolling up on his scooter. _Lazy asshole._ "I heard you smeared your ball-sweat across Paul Weiss's face." He said, laughing.

"Not now Stephan." I said, May sat up with an uncomfortable smile.

Stephan laughed again, and looked over at May and pulled out his wallet. "You shoot me an email if you need a new study buddy," he said, handing her a card that read _'Call Stephan STERNN ... IF YOU WANT TO LEARN! TUTOR "ON THE SEXY SCOOTER" ask for ME at the counselors office!'_

May looked up at me with wide eyes, "Something tells me this one ain't gonna be around much longer." And then he laughed and rolled away.

"Fat bastard." I muttered as May tore up the card.

"Well, he was very rude, what'd he mean by that Kenny?" She asked, rolling her eyes.

I looked over at Paul and Barry who were dragging their fingers across their necks.. "Nothing May, he just likes you and is trying to be cool is all."

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, and being a loser has never felt so lonely._

* * *

 "I'm telling you bro, sophomore year's already kicking freshman year's ass." Drew said, raising his fist in the air. "Did you see the way those chicks looked at me?"

"Yeah Drew, they looked at you like you were a stranger selling candy from the back of a van." I said, looking over at him.

"Yeah! And last year they wouldn't even make eye contact with me, I'm telling you man. This year is looking up!" He said grinning.

I watched some girl put up a poster for Paul, to vote for him for SGA President. "Greeat, now I gotta look at that tool bag's face in between class!" I said, looking over at Drew. Drew only shook his head.

"I swear to Arceus this school's a joke!" Giselle said, appearing out of utterly nowhere, "the hygiene club stopped stocking maxi-pads in the girls restroom and there is a vampire buffet in my panties!" She said,

"Oh.." I said, looking up at Drew while he dry heaved. "Nope, yeah I just vomited in my mouth." He said, I shook my head, Giselle only rolled her eyes.

There was a strange whirring sound, "What the hell are the wood shop kids doing to the handi-ramp?" Giselle asked, pointing towards the stairs.

The wood shop head must have heard her because he sighed heavily and turned to us. "First of all it's the carpentry club. The wood shop kids are a bunch of assholes who make bird feeders. And for your information we're dismantling the handi-ramp for scrap wood since the student gov. association was kind enough to cut our budget like a circa-saw through pine." His friends hauled off the ramp.

"Yeah, so? What about kids like Stephan Sternn who need to go up and down the stairs?" I asked, watching as all the wood shop kids heped in taking down the second part.

"Not my problem." He said simply as he started to walk away.

"Not your problem?" I yelled after him.

"Who cares?" Drew laughed, "I can't wait to see that lazy prick crawling up and down the stairs on his hands and knees. See what I mean? Best year ever!" he began walking up the stairs, I had no choice but to follow.

* * *

 I pressed save on my D&I Media project, a bubble came up on the ancient computer. _"Render Time - 256 hours 19 mins."_ "Oh come on you have got to be kidding me!" I sighed, slapping the side of the damn dinosaur computer. "Come on you ancient piece of shi-" sparks flew from the computer and everyone around me gasped.

* * *

 "I lost twenty hours of work because the Computer Club can't afford machines built this century!" I groaned, Drew just patted me on the shoulder. "Where the hell are the new desktops we were supposed to get this semester?!"

"You wanna know where they are?" Drew asked, "Paul and Bennett are wearing them." He said, pointing in the direction where Paul and Barry stood with May and Serena, all dressed up in their new fancy tracksuits.

"What do you mean?" I asked, looking back at Drew.

"The student government ass. just awarded a whole assload of money to the Athletic Club so they could get new equipment and workout gear."

"Why can't they find more money to give to the computer club?"

"Dude, Paul Weiss is the President of the SGA." He sighed. "You want money, you gotta convince him to give it to you first."

I turned back to see Paul wiping a scuff mark off of his new shoes that were made in the school colors.

* * *

 "So, in conclusion the Drama Club is requesting five hundred dollars for new props for our new production of 'A streetcar named, The Fast and The Furious.'" May said, closing her cards as she looked up at Paul.

"And what happened to the old sets?" Paul asked, raising his gavel.

May sighed, "The carpentry club dismantled them for scrap wood." She looked over at the head of the carpentry club. The guy stuck his tongue out at her. "Sooo, what do you say babe?" May asked, biting her lip as she looked up at Paul, slipping her cards into her back pocket.

Paul nodded and looked back up, "First of all, I would like to say you look hot." He grinned when May blushed.

"Thank you." She said, looking down at the podium.

"And you know I'd give you anything." He said, leaning back in his chair. May nodded, leaning forwards on her toes. "But, SGA is totally out of money this year!" He said, "due to the Athletic Clubs equipment emergency."

May's smile dropped, "it's only five hundred-"

"I love you babe, but request denied." Paul said shrugging as he slammed the gavel down. "Next!" He called out.

I looked at Drew, he looked just as surprised as I was. _Paul said no to May._

"Maybe they really are broke.." Drew whispered.

"SGA will now hear a petition from Coach Sycamore." Barry said, reading the roster. "Go ahead Coach."

Coach Sycamore waltz up the podium, cards in hand. "Good afternoon gentleman," he said, waving at his boys. "The umm, the Athletic Club needs an additional pension of uh, one thousand, four hundred and forty-four dollars."

"Dude," Drew said, tapping my shoulder, "those _are betting strips from the Dog Shack."_

I looked over at him, "dude are you sure?"

Drew nodded, "I find like fifty of them shoved in my dad's pockets whenever I do the laundry."

"Umm, excuse me Coach, what are these expenses for?" Paul asked, sitting up in his chair.

"Miscellaneous." Coach said. Paul nodded, and looked over at the boys.

"Request approved." He said, swinging the gavel before setting it down to write the check. Whispers filled the room. May sat up in her seat. "Next up," Paul's face turned into a grin as he read the roster. "Ash Ketchum, for the band."

We watched quietly as Ash stood and walked forward, waving at Paul slightly. "Hello, ummm, I've come to you because the band needs better instruments and the band hall's air conditioning is broken and other things." He turned and looked around at all of us. Paul nodded slightly, looking over at the rest of SGA.

"You never said how much Ketchum." Paul said, sitting up. Every person, including Ash, gasped.

He stood there for a moment, "how much will you be willing to give us? Anything will help."

Paul looked in deep thought and pulled out his phone, laughed, set his phone down and looked back up at Ash. "Ash Ketchum, the SGA is granting the band..." he looked over at Barry and whispered something, Barry nodded. _"Ten thousand, for outstanding fees, new instruments, bus fees, contest fees and everything in between."_ He slammed down the gavel, yells broke out among the crowd. Ash stood dumbstruck, Paul waved him over. "You guys come back if you need anymore." He said, handing Ash the check.

"Thank you Mr. President!" Ash said, holding the check in his hands before he walked away.

 _"Ten thousand? Really Paul?"_ May said, standing with her hands on her hips. Everyone was still. _"All we needed was five hundred!"_

"Babe," Paul groaned, "have you ever been in the band hall? It's old, it's leaking, they need the a.c. so the instruments don't get damaged and you know what? Despite all that, our band made second place at National's last year. They deserve it, besides the football and lacrosse and basketball- they put Sihwonhan on the map, without them we'd just be a speck on the map." Paul shrugged. "Next is, Kenny J. Bahler from the Computer Club." Paul laughed.

I stood and walked up to the podium, "Good afternoon." I cleared my throat. "It was 1975 and the Rawst Computer Club, of Jubilife City, Sinnoh.- had a new member, a young upstar who had a dream of building a computer everyone could use. That upstar's name was James Rowan-"

"Request denied!" Paul yawned, the gavel making a deafening sound.

"I um, I haven't asked for anything yet." I said, looking around the room.

"Oh, oh Arceus, I'm so sorry. Continue." He said, raising the gavel.

"The Computer Club would like some.." I trailed off as I watched Paul's hand slowly set the gavel down. Paul motioned for me to continue. "the Computer Club would-"

"Request denied!" He yelled, slamming the gavel down. Barry and the others began laughing, behind me people huffed, saying how Paul was being 'unfair'. Which was true _, jerkoff._

"Honestly, I'm not quite sure how you can sit there with a straight face like that, you just gave the band ten thousand dollars. You have money for these tracksuits and you just gave Coach fourteen hundred for his track losses!"

 _"I said request denied testicle left!"_ Paul said, standing up.

"How can you justify-"

"I can justify this gavel in your face!" He said, raising it.

"On your face!" Barry repeated.

I stood there for a second, I looked around at all the people around me. Drew sighed, and May looked sad. I threw my cards down. "Thanks."

* * *

  _"Hey!"_ Drew yelled, running after me.

I ran into the hallway where Paul's stupid face attacked me. Drew watched as I began tearing up the posters, poster after poster.

_Stupid Paul, stupid fucking SGA.._

"Hey hey hey!" Drew said, grabbing my wrists, "you gave it your best shot okay? Now I would have opened with a joke but that's just me."

"Drew! This is bullshit! Why does Paul Weiss get to control the school money?!" I asked as Drew pushed me away and began leading me down the hall.

"Because he's attractive and mean?" Drew said, snickering. "Look, let's get some lunch, you'll feel better." He said, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

"No! Dude! It's not alright!" I said as we descended the stairs. "Hey Stephan." I said, waving at him from where he sat on his scooter at the top of the stairs.

"Sup, tell May my offer still stands!" He said.

"Anyway dude, in two weeks this will all blow over and be nothing but a memory!" Drew said as he started climbing down the stairs. "None of this will matter!" He said, sweeping his hand across the view of the hallway.

"Dude but I'm tired of being Paul Weiss' bitch! You know someone needs to stand up to that guy and-" I stopped as the greatest or stupidest, I couldn't tell, idea came to me. "Hey," I said, slapping Drew on his arm, "I'm gonna run for SGA president!" I said, skipping down the stairs. _Yes this is a good idea!_

"What?" Drew yelled, running down the stairs after me. "Are you insane? Dude, things are just starting to looking up for us! Don't ruin it by taking on the second most popular guy on campus!" He said, grabbing me by my shoulders, "There's a reason he runs unopposed every year Kenny! He's unbeatable!" He said, throwing his hands up in the air.

"No one is unbeatable Drew!" I said, pushing away his hands.

"Oh really? Show me one person besides me and Giselle who would vote for you over Paul Weiss." He crossed his arms, suddenly a loud crash came from behind us.

There on the floor lay Stephan Sternn, his 'sexy scooter' broken in half on top of him. He groaned in pain as Serena Mitchell stepped over him and began helping him up.

"That guy." I said, pointing at Stephan as I looked up at Drew.

* * *

 "Alright," I said, turning in my rolling chair, Giselle lay on my bed while Drew paced in the background. "If I'm gonna have a chance at beating Paul, I'm gonna need like a catchy slogan, something that differentiates me from him."

"Alright," Drew said, walking over, "Kenny J. Bahler, terrible at sports." He put his hands on his hips and looked up at my ceiling.

"How about, Kenny J. Bahler, he'll stuff your ballot box." Giselle said, sitting up as she winked at me.

"Alright um, let's forget slogans for now..umm how do I win this?"

Drew snorted, "I don't think you're willing to go all the way for this Kenny!" He said, "I don't think you are willing to do what it takes to win!"

"Yes yes I am totally willing! I'm I'm ready and willing to do whatever it takes." I said, standing up.

"Assassinate Paul!" Drew said, crackling his knuckles. Giselle looked at him, you could see she was utterly terrified, so was I. "Military Coup style!" He said excitedly.

"No, no, come on Drew! Guys, I want to win this election." I said.

"Then I suggest you change your name to Paul Weiss." He sighed and dropped down on the bed next to Giselle.

"As much as it pains me to admit this, Drew is right. The SGA election is a popularity contest. Kenny, baby, it's a suicide mission." She said, moving as Drew leaned over her for a slice of pizza.

I couldn't believe this, "You guys are wrong! For every Paul Weiss, there is ten of us. You know guys like Paul only stay in power because they convince us that we are not as important as the top ten percent. But we are! All we need to do is just rally the other ninety percent and and then we need to run a clean campaign on morals and issues and we can win this thing!"

"Yes!" Giselle stood up and cheered.

* * *

  _"Slow down, grab the wall, wiggle like you tryna make yo' ass fall off, hella thick I wanna smash 'em all, now speed up, gas pedal, gas pedal eyy gas pedal."_

Sage the Gemini sang in the background Paul's campaign car wash, how he got Sage the Gemini to actually preform?

Everywhere there were half naked girls, rubbing themselves up against cars while Max and May took the donations... damn does May look good in that t-shirt!

"Greatt, now what do we do?" Drew sighed, looking around at the scene. "We can't compete with cheerleader booty... very nice cheerleader booty..." he sighed.

"Thank you thank you vote for Paul..." Paul said, shaking hands with all the older men who stood and watched the girls. "Hey man don't look at May she's too sweet for that.." He said, punching some guy in the face, "She's mine man!"

"Hey Kenny!" I turned to see May, standing there in a black shirt that was obviously Paul's, she was walking over to help wash a car, leaving Max with donations.

"Hey May!" Serena yelled, May turned to her just in time to see Serena giggle and spray her with water.

May then turned and waved at me, I waved back excitedly, May Rochester actually acknowledged me!

"Oh my god my balls just exploded.." I said, still waving at her.

"Hey uhh, is that your dad?" Drew asked, pointing across the parking lot.

 _Oh dear god,_ there he stood, leaning back as he pulled out his camera and began taking pictures. "Oh Jesus," I groaned, walking away from Drew.

"Dad." I said as I neared him,

"Oh hey KJ! What's up?" He said, snapping a photo.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, as he leaned against the car.

"Oh well, you know, they missed a spot again." He said, rubbing his finger on the hood of the car.

_"Again? How many times have you been through this?"_

"Uhhh let's see... this is my fourth time here." He said, not seeing just how utterly wrong this was. "And I gotta tell you KJ, your girls are not very thorough." He frowned. _"But God bless them they really put thier backs into it."_ Dad shook his head, watching as Serena Mitchell walked by talking with Leaf Evergreen.

"Ok dad seriously, you gotta leave, or um, I'll tell mom." I said, hoping my ultimatum was strong enough.

"Mom?" He laughed, "Mom's five cars back!"

_Well at least I hoped?_

I turned to look at all the cars, sure enough my mother honked at me and waved. "Come on!"

I heard footsteps behind me, "Face it Kenny, you can't compete with this amount of fine ass!" He said sweeping his hand over the span of the parking lot.

It was then that I saw Sage pass the mic to Young Jeezy.

"You know if life has taught me anything it's this- give up." Drew sighed as he waved at Serena, who scowled and turned her nose up at him.

"Drew.. I am not giving up!" I said, and he smiled and shook his head.

"I'm with you till the end of the line!"

* * *

 "Some people look at us and a word comes to mind-" I said,

"Yeah, losers." Coach Sycamore laughed before he continued walking.

"Thank you Coach." I yelled after him, he laughed and waved.

"Shut the fuck up Buick Regal!"

I looked at the small crowd in front of me, Drew stood in the back with Giselle as she held a sign with my face on it. "Okay! Maybe we are losers, but why are we losers?" I asked, people shrugged and looked around. "Is it because we stuck at sports?"

 _"I can suck at other things!"_ Giselle yelled, some girls nodded.

"Is it because our parents are our only friends on Facebook? No! What makes us losers is that we believe we are losers. Paul Weiss runs unopposed every year, you know why? Because we accept when he says he is cooler than we are, because we accept it when he puts his priorities before our priorities!" I looked around at the crowd that was now nodding, mumbling amongst each other.

"Chess Club, why should you have to dig your chess pieces out of the trash? Because the SGA took your funding away!" The Chess Club looked around at each other, shaking their heads.

* * *

 

"And let me ask you this? Why did the carpentry club scavenge your set pieces and Stephan Sternn's handi-ramp for lumber?" I looked at May, who sat pretty in the back, she smiled at me. "Because the SGA took your funding away! We can do better than Paul Weiss!"

Everyone in the room began clapping, even May.

* * *

 "Yes we can!" I yelled into the microphone, "yes we can! And we will! If you let me serve you, yes Paul Weiss is cool! But if being cool means stealing from people, and caring about nobody but yourself, then I am uncool, UNCOOL LIKE YOU!" Cheers broke out among the crowd, May clapped in the distance as she siled at me.

After that speech, I walked the halls like a pimp, honeys on my arm and some glasses Drew pushed onto my face. People had my face on their face!

"Hey man, I gotta talk to you!" Drew yelled grabbing my arm.

"Drew can you believe this we could actually win this thing!" I said to him, letting him guide me to wherever. "Yeah, we've got a situation, come on!" He said, pulling me away. He forced me into a restroom, I looked up at him until he urged me forwards where I came face to face with Paul and Barry.

* * *

 Paul and Barry both cracked their knuckles, "Kenny fuckin Bahler,"

Oh no.

"What do you want?" I asked, my voice sounding ten times more confident than I felt.

"Your candidacy is starting to annoy me. See I like running unopposed because it gives me time to focus on the important issues that I have going on." He said, sticking his hands in his pockets.

"Like touching down on May's landing strip." Barry laughed, nudging Paul in his shoulder.

Paul smiled, wrapping his arm around Barry. _Bastard._

"Bennett shut the fuck up before you choke on your teeth." Paul said, Barry clapped his hands over his mouth and nodded. _That was totally unexpected..._

"Well uhh, I'm sorry that I annoy you Paul but I'm in it to win it." Paul looked surprised that I answered.

"Ugly and stupid, listen, Bahler, I don't care how many pathetic zit-faced losers behind you, I've got too many guaranteed votes, the numbers just do not add up." Paul grinned,

"Don't."

"What?" Paul stepped forwards, Drew stepped behind me.

"Nothing." I said quickly.

"Listen, Bahler, since I know you're a stubborn little burrow, drop out now and I'll find your-" Paul cut off the laugh, "Computer Club when I win." And then he stepped back, put his hand out and shook his head. An offer.

I looked up at Drew, "do it." He mouthed, I looked at him for a long while.

"Come on freak, or Paul will use his secret weapon if he has to." Barry said, stepping forwards.

"Down bitch." Paul said, hauling him back by his collar.

"What are you Paul? A James Bond villain?" Drew asked, looking between Paul as he raised his fist at Barry.

"Do the right thing Bahler," Paul said, pulling away from Barry, "and gracefully withdraw."

"Like you do with May?" Barry snickered.

Just then, Paul stood up straight, and looked at me and Drew. "Get out." He growled, pointing at the door.

Barry turned to leave, "not you dipshit." Barry winced and came back.

"Come on." Drew whispered, pulling me out of the bathroom.

Class had begun and no one was in the hallways, immediately we heard Barry scream.

 _"Don't talk about my girlfriend like that, I told you once. May's too goddamn nice for that bullshit! Who made you a fucking birthday cake last month? Huh?"_ Drew and I looked at each other as the impact of the punches echoed through the door.

_"Answer me!"_

_"M-May!"_ Barry stuttered,

_"That's fucking right, I didn't ask her to either, she did that out of the kindness of her pure food loving heart and I WILL NOT LET YOU TALK ABOUT HER LIKE THAT. SHE IS A GENTLE LOVING LADY AND YOU WILL RESPECT HER!"_

"Well, at least there's one thing we know about Paul..." Drew said, turning to run.

"Yeah what's that?" I said, taking off after him.

"He's not a total asshole, at least he respects May."

"Loves her too man."

"No wonder she's with him!"

* * *

 I stared at my face, taped up right next to Paul's. I moved to pull it down, withdrawing is the only thing I can do.

"Kenny!" I turned to see May, I immediately put the poster down.

"Hey May.." I trailed off, looking between her and my poster.

"Hey um, sorry to bug you! Umm I just wanted to let you know that I'm really impressed with your speech yesterday."

Holy shit.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I know I probably shouldn't say this since I'm campaigning for Paul, but um, I'm really glad you decided to run." She smiled up at me and I couldn't help but get lost in those blue eyes. "We could use some different points of view around here.. I mean, it may not seem like it, but this all weighs on Paul really bad. I mean with basketball and then lacrosse next semester and Reggie..." she trailed off, shaking her head.

What? "Who's Reggie?" May looked startled.

"No one!" She smiled.

"Well um, thank you May. That means a lot, coming from you especially." She blushed and nodded.

"Well um, whatever happens, I hope you get your computers." I nodded my head and she smiled.

I turned to say something to her, grabbing her hand gently. "I uh, I hope you get your wood!" She smiled, "Uhh! Set pieces I mean." I said quickly.

"Thank you Kenny." May laughed and tilted her head to the side and kept walking.

Fuck me and my stupid mouth.

I stared at my poster again.

The things I do for her.

* * *

 "So, in closing I would like to thank the good people at Sihwonhan Athletic Club for continuing to support my candidacy and believing in the power of ideas." Paul raised his arms up with piece signs as people began cheering.

I stood behind the curtain, still debating on whether or not to drop out...

"And since my challenger didn't even bother to show up today I guess we can assume he dropped out of the running. So, when you get to the ballot box, remember, there is only one choice but, it's the right choice!"

That's it. "Wait!" I yelled, running onto the stage. "Please?" I asked, motioning for Paul to move out of the way.

Paul sighed and moved away. "Whatever."

I stepped up to the podium and cleared my throat. I watched Paul as he sat down by May, taking her hand gently in his.

"Student and facility, excuse me for being late, uh, to be honest I was having my doubts about whether I wanted to do this." I stopped and I looked around the room, May smiled at me from her seat as Paul wrapped his arm around her. "Despite everything you guys have been telling me, someone told me that I could not win, that I could not do this. And uh, I believed them.. but then I realised that this isn't about me. This is about every single person here that's made to feel like they don't matter- that they don't belong. I'm here to tell you guys one thing... you do matter, you do belong." I locked eyes with Paul for a second.

"Sihwonhan is your school, and it's time we take it back!" Cheers ruptured around me, "alright so uh, I made a film that I would like to share with you all but bear in mind this was made in the school's computer lab and we all know those computers suck balls." I moved away from the podium and pressed play on the remote.

The screen turned black and the lights in the gym were turned down, _"A Jockapocalypse now."_ I had named it.

Soon stupid little figurines popped up in minecraft box form, the students in a line and Paul and Barry standing at the back, cracking a whip.

"Move it nerds!" Paul said, but his jaw dropped when a giant robot slammed Barry down.

 _"Students of Sihwonhan!"_ The Robot said, _"today we rise!"_

All the students on the video cheered and began jumping Paul and Barry. Stephan and his sexy scooter ran one of Paul's guys over.

People in the actual audience began clapping as the credits rolled, Paul was bent over his seat, laughing in May's arms.

"Dude!" I ran into Drew's arms and he spun me around. "We could win this!"

Giselle pulled me away, running her hand down my arm. "Mr. President I could be your Wallace White!" I pulled away quickly.

I turned in time to see Paul walk back up to the podium, "Well, I didn't prepare a comeback because this is usually an early victory party. So I guess all I have to say is... free Flat Screen T.V.'s when you vote for Paul Weiss!" I watched as men rolled in huge stacks of T.V.'s. and students cheered.

"It's okay dude," Drew said, "if we have a big enough lead we can survive this." I nodded.

"And if that wasn't enough for you.." Paul paused, "here to perform his new single from his new album, my second cousin by marriage- Flint!"

That's when everyone started cheering. I watched as Paul hugged him.

"Vote for Paul!" Flint said as he began playing his guitar.

I looked over at Paul as he shrugged and kissed May.

"Okay, now we're fucked." Drew groaned.

* * *

 Later, Giselle and I were sitting on the stairs, waiting for the ballots.

"Can I ask you a question?" Giselle asked, taking my hand.

I nodded my head, "Okay so what if you me and Flint Roberts were all alone and all of a sudden totally wanted to have sex with us, you'd be into that right?" I almost started choking. "You don't have to answer.." she said.

Then I saw Drew running down the halls towards us, I sat up, "Dude are those the election results?"

Drew nodded, I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder, I turned to see Stephan, nodding at me, his new 'sexy scooter' was black this time and had a better upgrade.

"Well, apparently even losers like T.V.'s and Flint Roberts. You got a four percent of the vote, that's thirteen total Kenny." Drew sighed and put his head in his hands. Giselle patted me on the back.

"Thirteen votes?" I can't believe this, and we were doing so well..

"Sorry man, strange thing is, I can only count for eleven of them." Drew said,

"I voted twice!" Giselle said,

"I know, Giselle twice, Kenny, me, Stephan, Ketchum and his girlfriend over there, the girl with the respirator and the three special ed kids who I paid..." Drew sighed.

"Excuse me?!" I looked over at him,

"It's eleven Kenny!" Drew groaned.

"Well then who are the last two?" Stephan asked.

"Hey testicles left and right!" I looked up to see Paul walk up, May trailing after him. I stood as Paul stuck his hand out. "Good game left." I shook his hand, and he pulled me close. "I couldn't pull out, but you are getting those computers and you can count on it."

He pushed away, and May smiled at me. She held up two of my campaign buttons, both with my face on them.

"Let me take you out for ice cream huh May?" Paul asked, pulling her away as she waved. I waved back.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, and it's never felt so good to lose._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This took way longer than expected! Sorry I've been so busy! Anyway we must protect May with everything we have she is a blessing. Anyway, a lot of you are gonna say that Paul is out of character but this is how I imagine him when the threat of the Sinnoh league is nonexistent.. anyway! Please review so I know whether or not to finish this story! Thank you for your time! You guys do not realize how many times I cried writing 'sexy scooter' but it's eh.


	4. Yes We Can't 2.0 - Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Paul gets laid. I love Dawn so much.

- _Monday_ - 

I stood outside of the band hall, the place Ash had told me to meet him for study hall. 

 _"Hi!! Are you looking for someone?"_ A boy with green eyes asked. 

"Uh yeah, umm Ash Ketchup?" I said, staring at the boy with the brown hair. 

"Heh! Come on Weiss, he's right inside but don't say a word, we're practicing! I'm Gary by the way, I'm the Drum Major, well second one at least." He opened the door and pulled me through, immediately I was assaulted by music, good music. 

"There he is! Anyway, I gotta go!" Gary said, running back further into the band hall and climbed up a small ladder, before he started conducting. I watched as the other Drum Major, the one he had pointed out, and Gary synced up with hand movements. 

The music sped up, before ending altogether. It was beautiful. 

"Alrighty, you guys get to class, we'll pick up later on at practice!" The short one said. He had short black hair and brown eyes, Gary went up to him and said something that made him turn in my direction and nod. Soon he motioned me to follow him into a back room. 

The door clicked behind him quietly as I sat down in a chair next to the piano. Through the glass I could see upperclassmen sitting down in the main room and begin to play, yet there was no noise in the small room. 

 _"It's all soundproofed."_ He, no, Ash said. _"My name's Ash Ketchum, you're Paul Weiss and we are study buddies."_ He said, slamming one hand down on the keys and extended the other to me. 

"Yeah, nice music by the way, and whatever you are doing on the piano." I said, motioning to his fingers as they moved over the keys, quick music coming from the belly of the piano. "Um, why are we in here? Shouldn't we be in the library?" 

Ash stopped playing and sighed, "Yeah, but I've heard of your track record and here is the only place you can't kill me without anyone speaking up." He said shrugging. "And plus, music is my life and helps me think.. so, Mr. Basketball and Lacrosse, pull out your textbook and get ready to get schooled." 

* * *

Halfway through the study period the door opened, music flooded in like water, Ash didn't even flinch, he just kept speaking. The girl who opened the door had long blue hair and high heels and it was obvious she didn't belong in the band hall... 

I watched as she sneaked up behind Ash and took his textbook away from him and climbed straight into his lap. _"This week on biology, the vagina and the special care it needs from whoever it's owner entrusts with it."_ She dropped the book as Ash's hands snaked around her hips and she leaned back to kiss him. I couldn't help but focus on her belly button bar that had a tiny blue penguin on it... it looked even tinier against Ash's wandering hand. 

One of his hands traveled up her body, making her moan slightly, he tugged on her hair, "you're interrupting our study session Dawn." Ash said in a tone I didn't think he could use. 

"But I need a study session!!" She whined, her blue eyes fluttering. 

Ash shook his head and sat back up, leaning over her and picked up the book. "Sorry Paul, allow me to introduce you to my girlfriend Dawn Céleste Dubois." 

Dawn sat up, waving at me, Ash's thighs spread so she could fit between them. "You're study buddies with Paul Weiss? Oh Ashy can we keep him?" She said, looking back at Ash. 

" _Excuse me?_ Keep me? Um, I'm in a very committed relationship with a beautiful girl." I said before Ash had a chance to answer. 

"Are you saying I'm not beautiful?" She asked, her voice pitching higher as she said the words. 

"No! Of course you're a very beautiful girl and if I wasn't in a relationship and neither were you maybe I'd consider-" I stopped, trying to save myself. Dawn smiled wide and laughed, throwing herself back against Ash. 

"Did you see the look on his face baby? Oh Paul, I was joking, May and I were very good friends before I quit the team! I know all about your relationship with her! I would never do that to her, she's so sweet. And either way, I'm fine with what I have," her eyes shined as she wrapped Ash's arms around her again. 

I stopped, not knowing what to say. "Anyway, um, princess, we have to study." Ash said, kissing her on her cheek. 

"Later then!" She said, standing. "We're gonna study so hard." She said winking, "later Paul." She waved and left the room, music entering and rushing out as quickly as she left. 

"Sorry about that, she can be... not needy, umm, she just knows what she wants." Ash said, chuckling as he messed with his hair. 

I nodded. "Hey um, I gotta go pick up something for english, maybe later we can finish yeah?" I offered, 

"Well, I won't be free.. do you have Skype?Here, I'll give you my user and you shoot me a im. We have practice today until eight tonight, and no doubt Dawn will be over after that since my mom will be home too." He said, pulling out a slip of paper, "I mean, we can only im unless you want to stay up video chatting at like, three in the morning?" He laughed, handing me the paper. 

"Yeah man, I totally understand, I have basketball practice and then I have to wait until cheerleading ends so I can take May home, and then I gotta pick up my brothers medication." I said shrugging, "And there will be nothing else today since I have the SGA meeting." I said, shoving my book into my backpack. 

"You're in the SGA?" Ash asked, turning back to the piano, "we've always asked for money but have never received any, that's why we have so many fundraisers." He said, "even then, this band hall needs more work.." 

I looked at him, "really? I just came into office, I'll see what I can do, I mean you're already doing so much, putting in time for me and band and... Dawn.. anyway, for the Skype, three am sounds good, I can never sleep much anyway." I said, moving towards the door. 

"Great, three it is!" And I stepped out into the main band hall and walked across as best I could seeing as really I didn't belong here... 

* * *

I stared at the bracelet on May's wrist, a small orange bird in the same style of Dawn's penguin.. "First of all, I would like to say you look hot." I started, grinning when she blushed. "And you know I'd give you anything." I said, leaning back in my chair. May nodded, leaning forwards on her toes. "But, SGA is totally out of money this year!" I said, "due to the Athletic Clubs equipment emergency." Or rather, what I had in mind for the band.. 

I couldn't make out May's words as I stared at her belly button, wondering if May had one too.. "I love you babe, but request denied." I said shrugging as I slammed the gavel down. "Next!" 

* * *

After practice I waited for May in the car, she got in, anger clear on her face. 

I stared the car, "Can I run by the pharmacy real quick?" I asked, looking over at her as she took off her make up. 

"Sure, do whatever you want Paul, it's not up to me. I sure as hell can't stop you." I shuddered at her tone. It was kind of hot...

I knew she was mad about the money. I picked up the speed, pulling into the pharmacy drive thru. "May I'm sorry about today," I started. 

"Oh no Paul, it's fine your hands are tied as SGA president." She said, "they just left, pull in." I nodded and shifted into drive and parked the car in front of the window. 

"Hello my name is Johanna, how may I help you?" The woman asked, her face oddly familiar. 

"Um, I'm here to pick up a prescription for Reginald Weiss?" May sat up, looking at me,

"Gimme a second sweetie.." she said, walking away, 

"Who's Reginald?" May asked quietly. 

"My brother." I said, watching as Johanna returned with four large bags. 

"Address Sweetie, for security reasons of course." She asked. 

"237 Meteor Drive." I said, pulling out my wallet. 

"Alright, that will be four hundred and seventy six dollars!" May gasped lightly behind me as she watched me pull out five hundred dollar bills and put them into the basket. 

I watched her as she counted the money, "Would you like me to add the rest to your balance?" I nodded as she added the rest of the money into the register. "Here you go honey." She put the bags in the basket and sent it down, I pulled them out with the receipt and handed them to May. 

"Thank you, have a good evening miss!" 

"You too darling!" And then I pulled the car away from the pharmacy. 

* * *

We continued until I saw an atm, I pulled in, sliding Reggie's credit card in. May sat quietly as I pulled out seven hundred. I pulled the card and the bill's out. 

I heard the bag rip, "Paul?" May asked, her voice small. 

"Yeah babe?" I looked over at her, she stared at two of the six bottles from bag. 

"These are anti-depressants and anti-hysterics.." She looked up at me as I pulled into her driveway. 

"Yeah so?" _oh no. I'm not ready for this..._

"These are your brothers?? What is... nevermind.. I'm sorry.. I just didn't know what to think.." she looked away. 

"It's nothin May, don't worry about a thing." I said, looking at her taking the pills from her and replaced them with the money. 

She looked down at it and shoved it beck at me, "No Paul!! What?? I'm sorry! I don't-" I stopped her, placing the money back in her hands. 

"May, you don't need to worry about anything. Here, so you can get your sets. No, no I don't want to fight over this." May looked torn. "Tell you what, since we both have off days tomorrow, there's someone I want you to meet. I'll even take you for ice cream." 

May nodded quietly, grabbing her backpack. "I'll see you tomorrow.." 

"I love you, I'll pick you and Max up in the morning okay?" May nodded and then turned towards her front door, I waited until she was inside to pull away. 

* * *

I walked through the front door, I found him in the kitchen, pulling out what looked to be lasagna. "Hey Paul!" He said, sounding happier than he had in these last few years. "You're just in time for dinner!"

"Hey Reggie, I brought your meds." I said, noticing the glossy look in his eyes. He nodded quietly, "smells really good.. Maylene teach you that?" I asked, bringing up his trigger to keep him from his other one. 

Like sunshine, he smiled brightly, serving both of us and set them down. I set down water, how much I desperately wanted a coke but the snaps would scare him... 

"Yeah!! She did actually!! But I'm not sure it was as good as hers. But I'm sure when she gets here you'll see!!" He said, practically bouncing in his seat. 

"Hey Reg, I just wanted you to know that I'm bringing over someone tomorrow after school okay?" I asked, moving with him to look him clearly in his eyes. 

"Is it Maylene? Oh Paul have you found her??" He asked, standing. 

It broke my heart to shake my head no. His smile died along with the light in his eyes. "Her name is _May_ , and she's my girlfriend." Suddenly, Reggie's smile returned. And he nodded quickly. "Don't forget now." 

"I won't!!"

* * *

Later on that night I called Ash and we talked over biology all night. I could see Dawn sleeping quietly next to him.

* * *

The school day flew by fast and I found myself anxious about May meeting Reggie... would he lose his grip on reality and attack her? Would she break up with me because of Reggie?? 

Soon we were on our way to the ice cream shop, I let May pick out three of her favorite flavors, cherry, lime and strawberry. And I picked Reggie's and rushed her into the car. 

* * *

The silence was deafening. "May?" I asked, looking over at her as she held her and Reggie's ice cream. 

"Yeah?" She asked, looking over, 

"Do you love me??" 

"Of course I do?? Why are you asking?" She asked, placing her hand on my shoulder as I pulled into my driveway. 

"Promise?" I asked, taking Reggie's ice cream from her. 

"Of course!" I nodded, before I turned to open the door, holding a finger to her mouth, she nodded quietly. 

When we walked in, he was sitting on the couch, dressed in his best house clothes. You couldn't even see the beginning of his prosthetic..

He looked up to see us, his eyes lingered on the frozen treat and then May. His eyes filled with light. "You must be May!" He said, holding his hands out for the ice cream. 

I gave it to him, and he began happily eating the treat. "Reggie this is May, May this is my older brother Reggie." I said careful not to raise my voice, immediately May smiled and stuck her hand out, surprising Reggie who yelled and moved to grab her hand. I stepped in just in time for him to tackle me. I turned us over and held his hands down as he cried. 

May gasped and backed away, "Paul I'm so sorry..." 

* * *

May sat quietly in the corner as I calmed Reggie down, down enough for him to finish introduction. After that they hit it off fine, I warned May from time to time to keep her voice down and she did. 

* * *

"Why didn't you tell me your brother had post traumatic stress disorder?" She asked quietly on the way home. 

I laughed quietly, "how are you supposed to tell someone that? I'm sorry about tonight, I should have briefed you to help I forgot on my side.. I'm sorry you had to see him like that." 

"Is that why there's no doors? And everything else?" I nodded quickly. "Well, I guess I'll have to re-meet him. I didn't make a good first impression, I want to do better!" She said defiantly. I nodded again. "Damn, no wonder you don't play music in the car!! Damn Paul!! I should have seen all this!!" She groaned as we pulled into her driveway. "I'll see you tomorrow morning yeah?"

"Yeah, goodnight Love." I said, kissing her before I let her leave the car. 

* * *

"Wow! She was okay with Reggie?" Ash said sitting up so Dawn could roll under him so he could rub her back for her. 

 _"Sounds like May deserves multiple orgasms in a row Paul. At least seven."_ Dawn said, groaning as Ash slid his thumbs up her spine. 

I sat up, I could feel the blush rising. Ash laughed as something Dawn murmured. "What?"

"Oh nothing, I was just stating how it was obvious that you've never been in May's panties or else you wouldn't be blushing so hard. Paul, listen to me. I know May and I own a vagina, you should show up at her house right now, and go down on her and not stop until she screams and wakes up her whole house." 

 _"Just focus on her clit Paul!"_ Ash said, kneading Dawn's shoulders. 

"Yes Paul! You can't miss it, it's pretty and it's perfect and her hips will jump when you come in contact with it. And don't pull out your dick, focus on her and only her. You can jerk yourself off when you get home." Dawn said, "I'm telling you Paul, march right over- yes Ash righ t there yesss- to her house and climb up her window, tell her it's her reward for being so fuckin amazing and go to fucking town P-paul. At least seven Paul, at least seven that's the least you can give her." Dawn said, leaning up to turn off the video chat. 

"Lick! Don't bite! And remember, if she moves her hips away you're too rough, she moves them up she wants more!" Ash said finally as the screen closed.

* * *

I sat there for a moment, debating. I've never done something like this before? What if I hurt her??? 

I picked up my phone and called her, "You still up May?" I asked when she picked up. 

"Yeah?" Her soft voice came through the phone.

"Are your parents home?" 

"No just me and Max, but he's out so I'm just here.." she yawned. 

"I'm coming over." I said quickly before I hung up. 

* * *

I sat parked outside her driveway for ten minutes, _should I do as Dawn said and do this?? Or do I wait until tomorrow??_

"Paul? Are you okay?" I looked up to see May in her nightdress, her hair pulled into a bun. "When you said you were coming over I didn't think it was just to sit here, did something happen at home?" She asked, walking over to my side of the car. I shook my head. 

"Get in the house May." I said, getting out of the car. May looked bewildered but did as told, not asking why I too was following. 

* * *

"Where's Max?" I asked as I pushed her down against her bed. 

"He's asleep in his room? He sleeps like the dead anyway.. Paul? What are you doing.. I'm not-" I leaned up and kissed her, that seemed to silence her for a second as I pushed up her dress around her waist and pulled her panties down. "Paul! I'm not really sure I'm ready for-" I began kissing my way down her thighs, at the back of my mind I have no  _fucking clue_ what the fuck I am doing. 

In my head I could hear Dawn reminding me to tell May it's a reward... "This is a reward May, for being so good with Reggie, you took it like a champ and I think you deserve this.." I said, 

She sat up and watched with curiosity as I began, before throwing herself back against the bed as she moaned. 

This is amazing?? I don't know what I expected her to taste like but??? What is this sorcery. 

"Paul!" I looked up at her as I continued, she jerked her hips away and I sat up, breathing heavy just as she was. "I'm not ready for sex I-" 

"I don't want to have sex with you May! This, is... what is this?? You deserve this!" I said, sitting up on my heels as May pushed down her dress. She looked more confused than ever. "I'm not going to pull out my dick, I'm not even close to wanting to have sex yet but I know you deserve consecutive orgasms." 

May was red as cherries, "I don't know what to say Paul.." 

"Then don't," I said, pulling her back down, "let me get you off." I pushed her dress back up and went back down.

* * *

 I pulled into the driveway later on that morning, May was still blushing pretty and Max was laughing. 

"May wet the bed!" He said, jumping into the car. I looked over at May, who shook her head in shame. 

"I'll tell you later.." 

* * *

After we dropped Max off May immediately began hitting me in the shoulder. "Go buy me a breakfast taco or something I'm angry with you!!" 

"Um?? Okay?? What did I do this time??" I asked looking over at her. 

"You made me start my period early and I had to bleach my sheets. That's why Max thought I pissed the bed! I ruined my favorite nightie!!"  


	5. The Bahler Cometh

"Hammer it! Hammer it! Nail it, nail it!"

_My name is Kenny J Bahler._

"One nail!"

_Every kid thinks their parents are crazy or stupid or embarrassing. But mine are literally killing me._

"Oh!"

I turned in bed as the wall behind me shook. I looked up to see my trophy from the robotics contest I took part in in the seventh grade plummet towards me. I couldn't even think of moving as it hit me square in the forehead. "Ow! Son of a bitch!" I yelled, sitting up and threw off my covers. "Could you guys maybe knock it off for one night? I have school in the morning." I yelled, slamming open my door and made my way down the hall.

"What are you talking about, bud?" Dad said, opening the door as I began to knock, his robe open, it was obvious he had roughly puled up his boxers. "Mommy and I were just hanging a picture." He said, the camera in his hand still flashing as turned to my mother who stood with our family portrait in front of her body, thankfully covering everything. It was a nice lie though.

"Look I'm aware you're not capable of being normal parents, but just, um, keep the whatever it is you're doing down." I said, looking away from the scene of their utterly trashed bedroom.

"Now, wait just a minute. What do you mean, we can't be normal parents?" Mom asked, her tone stern as she put down the picture frame.  _I feel like I'm gonna throw up._

"Mom, there's a dude I've never seen before standing behind your armoire." I said, pointing further into the room at the man who was also naked.

"Evening." he said, closing the door to the armoire.  _Yep, gonna throw up._

"That's what I mean not normal." I said, putting my hands up and shook my head.

"Teenagers." I heard the other man say as my dad closed the door and I began the walk of shame back to my room.

* * *

"Hey, Kenny." May said, walking up towards me. "I came to school naked today."

"What?" I asked, looking over at the goddess that is May Rochester. She was in fact, naked.

May waved her hand in front of my face. "I said, 'is it cool if I can't make it today?" And suddenly she was clothed again. just like last time. "You know, our study-buddy session."

"Yeah. Um Yeah, that's fine." I said, shaking my head and desperately trying to will away the hard on I was getting.  _Fuck I need sleeep... "_ Yeah, we could-you know, we'll do it some other night."

"Actually, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.." May said, pulling her hand on my shoulder.

"I don't think I'm gonna be able to make it for at least a few weeks. Mrs. Bender offered me the lead in the school musical." She squealed, jumping on her toes.

"You're kidding." I said, breathless as she removed her hand. "I mean that's awesome for you."

"Thanks." She smiled sadly, "Too bad you're not doing it too. I mean, we totally could have hung out and studied during rehearsals."

"Yeah, I mean, that would have been, uh, interesting." I said, shaking my head, thinking of all the things I could do without Paul around... and alone... "I totally would have auditioned, had I known, but I mean.." I kinda winced as I pictured it. But then again.. May..

"Why don't you? Auditions don't end till tomorrow." May asked.

"Uh, I mean, I- really-uh, no, I- you know, I got something-"

"Come on Kenny! All you got to do is get up and read a few lines." She said, placing her hand above mine.

_Musical here I come._

* * *

"A musical, Kenny?" Drew asked, sounding utterly disgusted. "You know what, dude? Why don't you just hire a couple guys to fly planes into our reputations?!" He said, flicking a fry at me.

"Okay, what else would you like me to do? I mean, without our study dates, I don't have any reason to be with her." I said, shaking my head, he threw another, I moved to catch it. Perfect! "Nice. How else am I gonna win her over?"

"Step one, don't let her see you prance around in a leotard! You want her to spin around on your fun stick, not take you for a mani/pedi!" Drew sighed, looking around the cafeteria. "You have to do something manly in front of her."

"What do you mean, "manly"?"

"You know, manly. Like grow a mustache or, uh beat the piss out of some random seventh grader." Drew offered, throwing another fry

"She's not gonna be into me for beating up some kid." I sighed, "Drew come on."

"What? She goes out with Paul Weiss! That guy single-handedly destroyed more kids than divorce! Look, people laugh at you for just walking down the hall, KJ." Drew said, it was true, both about Paul and me. "Imagine what they'll do if they see you dance."

* * *

"Kenny! Dinner!" My mom called right as I walked into the dining room. I picked up my plate and began my trek back to me room. I was emailing May..

"Hey. Just where do you think you're going?" My mother asked, sitting down, her hand up.

"To my room." I said, pointing towards the hall.

"Oh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. No, tonight the three of us are going to have a normal family dinner like normal families do. So you just throw that fanny in reverse and park it." She said, her sturn tone coming. I looked to my father for help.

"Oh, you heard your mother." He said. taking a sip of his wine. "So what's the, uh, hiz-aps at school?" He asked, smiling at me.

I almsot choked, "really?"

"Come on, Kenny." Mom said, "Daddy's asking a perfectly normal question."

"Uh, okay, well, uh I'm auditioning for the high-school musical tomorrow." I said, taking a sip of water.

"Look out!" My dad said, clapping. "That is fantastic."

"Well, excuse me, Matthew Broderick." My mother said, winking at me.

"What's the play, bud?" Dad asked, pouring another glass.

"It's like- it's an original p- it's like, uh-it's a mash-up between West Side story and-and-and twilight." My mother gasped and my dad nodded.

"West Side is one of our favorites."

"That's-that's if I get a part. I'm not even gonna want you guys to come. I'm sure it's gonna be-" I was cut off by my mom as she began to sing.

"I'm a Puerto Rican gal you're a handsome white guy and something, something else.."

"mom-" I tried to stop her as she began snapping, my dad following behind as they walked around the table.

"And we can't be together 'cause our gang's got a beef there's some fighting and some dancing I get stabbed, and maybe I get killed oh!"

"And I'm crying over your dead body I sing a big song, then we start to make out-" I just sighed as he slammed her down against the table and began hitching her dress up. I grabbed my plate and made my way back to my room.

* * *

"You crazy, man? Nobody can Tokyo drift Better than me!" Some swag asian said, break dancing.

"Next!" Mrs. Bender yelled, waving him off the stage.

Then came Columbine Rudy, "Sunshine and lemonade with kittens and rainbows-" he smiled and began dancing when she threw down her tablet.

"Next!" Then Giselle walked onstage.

"Next! Oh, come on, people! Isn't there someone here with an ounce of natural talent? Who's next?"

"You're up." Some guy said, a stagehand, waving at me.

"Come on!" Mrs. Bender yelled as I walked onstage.

"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen." I began, reading off the pages. "Every morning when I- when I go to sleep, it's her I dream about."

"No, no, no! It's about passion, okay? About a boy who loves a girl with every ounce of his being! Loves her so much, it hurts." Bender held her hands to her chest. "Ever felt that way about a girl, uh Kendrick Ballet?"

"Uh, it's-it's Kenn-"

"that kind of burning love? A burning love that couldn't be consummated. Hmm?" She cut me off, just then May walked in and sat down amongst the other people.

"Yes." I said, my mouth going slightly dry.

"Again." She said, sitting back down.

"She's the most beautiful girl I've ever seen. Every morning, when I go to sleep, it's her I dream about." I said, looking up at May, "And every time she walks by me, it's It's like the sun goes down. But like the sun she turns me to ashes, because I don't belong in her world. She sees right through me. I am undead to her." I could see May smile that great smile,

"I found my leading man! Kendrick!" Everyone clapped, May included.

* * *

"The lead in the high-school musical, Kenny? The lead?" Drew groaned,

"I-I wasn't trying to get the lead, you know. It just sort of- it happened. I-I got up there, and-and I was, like- I was thinking about May. It was weird, and it just- it just sort of came out."

"Yeah? May I remind you what came out last time you did a school play?" Drew asked, Horrible flashbacks came to me immediately.

 _First up, we have Johnny as the rose._  
_Next stop, we have Timmy as a blade of grass._  
_"And I feel tickly on bare feet."_  
_As our dewdrop, we have Sally._  
_"I'm a drop of dew, and I help all the plants grow."_  
_And lastly, we have Kenny as the daffodil. "I'm a daffodil, and I-"_  I remember looking out at the crowd and suddenly-  _Oh! I hate the daffodil!_

"A lot's changed since then!" I said, sitting down at the lunch table.

"Yeah." Drew scoffed, "Your poops have gotten bigger. All right, I know bad ideas, and this-this is a bad idea." He said.

"Hey, Kenny." I looked up to see Bianca DeSousa move to sit down. "Great audition yesterday." She smiled wide and Drew nudged me under the table.

"Thanks." I stuttered as she threw her hair over her shoulder,

"Maybe we could meet after school sometime," She smiled and looked down in her lap "run lines?" She bit her lip and moved her hair to her other shoulder.

I sat there for a second, shocked as she low key adjusted the collar on her dress. "Yeah, um I'd love t-to do that with you." I choked out as the pink lace lining of her bra appeared and disappeared in seconds.

"Well, I'll see you at rehearsal." She said, sitting up,

"Okay." I said, watching as she walked off. Her hips swaying with her dress.

 _"Control, alt, delete everything I just said."_  Drew whispered forcefully, hitting me on the shoulder.

* * *

"That's it. Deep stretches!" Mrs. Bender said, walking around the stage as we stretched. "Feel yourself becoming one with the stage. Now, I want you all to listen closely.  _Girls don't want Shakespeare unless DiCaprio goes shirtless. Boys don't want Jane Austen unless there are zombies in it. Kids want mash-ups. They want sex. And this year, we're going to give them both. Vamp side story is a tale of forbidden love and hard-bodied vampires._  It's a show that demands intensity and passion. This is especially true of our beautiful Mary played by May Rochester and our naturally pale vampire Anthony played by Kendrick Ballet." She said, lightly slapping May's cheeks to get even more color flushing to them.

"It's-it's K-" I began,

"in the end their love will triumph, and their lips will meet in a final, tragically deep kiss." She swooned.

"Wait." I said, "We kiss?!" I looked over at May who blushed.

* * *

I walked into the auditorium, "Places, please! Places, everyone!" Mrs. Bender said, everyone filed into place.

"So you finally get to swap spit with May Rochester. A little intimidating, no?" Giselle asked, I turned to see her sit up in the auditorium seat running her finger down my chest.

"Uh, shut up, Gis." I said, pushing her away.

"What? I'm just saying. If I finally got to kiss the girl of my dreams, I'd be terrified of screwing it up." She smirked... she's thinking something..

"If you're trying to get into my head, I-"

"It's not your head I want to get into." She giggled.

"Giselle-"

"You only get one chance to make a first impression. And let's be honest,  _Kendrick._ You haven't much experience in the spit-swapping department." Giselle laughed.

"So?" I asked, turning back to her.

"So say you get up there and gum at her like a caveman with a Turkey leg? You'll be kissing the girl of your dreams good-bye." She said, "If you want to practice, my mouth is open 24-7." She said, moving close, before she laughed and danced away.

I looked up and watched May spin on her heels, though I hated to admit it. Giselle is right.

* * *

_"So you're the one who taught Kenny everything he knows about acting?"_ Bianca asked,  
_"So what's your technique? How do you, like, take someone and turn them into a great actor?"_

"I take a hands-on approach, Bianca." Drew said, I shook my head as Bianca moved closer to him on the black couch. "Um, but to be honest with you, they have to have a certain amount of natural talent." He said, tensing as she leaned in more, "But what I do is is I take that talent, and And I-and I mold it.. You know, I-I-I squeeze it until it's five or six times bigger than it was." He said, moving his hands in an obscene gesture to her breasts.

"Do you think I have enough natural talent to be molded?" Bianca asked, catching on, moving into Drew's lap.

"I think you could be the next Aria Eva Sinclair." Drew choked out as Bianca giggled and leaned in, reaching down to place Drew's hands on her hips.

* * *

"Kiss my cold lips. I promise I won't bite!" I said, partly wheezing as I laid back onto the altar. I held my breath as May leaned down and oh  _sweet Arceus this is happening an-_

"And scene! Beautiful, Kendrick! Absolutely beautiful." Mrs. Bender said, grabbing me by my shoulders. I silently screamed as May moved to take off the heels that she was supposed to wear for her part.

"Mrs. Bender?" I asked, looking over at her.

"Yes, my love?" She asked,

"Um, well, you know, I was just wondering, you know, it's opening night tomorrow night, and We really haven't, you know, worked out the whole, uh- the-the kiss." I said, closing my eyes as May moved to stand next to me.

"Yeah, Kenny's right. It's the climax, and we haven't even rehearsed it." She said, looking down at me.

"You never rehearse the first kiss." Mrs. Bender said laughing,

"You don't?" I asked, looking over at May.

"It has to be fresh. You need to feel your way into each other. When I see you kiss up there, I want to see that discovery.  _I want to feel that sensuality. I want to taste that saliva..._ From the top!" She twirled, May shook her head and moved into place.

* * *

I stood there, in full costume, psyching myself up for the stage.  _Tonight is the night... the night I kiss May Rochester..._

"Hey!" May said, opening the door, walking in in a dark blue dress that brought out her eyes. "Listen I know what Mrs. Bender said, but I was thinking maybe we could rehearse everything, you know, just leading up to the kiss, just so you don't go this way, and I go that way." She laughed, twisting her hands in a nervous way.

"Um Now-now?" I asked, my heart beating so hard against my ribs.

"Yeah. Here, lie down." she said, pointing towards the couch. "Okay. Um, so Okay." There was a lot of awkward fumbling as I made to lie down and she moved on top of me.

"Right. Okay, we do this."

"So you're gonna grab my hand." She directed and I did, "Pull me in... Pull me close."

"I go-" I stumbled over my words as her necklace fell into my face.

"Then I'll lean in like this." She said, moving her face in towards mine, I could smell her watermelon lip gloss.

"Uh-huh." I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as she sat right down in my lap.

"Okay." I fumbled and she moved like second nature...  _knowing Paul it probably is.._

"Now, put your arm around me that." She moved my hand up around her.

"Does that feel okay?" I choked out,

"Mm-hmm, that's really- And then I'll lean in like this.. and that's when we'll kiss!" She said, smiling, as she stood back up.

"That's when we kiss." I repeated, shaking my head.

"That felt okay, right?" She asked, her hands clasped in front of her.

"Yeah, that felt awesome."

"Okay, good."

_That felt really, really good._

"Great." She said, turning to leave, her dress swaying behind her. I could feel my boner pressing against the zipper of my jeans..

_Fuck._

* * *

I stood there for a second, trying to get my boner back under control. I pulled my jacket over my lap as Drew came in rushing through the door.

"Bro, it is a packed house out there! You pull this off, and you're gonna have May Rochester costarring in your underwear!" He said, jumping up and down excitedly.

"Hey, Drew, I, uh, I can't-I can't kiss May onstage." I stuttered. Not daring to turn around.

"What? Come on, come on, man, hey, hey, hey. Opening night jitters, man. Shake it out. Shake it out, all right? You're gonna do great." Drew said, trying to help, "All right? Hey, what was May Rochester doing in he-" he said and I turned around, dropping the jacket.

I could feel the blush on my face as Drew slammed the door, "Dude! Why are you harboring a midget in your leotard?!" Drew asked, holding his hands in his head.

"Drew, I got a big problem." I groaned. "I can't go out there, Drew!" I whined,

"Okay, okay, okay, okay. Let's not panic. Let's just think about something that'll tame that tiger." He said, staring at my predick-ament.

"Don't look at it!" I turned away shielding myself from his gaze.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Thank you!"

"Shh, shh, shh. Let's think about something like-ah, God-" He cut off,

"Like what?" I yelled.

"Like-like homework!" he yelled,

"Ah-" I looked at him,  _he knows I love homework._

Drew cursed "Dog-dogfighting circles."

"No! Come on Drew!"

"Okay, o-Oprah's feet." he offered,

"Oh, I kind of like Oprah." I said, Drew groaned soon after.

"Uh Paul Weiss!" Drew yelled, having an aha! moment.

I groaned and looked away, "Even I can't deny he looks good.. I can't, I can't. I can't, I can't." I said, turning back to the mirror.

"Hold on, hold on. Did you-did you, uh, self-serve?" Drew asked, his hand making a jerk gesture,

"No! Shh. Twice today, already, yeah." I shook my head.

"All right, look." Drew turned and locked the door, "Okay, look, ready? Look at these things. This is gross. This is a major boner killer right here." He said as he  _pulled off his shirt and began rubbing his nipples. Then he pushed them up and made a licking motion. **Fuck fuck fuck fuck.**_

"Okay, stop, stop! That's awful. That's awful." I shook my head, Drew pulled his shirt down, looking slightly hurt. "Look, he's smart, okay? And he knows what's going on. And he knows we're kissing May Rochester tonight. He's not gonna go away. Ohh - I-I can't do it, I can't do it! I can't do it!" I whispered as the music came on, my cue was approaching fast.

"Dude, pull yourself together! I got six hot girls out there waiting to hop on my casting couch, okay? There's too much riding on this!" Drew yelled, grabbing me by my shoulders as he slammed me up against the wall.

"I'm sorry." I whispered,

"Let's hey! Hey!" Drew turned and looked around before he ran to the desk, pulling open a roll of duct tape. "Let me see that thing."

I stared at the duct tape for a second, "Thanks so much Drew, I love you." I said, pulling down my jeans.

* * *

"Good job, good job." May whispered as we switched places and she ran on the stage.

"You sure you don't want to eat my face a little before your big scene?" Giselle asked, taking my jacket from me.

"Gis." I warned,

"Okay, okay, fine. But at least take my advice- easy on the teeth and avoid choking her with your tongue." Gis said, handing me a towel.

"Oh, my gosh. You're doing so great. You're doing amazing." May said, running back stage and turned around, beckoning me to unzip her dress. "Oh, my gosh. I love the choice." She said as I released the zipper.

"My choice?"

"Yes. Your limp, from the fight with Bernie? So smart." She said, pulling up a red dress before she turned around again.

"I know, right?"  _Hahahahahahahh this wasn't a choice fuck fuck fuck fuck fuu_

"Yeah."  
_So next number's up, people._ _Let's go!_

"So That's my cue. I'll see you at the climax." May said, walking back on stage.

"Yeah, okay..."

* * *

_"Die, vamp! Oh!"_  Bernie said, driving the fake stake through my heart.

"Oh, no!" May gasped.

_"Oh, yeah! Yeah! Let's roll!"_

"Kiss my cold lips. I will not bite For I've already been bitten by love." I gasped, backing up into the altar and laid down, May ran to my side. May blushed as she leaned down, puckering her lips.

Then I felt it, and heard it. A loud ripping sound filled the quiet auditorium as my boner ripped off the duct tape.

_Oh, my God!_

_He's pitching a tent!_

_He's got a wooden stake in his shorts!_

_He's got a boner!_

_Yo, Bahler! You suck._

May gasped as she stood back up, the kiss never happening. Before she turned and ran, I looked over at the audience and saw my parents sitting front row, my father shaking his head.

"That's my son!"

* * *

"All-new low for Kenny J. Bahler. Killed the play."

I sighed as I turned to my locker. The words "Kenny J. BONER!" painted on it.

"Hi. Yeah. Ruined your chance with six very naughty-looking girls." I said as Drew came and leaned against my locker, looking very sad.

"Yep." He agreed.

"I'm a walking disaster." I said, turning to see May walk down the halls.

"Hey, look at the bright side. You brought down the curtain early, which is good, 'cause that play totally sucked ball- oh, man." Drew said.

"Next time I have an idea like this, just..." I trailed off as Drew placed his hand on my shoulder.

"Come on, man."

"Blow my brains out." I leaned against my locker. 

"No!-"

"Hey, Kenny." I turned to see May, standing there in her cheerleader uniform, her arms crossed over her chest. 

"Hi." I stuttered.   


"Um, can I talk to you alone for a minute?" She looked over at Drew, he nodded and walked away. "I owe you an apology, Kenny, for last night. I shouldn't have freaked out like that. It was just, um It was just a little surprising." May blushed, 

"You're apologizing? I'm the one who ruined the show." I said,

"No, it was not your fault. We should have rehearsed it. You were good, Kenny. You were really good. No matter what anyone says, they can't take that away from you." She said, placing her hand on my shoulder. "I'll see you later for study hall." 

* * *

"I don't wanna talk about it." I said, sitting up as my parents walked into my room, 

"You don't have to." My dad said, looking down at the floor. 

"We have something to say to you." I looked up at them, curious as to why they were actually dressed in clothes. "No, seriously You were right, Kenny. We're not the world's most normal parents. But then again, you're not a normal kid." 

"You're extraordinary. And we couldn't be more proud." My mom said, taking the chance to sit down on the bed next to me, running her fingers through my hair. 

"Thanks, guys." I mumbled, turning my face into her hand as I started to cry. 

"No problem, bud. Love you." My dad said as he sat on the other side, and then they left. 

 _My name is Kenny J. Bahler._ _Yes, my parents are crazy, and stupid, and embarrassing_  "Harder! Harder!"  _But they're my parents._  
"Right there." 


	6. The Bahler Cometh 2.0 - Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dawn's backstory, we meet Clemont and Paul has to keep it in his pants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please read!!! This got out of hand quickly, also I mean hey, Ash does have a nice ass...

"Band! Ten-hut!" Ash yelled, clapping, suddenly everyone stopped.

"One!" They all yelled, standing in off positions, hands down at their sides.

"Put your water jugs up and get in warm up block!" Gary yelled, time seemed to speed up as they ran to set down their instruments and water jugs before they ran towards the middle of the parking lot. 

"And they do this everyday?" I asked, looking over at Dawn who stood against the wall, putting out her cigarette. 

"They get Tuesdays off, but other than that, yeah." She huffed, the last bit of smoke leaking out. "I'm just here to watch Ash, his ass is Arceus given in those damn shorts." She said, biting down on her bottom lip, making a squeezing motion with her hands. 

"Let's start with the run!" Gary said, "Long run!" Suddenly everyone groaned.

I watched as they all took off, Ash and Gary up in front, before Ash turned back around, and stopped completely. "Stop! Everyone stop!" And they did.

_If I could get my team to listen to me like this.._

I watched as he ran to the back, and kneeled next to a blonde haired boy who was breathing heavily. "Hey Clemont? Will you run with me up front?" He asked, pulling the boy up from his position. Clemont looked up at Ash desperately. "You can do it, I know you can!" Ash said, jogging to the front of the group, Clemont in tow. "Just keep breathing buddy!" 

* * *

It took them thirty minutes to finish the long run, Ash wouldn't let anyone pass him and Clemont. 

When they finally came back into the regular block they cheered. 

"Let's give it up for Clemont!" Ash and Gary yelled, and the rest of the band erupted in cheers as Ash handed Clemont a wet towel and sat him down on the sideline. 

"That's my Ash," Dawn cooed, "never leaves anyone behind, even if it is the boy who only works the soundboard." She smiled, "And he's got such a big.." she blushed for a second and I realized what she was about to say, "heart. That's why I started dating him, at the time, he was the only one who cared enough.. through everything.." she slid down the pole, then her hand shot out and pulled on my wrist, forcing me down too. 

"How did you two meet anyway?" I asked, watching her pull out the rest of her cigarette, a quick flick and she was offering. I shook my head as she shrugged and took a long drag. 

"I met him my sophomore year, Ash stupidly had taken AP in junior high, and thought he was ready for Biology, I had to tutor him." She said, throwing the butt of the cigarette before she pulled out a small bottle of mouthwash and took a swig. "My ex boyfriend was an asshole, but I thought he loved me, so when he began hitting me, I let him. One day, I had forgot I had invited Ash over to my house for a study session. And my ex was over, and he had just raised his palm when Ash burst through the door. He sees Max's hand, and for a niner, that boy was strong. He broke Max's nose," I looked at her for a second. Suddenly feeling angry, Dawn was so... nice.. why would-? 

 _"Band! Ten-hut!"_  

"Anyway, Ash stayed over that night, and kept me for throwing myself out my window after Max. He laid with me until I fell asleep." She smiled weakly, turning her face towards mine, "he helped me get over Max, made me realize I didn't need Max to be happy. Then, he braided my hair and moved himself to the floor when I fell asleep." We turned to the parking lot when Ash began screaming.

"I'm not going to let you half-ass this! Reset!" And they did. 

"I deflowered Ash the next morning," She said quickly, "And for a fourteen year old who hadn't even had his first kiss- he lasted pretty long. Five minutes.." she said snickering. "But, he's done more than give good dick, he helped me when my parents told me they were divorcing. He helped me stay." A tear slid down her face, "I don't deserve him. He's so great. I think I love him. And I say think because Love is irrelevant." 

* * *

"I gotta go pick up May from rehearsals!" I said, looking at the clock after Ash and I had been studying for nearly two hours. 

"No prob Bob, call me on Skype when you get home!" Ash said, picking up his bag. I nodded and left. 

* * *

"How was it babe?" I asked as May slid into the car,

"It was great! I think I'm really getting it down!" She giggled, I laughed and shook my head. "Hey, I'm starving, can you stop by Taco Bell??" She asked, laying against my shoulder.

"Yeah, whatever you want babe." I said, stopping at the red light, "and don't worry about it, you'll be great no matter what!" With that, the light turned green and May laughed. I looked down at her as she leaned against my shoulder, thinking about what Dawn had said. I couldn't imagine anyone putting their hands on May, just the thought made me want to go on a war- punch a wall. 

We pulled into the drive thru and I nudged her, "Just get me the usual." She groaned, pulling her jacket tighter around her. 

"Hello, I'll take six beefy five-layer burritos with a taco-bell grande and three soft tacos. Also, a large cherry cola!" I said, "that will be all." 

"Your total will be thirty-six dollars and fifty three cents!" The lady on the microphone said, I thanked her and pulled up to the window, pulling out a forty. 

"Keep the change." I told her as I handed May the large bag. 

"Thank you!" May squealed as we pulled back onto the road. 

"No prob Bob-" I almost hit the brake button when I realized I had just said the same thing Ash had said. May just laughed and continued eating. 

* * *

I pulled her into my lap, she tasted like the cherry cola she had finished not but a few seconds ago. 

"We need to stop-" I said, pulling away as she slid her hands to my belt. 

"Oh come on Paul!" She groaned, I shook my head, 

"No way May-May, your parents will be home soon and I gotta check on Reggie." I said, trying to move her out of my lap. 

"Why won't you let me do this? You've gone down on me three times and you won't even let me see the tops of your boxers!" She whined, sitting back down on the couch, her legs crossed. 

"Nope, no way." I said, kissing her on her forehead as I got up to leave. "see you tomorrow, Love you!" 

"If you did you'd let me see your dick." She pouted, crossing her arms as she turned her head away. 

"Just wait a little longer May- I'm not ready."

* * *

"Well, how long have you been dating?" Dawn asked, blankets and pillows piled both on top of her and beneath her, I watched as her eyes screwed shut as Ash did whatever he was doing behind the blankets. 

"Almost two years." I answered, trying to sound casual as Ash suddenly pushed off all the blankets, to where I could see him, shirtless and breathless as Dawn lifted her hips. 

"And you haven't even thought of being between her thighs? It's obvious she's waiting on you Paul, she's getting really restless too.." Ash said, suddenly Dawn let out a scream, I could feel the blush burning my cheeks. I shook my head. 

"I thought that y'know, company would be enough..." I shrugged, Dawn nodded, sitting up. 

"Company is always good Paul, so is waiting, there's no shame in it." She said, hitting Ash on the shoulder. 

* * *

"I'm gonna  _fucking kill Bahler I swear to-"_

"Paul!" May said, cutting me off. We were sitting on her couch as she cried over what happened tonight. "It's not his fault!" 

"Not his fault? May he-" 

" _We never practiced the kiss Paul, as far as I know, Kenny hasn't even been kissed.."_ May said, trailing off, "But it makes me wonder.." She cocked her head to the side, 

"No way May." I leaned away as she made a grab for me. 

"Come on Paul!" She whined. But right as she stood up, her front door unlocked. 

_Saved by the parentals, thank Arceus._

* * *

"I don't know what to do man." I said, closing the book for what had to be the third time. It was a Saturday but we had been studying since I had a couple hours to spare before I had to pick Reggie up from Physical Therapy. Ash only sighed. "I love May, I really do, I just- sex isn't- I." I stopped, trying to figure out where to go.  

"I- Paul, there's nothing wrong with waiting, at all." Ash said, "and there's also nothing wrong with not wanting sex ever." He shrugged. "I'm just saying that because there are people who don't like sex or the thought of it." 

"I just, I don't know what I want.. I mean, I'm perfectly fine with going down on her," 

"You just don't want her to do the same, or, don't want penetration." Ash said, cutting me off. 

"Or- are you afraid you'll choke her with whatever you've got in those jeans?" I turned to see Dawn who was pressed against the doorway. "Don't mind me, I'm having cramps. But I think you just need to get more comfortable with her." She said, "when was the first time you actually started getting heavy when you guys made out?" She asked as Ash moved to let Dawn have the seat. 

I sat up, "um-" 

"You don't have to answer that, is she your first girlfriend?" I nodded quickly, 

"Actually our anniversary is coming up soon..." I said.

"That's it! This is still new to you and you just need someone to guide you!" Dawn said, "sit in his lap Ash!" She said, pushing Ash over near me. 

I looked at her bewildered, "Um-" 

"For love! Plus, I'm cramping and he is as tall as May, it'll be more realistic." She said, raising an eyebrow at Ash, who blushed and looked down at the carpet. Before he slowly stood and sat on the edge of my knee. 

"This is enough-" he began to say, not daring to look at me as I did the same to him. 

 _"Ash."_ Dawn's tone dropped low and Ash shivered, before he turned and swung his other leg over my thigh to where he was straddling me. 

"Why are we even doing this Dawn???? He knows how to-"

"Shut up and lean forward, Paul, put your hands on Ash's hips!" I looked over Ash's shoulder, her eyes were wide and her hands were clasped in front of her heart.

I leaned back and did as told when she glared.

"Don't kill me." Ash whispered, and we both looked different directions other than each other. 

 _"Damn babe,"_ Dawn groaned, pulling her chair towards us, " _you've got such a great ass, Paul you've got to-"_

"Ash! I'm so glad you're-" Clemont stopped as he ran into the small practice room, he stared at the three of us, Ash who was bright red and slightly trembling in my lap and Dawn who had her hands on Ash's backside.. 

_Thank Arceus for this kid man dear lord._

"Hey Clemmy, what's up?" Ash said, quickly climbing out of my lap, thankfully. 

"I need your help on this one part, I can't seem to get the microphone to sync up." He said, "Sorry to interrupt your studying with-" 

"It's not problem, I have to go pick up Reggie anyway." I said quickly, looking over at Ash. He nodded and got up to leave.  I ran so fast out of the band hall.


	7. Here's to you, Mrs. Robbins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kenny gets a job to buy May a gift, but it impacts his friendship with Drew.

_"They say ribbed is for her pleasure, but we all know it's too itchy."_ Drew said, as we walked down the halls. I watched him as he bent way low to watch as Serena bent over to get something from her locker. When she came back up she sneered at him, we hurriedly walked along as Barry came down the stairs.

"Whoa. I swear, dude." Drew said, "Chicks do not know how to take compliments these days." He shook his head, 

"In theory, you could be a little bit more subtle with the eye-banging. I mean, if it creeps me out, imagine how she feels." I said, placing my hand on his shoulder. 

"Why? I mean, this is the only time in our lives that we are allowed to stare at teenage ass. When that guy does it, then it's creepy." He said, pointing at Mr. Gaiman who pushed up his glasses as he stared at the girls who walked by. 

"All right, that guy deserves to be on dateline." I agreed, 

"Oh. Look at her, dude." Drew said, motioning to the perfection that is, May Rochester. "Passing out her precious invitations to the chosen few. _And you're cool. And you. And, yep, you too. Congratsies."_ His voice went up a few octaves as he tried to copy May's voice. "I mean, give me a break! You know, we don't need that kind of validation from the a-list." 

"Hey, Kenny! Hope you can make it." May said, stepping into my line of view, handing me the card. I waved bye as she walked away. 

"Give me that. Sweet 16. 'Kenny J Bahler, you are cordially invited to the Celestic Town tennis club this Friday at 5:00 p.m.' Blah, blah, blah.  
May Rochester's sweet 16 birthday party. Attire. Gifts welcome of course. Blah, blah, blah." Drew read off of the card, "Dude, where the hell is the plus one? Hey, this is only good for one!" He turned to rip it up when I saved it from his clutches. 

"Drew I just got invited to May Rochester's sweet 16." I said, jumping up and down.

"And it sucks you have to decline, man.

I mean, you wouldn't go without your boy." Drew said, "Would you?" I couldn't help the smile that came onto my face, Drew's face twisted. "You skinny, double-crossing, freak penis, matzoh-eating, four-eyed zit-"

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler and it's good to be invited._

"Choke your ass out and drown you in the toilet." Drew said, making a gesture with his hands.

* * *

"Wow." Drew said, jumping over the railing into the seat next to me, "I mean, bro, it's one thing to have a crush on a girl, but this is, like, psycho stalker territory." He said as he watched me draw a picture of May in her cheerleader uniform. "You're not thinking of mailing her a jar of your own pubes or anything, are you?

"It's her birthday present." I shook my head, pulling the picture out again.

"Oh, yes. May Rochester's precious sweet 16 party." Drew's voice changed, as he rolled his eyes. 

"Drew-" 

"You're lucky that phony fest isn't the same night as raiders, because if you flaked on that, so help me, God." 

"Dude, I would never miss the chance to see raiders of the lost ark on the big screen." 

"I don't know, dude. I mean, you are ditching me for May's party." 

"Drew, look, dude, you should be happy I'm going. All right, six months ago, May had no idea who we were. We were, like, two random dudes. Now she invited one of us on purpose." I looked up at him. "All right? Next time, maybe she'll invite both of us." 

Drew laughed, "Yeah, well, there won't be a next time if you give her that stupid sketch for her birthday." 

"I think she'll like it." I defended, putting the drawing back. 

"Yeah, if it's wrapped around a piece of jewelry maybe." He said, "Dude, girls like May don't spread for stupid sketches. They want to see price tags. You know, you gotta spend that coin if you want to get that loin." He made yet another obscene gesture.  

"May's not superficial like that." I groaned, hitting him in the shoulder. 

"Oh, right. She's with Paul Weiss because he's average-looking and poor." 

"What am I supposed to do? I don't have any money." I said, leaning against his shoulder. 

"I don't know, dude. But if I were you, I'd be embarrassed to show up without a kick-ass gift." Drew said, patting my head. "Later, man."

* * *

"Mom." I twisted my hands, how exactly do I ask for this??

"Kenny, do you have a toenail infection or something? Every one of these socks is a crusty mess." My mother asked, her voice taking on a disgusted tone. I stopped, my heart beat fast in my chest. 

"Mom, I have a small crisis on my hands." I said, swallowing hard.

"What is it, honey?" She asked, throwing the socks in the washer.

"I need $300 by the end of the week." I said quickly. 

"Oh." She said, "Well, first of all, I know for a fact you can get that done for under 100. But let me ask you, have you and the young lady considered dropping it off at a fire station?"

"Mom." I shook my head quickly. 

"Selling it to a nice gay couple?" She offered.

"Mom, it's for May Rochester's sweet 16 gift." I said, watching as she put in more clothes to the washer. 

"Oh! Oh! Oh, thank goodness." My mother laughed. "Oh, gee, you scared me half to death. This is not the ass of a grandmother." She muttered. "One, two, three, and four." I watched as she added in the soap. "Oh, you know what, you should go see Bill and Linda Robbins. They're always hiring handymen for odd jobs. Maybe they'll have something around the house for you to do!" She said, having an aha! moment. 

"Really? All right. I'm gonna go over there now." I said. 

"Mm! Great." I said as watched as she closed the top and put it on heavy duty spin cycle. I ran once I saw her sit on top of the washing machine, soft moans coming from the washroom.

* * *

"Kenny James Bahler, is that you?" Mrs. Robbins asked, lifting her glasses as I walked through her back yard.

"Hi, Mrs. Robbins, Mr. Robbins." I said, nodding to her and her husband as I walked over towards the hot tub where they currently were. 

"What are you doing here, love?" Mrs. Robbins asked,  

"I was just- you know, my mom mentioned that you guys might have some stuff that I could do around the house, you know, for money." I said, biting my lip as I looked at them. 

"Kenny, I didn't know you were handy." Mrs. Robbins said. 

"I'm trying to make a little extra money by the end of the week for whatever." 

"Well, hell, anything that saves me a trip to the home depot parking lot, right? Well, I'll tell you what, Kenny, we're expecting a guest any minute, so why don't you just come by after school tomorrow? We'll find something for you to do." Mr. Robbins said, looking over at his wife. 

"Really? Oh, thank you guys so much. I-I'll definitely do that. All right. Um, see you tomorrow." I said, turning to walk away as a _beautiful girl_ in a pink dress walk up.  

* * *

 "Nice kid." Bill said, looking over at his wife. 

"A sweetheart." Linda Robbins 

"Oh, you're a sweetheart." Bill said, 

"Stop it." 

"Oh, hello. You must be Charlene." Bill said as the young blonde girl walked up to them as Kenny left 

"Mm." Linda said, eyeing the girl. "She looked better in her profile." 

* * *

 "Dr. Stone, again we see there's nothing you could possess which I could not take away!" I said, making an accent. 

"Dude!" Drew said, grinning,

"Oh, rad, right?" I asked, tipping my white hat in his direction.

"So rad. But I thought you were gonna be the Johto guy." 

"Turns out swastika armbands are very hard to find." I said, shaking my head. We began walking towards class. 

I stopped as I ran right into Sycamore. "Huh. You ain't starting a boy band or something, are you?" He asked, looking at my white suit.

"No, I'm Giovanni!" I waited as his eyebrow went up, "Raiders of the Lost Ark?" I offered, "Steven, we are passing through history. This is history." I said, using my best accent. 

"I'm gonna calmly walk away right now before I punch you in the face." Sycamore said, pushing past me and Drew

"Maybe I should go as the Joh." I said, looking over at Drew. 

"Don't listen to him, dude. Your costume is awesome. And tonight's gonna be awesome. Raiders, bro! Remastered and projected on the big screen just the way God intended it." Drew jumped up and down and I threw small punches. 

"I know. Pee dribbles out every time I think about it." I said. 

"Yeah. Oh, don't be late, dude. We have to get seats before those temple of doom assholes show up." Drew said. 

"You did a good job, Kenny. Here's today's take. So let's do it again tomorrow. What time do you get off school?" Mrs. Robbins said, handing me an envelope. Before she hugged me. 

"Um, tit o'clo- two o'clock." I said, 

"Great. I'll pick you up at 2:00, and you can help me run some errands. Now you go get some rest." She said, sending me off. 

* * *

 "Oh, come on. I've been your best friend since dial-up. You don't put me to voice mail, dickwad." Drew said as he stared at the phone in his hand as Kenny failed to pick up for the seventh time. 

* * *

"Dude, I'm so sorry. I passed out when I got home. I've- I'm so exhau-" I began to try to say as Drew walked past me.

"Raiders, Kenny!" 

"Dude, I'm sorry, okay? We'll watch it this weekend on DVD." 

"DVD? No, you take your standard def and shove it up your ass. And you know what else? It doesn't matter how expensive your gift is. 'Cause it's for a girl you're never gonna get." Drew said. 

"What the hell, dude?" I asked,

"I'm your best friend, Kenny! Me! Not some fantasy girl who pretends to like you 'cause you help her dumb ass get better grades." He sneered. 

"Dude, seriously! If you want to talk about her like that, maybe I don't want to be your best friend." 

"That's funny 'cause I was thinking you don't deserve a best friend like me." He laughed, turning away. Before he turned back and grabbed the drawing I was still working on. I watched him as he bundled it up and threw it in the trash. 

"Dude!"

"It's over, Kenny." 

* * *

"All right, yes, I was wrong in flaking on Raiders, but he's being an asshole, Gis. I mean, he's the one that told me I needed an expensive gift for May." I said, slamming my phone down on the lunch table. "He's the reason why I got the job and am busting my ass trimming hedges and mowing lawns in the first place."

Giselle frowned, "Why didn't you tell me? I would have paid you to trim my hedges." She said, winking at me. 

"He'd need a riding mower." Drew said, slamming his plate down. 

"Dude, come on, already." I said. 

"I'm not here to talk, Kenny." Drew said, "I'm here to give you this." He said, handing me the other part to the necklace that I wore around my neck. 

"You're giving me back your half of our bros amulet?" I asked, my heart felt like it was breaking.

"I won't be needing it anymore." Drew spat, walking off, I watched as he shoved his full plate into the trash can. 

"Did he just throw away food?" Giselle asked, looking over at me.

"It's way more serious than I thought." I said, putting on the other half of our bros amulet. 

* * *

I walked out of the school and got into Mrs. Robbin's car to watch as Drew walked by, laughing with Stephan Sternn. "Oh, I never thought about that angle before. Oh, hey, Kenny." Drew said, looking over at me when Linda started the car.  Working after school again? That's cool. Me and Stephan are gonna kick it at his place, you know, watch some DVDs and play some first-person shooters, you know." 

"We're gonna snipe some online Johto ass!" Stephan said, 

"Yeah, we are! Whoo!" Drew and Stephan used a new handshake and I felt my heart break.

"Boom! Headshot. You got pwned, bitch." Drew said, watching as we pulled away from the curb. 

"Ooh. Friends of yours?" Mrs. Robbins asked as she looking in her rearview mirror and applied her lipstick.

"Not anymore." 

* * *

"I feel ridiculous." I said, pulling down my shorts where they rode up in the crotch- we're at the Celestic town tennis club. 

"Oh, relax. You look handsome." Mrs. Robbins said as she served. "How funny is it that you and Bill are the same size? Well, except for I heard about your not-so-little secret, Kenny, and it's nothing to be ashamed of." I could feel the blush on my face as she handed me her racquet and went to sit down, taking the martini from my other hand and drank. "On the contrary."

"Mrs. Robbins, um, shouldn't I be working?" I asked looking over at her as she drank.

"Linda." She corrected. 

"Linda-" 

"And you are working. I'm having a Martini, and you're driving me home." She said as she motioned for the busboy to get another one. 

"I don't have a license yet." I stuttered as she palced her hand on my thigh and smiled.

"It's okay to break a few little laws every now and again." She said. 

"Kenny?" I turned to see May- standing in a red outfit.

 _Oh, please, God, not now. "_ Hey." I said, turning away from her.

"I didn't know you played tennis." She said, 

"Yeah. You know, I mean, I don't really." 

"Well, we may knock a few balls around a little later." Mrs. Robbins said, motioning to the busboy again. 

"Uh, this is my boss, Mrs. Robbins." I said, pointing to Mrs. Robbins, she waved at May. 

"Hi. I'm May." May said. 

"And I am jealous of your perky little boobies, May." Mrs. Robbins said- looking not even slightly intoxicated.

"Thanks." May blushed, "Um, I'll talk to you later, Kenny. Nice to meet you." 

"Bye, May" I said, watching as she walked away. 

"Bet you'd do anything to tear that up, huh?" Linda asked, winking at me.

"Yeah." I said, "Like, mow your lawn."

"Wait." Mrs- Linda put down her martini. "She's why you need the money?"

"I'm trying to get her something special for her sweet 16." I said, pulling out a piece of paper to the jewellers, and showed her the pom-pom charm I was hoping on getting May. 

"Oh. Well, how special?- Oh, Kenny. Honey." She placed her hand on my shoulder. "This is so sweet, but that's not the kind of mess you want to make on that girl's chest." She sighed, "Here. Why don't you give her this?" She motioned to the string of sapphires around her neck.

"I could never afford that." I stuttered as I touched the small gems. "I'd be mowing your lawn until I'm 30."

"We'll think of some way for you to work it off." Linda said, "Come on, let's get you home."

* * *

 

"So you guys get together and pretend to be countries?" Drew asked, looking down at Stephan as they walked.

"Yeah, it's called the model U.C., and it's freaking awesome." Stephan said.

"Yeah." Drew said, a little less enthusiastic.

"So, wait, it took me, like, forever to get Mr. Walcott to recognize The Orange Islands, right? But now- Ah, damn! I left my reactor plans in the bathroom. BRB, BFF." Stephan said, turning his 'sexy scooter' around.

"Uh. Lol?" Drew asked, as he walked away.

"So you and Stephan Sternn are BFFs now?" Giselle asked as she shoved him into a locker.

"Look, we're not really putting a label on it, Giselle. He's a great guy." He said- "You know, he's funny, and he's- he's a great guy." Drew frowned as he moved his hand up to his neck, biting his lip when he realized that the BRC amulet was gone.

"Look, I'm sure it feels great to be the skinny friend for a change, but you and Kenny are being assholes." Gis said, stabbing her finger in his chest-

"Isn't your owner gonna get a ticket for letting you off leash?" Drew snapped, grabbing her wrist.

"Face it, fat ass. You need him just as much as he needs you. Let it go, already."

"I am letting it go, JIZZ-elle," Drew sneered, "Me and Kenny are done." Giselle slapped him.

"Idiot."

* * *

"Oh, you're a lifesaver, honey." Mrs. Robbins said as she watched me dive back under.

"I'm still not quite sure how all your cookware ended up at the bottom of the pool, but you're welcome." I said, coming up for breath as I pulled up the last pan.

"Let's get you inside and warm you up." She said, standing. "Why don't you go take a bath Honey?" She pushed me towards her restroom as I shivered.

* * *

"Mrs- Linda?" I called from behind her bathroom door, standing in nothing but my towel. "Where are my- where are my clothes? I gotta get that ride over to May's party." I said as I walked out.

"I put them in the dryer to warm them up." I jumped as I turned to see her laying on her bed. "Besides, you can't go anywhere without her gift." She motioned to her neck- it was then that I noticed that she was wearing only a thin nightgown.

"Just give me a- bathroom." I stuttered as I doubled back into the restroom.

* * *

"I think the whole point is to move around." Drew said, looking at Stephan who was laying on the bed.

"I'm moving my thumbs." Stephan grumbled.

"Oh, Stephan, you're so funny." Drew said as he stared at his vibrating phone- "I think you have the wrong number." He said- answering Kenny's call.

"Drew, I'm alone and naked and scared." Kenny hurriedly whispered into the phone.

"Good." Drew said, about to hang up.

"No, no, Mrs. Robbins just got all weird on me, dude!! I need your help." Kenny begged.

"Oh, now you need my help."

"Okay, look, I know we both said a lot of things we didn't mean the other day, but I need you." Kenny said as Linda's voice ran in the background.

"You'll have to speak up. I'm with Stephan, and it's hard to hear you over all of our inside jokes." Drew spat.

"Drew, please, man. I know we're not on the best of terms right now, but really I need you." Drew looked at the phone as Kenny sounded like he was going to cry.

"Really?"

"Really."

"Well, good! Now you know how it feels to be blown off by a friend." Drew said, hanging up the phone.

"Drew!" Kenny groaned into the phone.

"15-love." Drew cheered as the electronic voice congratulated him.

* * *

"Miss Robbins." I said, walking out of the restroom.

"Linda." She corrected, sitting up.

"I was just thinking that, you know, perhaps May would really like that pom-pom pendant, so-"

"Kenny- after I'm done teaching you, you're gonna be able to give her something much, much better. Come here." She said, I gulped and moved onto the bed next to her, "I can sense you're a little apprehensive. Trust me when I tell you that there's no better way to learn than from an older lover. May I tell you about my first time? I was 18. Jorge was 58. He didn't speak a word of English. And I didn't speak a word of whatever he was." She ran her hand up my bare thigh and I bit my lip.

"-But I was a student of love. And he was the most brilliant teacher I've ever known. When daddy found out what was happening, he fired Jorge. We never saw each other again. To this day, I cannot hear a leaf blower without thinking of all those afternoons under his greasy, sweaty manliness." Linda sighed, "Kenny, I want to be your Whore-ge." I yelped when she grabbed me through the towel.

"What the hell is going on here?" Mr. Robbins asked, walking through the door.

"Mr. Robbins, I can explain-"

"Don't you dare open your mouth- and ruin a perfect moment." He said as he began undressing.

"That's my guy." Linda said,

That was it- I grabbed my towel and ran- "Stop, Kenny! Oh, Kenny, no!- Wait! Trim my hedge!" Linda said, running after me.

I stopped when a van pulled in front of me. "Dude, get in! Get in! What are you doing, man?" Drew yelled.

"Drew, I don't know how I'll ever repay you." I said, hugging him as I slammed the car door behind me.

"Well, you can start by identifying my body after my brother finds out I stole his van." He said, throwing me a pair of clothes.

"Facacta tie." I said, pulling on my pants.

"Ah, I got ya."

"I'm sorry I flaked on raiders." I said, kissing him on the cheek as he drove.

"I'm sorry I called you skinny, double-crossing, freak penis, matzoh-eating, four-eyed, zit-riddled-"

"Okay!" I said, pulling on my shirt. "So you and-- you and Stephan."

"Let's never mention that name ever again." Drew warned as he sped up after the light turned green.

"All right." I said,

"There you go." Drew said, looking over at me as I buttoned my shirt. "All set for May Rochester's stuck-up sweet 16 Which I desperately wish I was invited to."

"Look- shit." I looked over at Drew as he pulled up to the club, "Linda, she She never gave me the necklace. I don't have a gift for May!"

Drew sighed and pulled out a slip of paper. It was May's present!!!

"You pulled it out of the trash?" I asked as I took it from him.

"Pissed off or not this is badass, Come on, let's say it's a truce." Drew said, pulling out a brand new pair of bros amulet.

"We complete each other." I said, hugging him as I put on the necklace.

"In a totally not gay way." Drew grinned.

* * *

"Kenny! I'm so glad you made it." May said, walking over, Paul and Ash tailing her.

"I, uh made you this..." I said, handing the drawing to her.

"Oh, my God! Did you draw this? I love it." May said, "Paul look!!!" I watched as Paul actually grinned, "It's great- nice job." He said, patting me on the back as May hugged me.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler. And it's good to have friends._


	8. Here's To You, Mrs. Robbins 2.0 - Paul

"I hope you have a good weekend." I said as I kissed May goodnight- Norman and Caroline were taking her and Max to the family spa as May's birthday present.

"I will, don't you worry!" She laughed, pulling away so she could close the door.

"What about me?" Max's voice grabbed both of our attention, he stood behind May in his footie pyjamas, the ones with Kirlia on them.

"Come here you!" I said, hugging him goodnight.

"That's not what I meant!!" He whined when I set him down.

"I know, I know." I said, pulling out my wallet- handed him a fifty. "Is that enough to get that telescope you wanted?"

Max nodded, "Thanks so much!!" May laughed as he ran up to his room.

"You're too much- you didn't have to give him fifty, the telescope was only forty-five." She said,

"I know- I'm the one who just bought it for him." I said, "I'll drop it by on Monday, just try not to tell him okay?" I said, laughing as May's eyes widened in disbelief.

"You did not! Christmas isn't for two weeks!"

"I did- and I never said I was getting it for Christmas. Now, I gotta run." I kissed her on the cheek before I closed the door behind me.

I jumped into the car and started it, "Thanks for waiting- I know you have a contest tomorrow and everything." I said, looking over at Ash.

"It's no problem, we don't have to be up at the school until eight anyway." Ash said, "Thanks for dropping me off by the way.. Dawn usually does but-" Ash stopped and bit down on his lip.

I looked over at him as the light turned red. "What's up?"

"She uh, she said we weren't right. She said that we didn't even have chemistry- so she um. Now even then that's not all of it-" Ash sighed.

"You don't have to talk about it." I said.

Ash nodded, "She broke up with me- I'm uh- we're off one band 'mom', that was usually her spot so-" Ash shrugged.

* * *

"So um, what do I do??" I asked as Ash slipped a pair of gloves on my hand,

"All you have to do is take this-" he held up a 'plume', "and stick it in the hat! There's a little slot there and everything." He said, handing me the hat.

I stuck in the plume, "Like that?? That's all?" Ash nodded.

"That's it- but you'll be with like a whole bunch other band moms and you'll have to do that to every kid in the band." Ash said, I nodded, "Clemont!" I watched as the blonde haired boy ran over. "You're also gonna be on loading crew, you help Clemont. Anything he needs you to do, you do. That is your job for today, putting plumes, and getting him on and off the the sideline as fast as you can." Ash said, putting his arm around Clemont who waved up at me.

* * *

Hearthrome Bank Stadium must have been the biggest one I've ever seen. In the distance you could hear bands warming up- the bands playing on the field.

I watched as Ash and Gary took off their jackets and zipped up their uniforms, pulling on gloves, whistles, gauntlets and then finally- their hats in their hands.

* * *

Ash had ordered me off the bus, I stood in the cold and waited with an armful of plumes as the kids got their instruments together and began crowding around me and the mothers.

One by one I put on plumes until everyone- except 'pit' had them. I watched as Gary's mother put on Ash and Gary's signature silver plumes.

"Hey Paul!" I looked over at the trailer and pulled off the gloves and stuffed them in my pocket as Clemont struggled with the soundboard.

"I got it, I got it." I said as I wheeled it down as he carried the cords.

"Thanks- oh man, I'm am sooo not up for all this walking." He whined as we watched Ash and the band leave with the head director.

"At least I brought my running shoes." I said as I moved the soundboard in the direction the pit was going.

Clemont and I hung back as we watched the pit warm up, doing scale after scale after scale. And then we were on the move again, following them to another warm up point.

And then finally, I helped Clemont push the board onto the sideline while the band walked in from the other side. We began plugging in jacks as fast as we could while the band warmed up on the back sideline for the last time before the preformance. "Everything good?" I asked as I looked over at Clemont.

"Yeah- go check the pit though-." I nodded and walked around, making sure everything was okay. I turned around just in time to see Ash and Gary and the third drum major, who's name I couldn't remember, walk towards the front sideline.

I turned back around and made my way back towards Clemont- at least- I was, I looked up the the huge crowd that was waiting, just for us. My heart beat fast in my chest as I stood next to Clemont and watched as Ash climbed onto the podium.

"Now preforming their 2015 show, Into the Flames- from Veilstone City, Sihwonhan High School Marching Band." The announcers voice came through the speaker so loud I flinched.

"They are lead by Drum Majors Ash Ketchum, Garrett Oak and Miette Shane- Drum Major, is your band ready?" I looked up at Ash and watched as he did a cool move and slipped off his hat in salute before he turned back to the band.

Then he looked over at Gary and Miette as they all raised their hands at the same time. "You may begin your submission for the prelims preformance." And that was it, like lightning their hands snapped down in unison and drumline began um- ?? Doing their thing and soon everyone was moving fast- moving so fast in time with Ash's hands.

Then they stopped- the band of course, and the crowd screamed as the first note was played, in perfect unison.

"It's called a impact moment!" Clemont said, nudging me in the shoulder as they moved again, breaking off in points while the ??brass?? played on, only to be cut off by the woodwinds who I swear to every God I know- I could not play to save my liFE-

"Another one??" I asked, looking over at him, he nodded while he flipped a switch and a lone um?? Pic- piccolo!! Piccolo player stood, playing his heart out, before he marched away. The crowd behind us screamed and I was in awe as I tried to watch everything at once.

They were loud, and amazing, and mind blowing. That money went to good use- and then Clemont was snapping his fingers in my face as he hurriedly pulled out the plugs and began wrapping them.

I moved the soundboard while Ash jumped down from the podium.

"That was fucking amazing." I whispered to him as I walked alongside him with the soundboard.

"Thanks- let's hope it's enough to make finals." He said, breathing heavily. It wasn't until I got the soundboard back on the trailer that I noticed he was shaking.

"Hey hey- you okay??" I asked, running over as a band mom handed him a sack lunch.

"Yeah, I'll be okay- just, that was the biggest crowd we've ever preformed in front of." He stuttered, taking a bite of his sandwich.

* * *

I sat next to him in the stands as we watched the last band preform, the speakers came on to announce that they would be announcing the finalists in ten minutes.

I watched as Gary, Ash and Miette went back to the buses and got their plumes. 

Finally after what seemed like years, all the Drum Majors from the   bands walked onto the field, Clemont and I waited as they announced the results from bottom to top. 

"...And with a score of 123.76 points- in third place for 6A marching bands.. Sihwonhan high school!" Around me the band screamed as Ash, Gary and Miette saluted and accepted their prize.  

I ran down the stairs immediately and out of the stadium to the van. Ash and Miette were laughing about something while Gary talked with Ivy.

"You guys did awesome!!" I said, hugging Ash as he took off his hat.

"Thanks but- we still have finals!!" He said, "Finals starts at seven, and we're second to last to play so- that means we better start warming up yeah?"

I turned as I heard laboured breathing to see Clemont, his hands on his knees. "Here-" I said, offering him my water as the rest of the band ran up to their Drum Majors.

"Thanks-" Clemont sighed, sinking down onto the floor as the band began chanting.

* * *

It had been exactly two hours since finals were announced- Clemont had just flipped the last switch, the guy in the press box was saying something.

I held my breath as he said those words and Ash lifted his hands. "Drum Major, is your band ready?" He waited a second for Ash to salute and the stadium fell still. "You may begin your finals performance." I closed my eyes as Ash's hands dropped and the choppy rhythm from the drums began, and I felt my heart skip a beat as the first note boomed throughout the stadium, ten times stronger than it was just this morning.

I opened my eyes as the brass began running, I bit my lip as the woodwinds began playing that really hard sounding part while they marched in circles.

I looked over at Clemont as he flipped the switch and- nothing, but the piccolo player didn't once flinch as Clemont and I hurried to figure out why the speaker wasn't on.

My breathing laboured like after a long game when it finally came on- for his last note. Fuck fuck fuck fuck- there was a cheer once the 'company front' or some shit started and the first movement ended.

"Fuck Ash, I'm so sorry!" I whispered, loud enough for him to hear.

"It happens-" Ash said, moving his hands in a slower motion, a 'ballad' began playing within the brass as they kneeled on the astroturf- and the woodwinds began playing the fast parts again, before it slowed down so much it was like- calm...

My heart stopped as the last chords of movement two played and they all kneeled.

Then they were up again and they moved even faster, I looked up at Ash who looked so calm- how does he do it??

The last impact moment was just- raw, energy- even better than the first impact moment- like they were somehow getting stronger with each step.

Then, they stopped, breathing so heavy you could see the clouds that rose from the space between their faces and their mouthpieces. Ash put his hands down and jumped down as the crowd began cheering.

I couldn't breathe properly as Clemont and I looked at each other in distress, we had failed our one job. I could see the tears forming in his eyes as we walked off the sidelines.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so-" Clemont desperately whispered when we got back to the trailer- I knew he wasn't talking to me, but after I rolled the soundboard up the ramp I grabbed onto him as he sobbed.

"Hey man- everything's gonna be fine- it's all right-" My voice faltered as Miette and Gary walked past us, Clemont still wiping away his tears.

"You really think so??"

I nodded, "I can feel it. That was the best performance you guys had. And that's a lot- coming from someone who chose basketball over a trumpet." I said.

Clemont nodded as Ash threw up in the bushes, I ran over immediately, a cold can of ginger ale in hand. "It's just nerves, just nerves, I'm fine." Ash said, standing up as he took the can. "Thank you though."

* * *

Clemont and I sat in the stands, hands clasped as he ate the large tub of nachos I had bought him. We watched patiently as Miette, Ash and Gary walked onto the field with the other drum majors again.

"In First place for division 6A-" Clemont's hand clasped around mine as we waited, "From Snowpoint City-" Clemont dropped the nachos, and my hand let go of his..

"In second place for division 6A.." I held my breath, hoping, "From Veilstone City-" I felt like I wanted to scream as Clemont wrapped his arms around me and screamed- enough for the both of us. I watched as Gary, Ash and Miette saluted and then did a little dance before accepting their prize.

* * *

The band screamed as Miette held up the trophy- "Congratulations!" I said, hugging Ash as he grinned.

"Thanks!!" He said, then he let me go. "Who are we? Who are we?" He yelled, suddenly the whole band turned to him and yelled.

"SHS! SHS!" I laughed as they continued, chanting.

Then soon, we were all running, running across the parking lot to the buses, more energetic than any group of teens should be at 11'o clock unless it was a party- but it was a party!

* * *

I awoke three hours later to Ash shaking me awake, we were back at the school, we were the last two people on the bus.

"Hey man- you've already done so much but could you take me home?" Ash yawned as we got off the bus.

I shook my head, "yeah man, I'll meet you at the car." Ash nodded and ran towards the band hall, his bags clanking dully as he ran.

I waited for what must have been like- shit, two minutes before Ash was sliding into the seat next to me.

I put the car in reverse and pulled out as Ash put in the aux cord. "You mind?" He asked,

"Go ahead man."

With Hotline Bling on repeat for the third time- Ash was a crying mess as he leaned against my shoulder.

"She fucking left me!!! She fucking left me Paul!!!!" He sobbed, "For some, twenty-three year old greasy bastard who's in a shitty band that will never fucking get noticed!!" He stopped for a second to belt out _"EVER SINCE I LEFT THE CITY YOU-"_

I wrapped my arm around him as he screamed. "And he has a basic ass bitch name god dammit!!! Who the _fuck_ names their bitch ass son _motherfucking Conway_??? At least my name is COOL MY FUCKING NAME IS ASH!!!! MY NAME IS ASH-" He sobbed, _"These days, all I do is wonder if you bendin' over backwards for someone else- Wonder if you're rollin' up a backwoods for someone else. Doing things I taught you, gettin' nasty for someone else- You don't need no one else. You don't need nobody else, NO!!"_

"Yes, your name is Ash and it is just as cool and amazing as you are." I said, rubbing my hand on his back.

Ash laughed, "Obviously NOT!!! Because apparently I will never be as cool as some fucking panty sniffer who lives in his fucking moms basement and spends all his money on acid- so he can write shitty ass songs and jerk off all day!!!" He said, _"cauSE I KNOW WHEN THAT HOTLINE BLING- thAT COULD ONLY MEAN ONE THING!!"_

I pulled up in front of his house as he whispered the last words. "God- that is what he does all day man." I laughed as I listened to him drag this dude. "I swear to fucking god Paul- his dick was like two fucking shades- who the fuck doesn't jerk it with lube goddammnit????" I shrugged. "And god it fucking hangs weird- no it didn't even fucking hang, it sagged, like that's how you _know_." Ash shuddered, "man, I wonder how long she was fuckin him because he looked like he really fuckin knew his damn way around like she was a goddamn map!!!"

"I dunno- but don't worry man, you'll meet someone who will love every second of being with you." I said, hugging him before he got out of the car.

"Thanks by the way- I'll see you Monday yeah?" He asked,

"Monday it is." I said, he nodded and I waited until his room light came on to drive off.

It was four a.m. by the time I came home, I went to Reggie's room to find him asleep, bundled in his blankets.

I went back up to my own room to see my laptop flash as- Ash called me on Skype. "Hey-"

"Can we just- talk??"

"Yeah man, that's what friends are for eh'?" I laughed when he smiled.


	9. The Rebound.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When May becomes single, she asks Kenny to study with her.

"Dude, what are you staring at? Did Stephan Sternn take a crap in the hallway _again_?" I asked as I snapped my fingers in front of Drew's face for like, the fifth time.

"No, dude, I think Paul Weiss really blew it this time." Drew said excitedly.

"Oh." I said, standing on my tip toes so I could see. "Oh, man! I wish I could read lips." I said as I caught a glimpse of May yelling at a very angry looking Paul.

"Dude, reading lips is a myth created by deaf people." Drew scoffed, "What you need to do is read their body language.-Here, allow me to narrate." He said, clearing his throat as we walked closer.

"Okay, Paul is saying, **"May, the only reason I'm such a tool "is 'cause I was raised by a bottle of self-tanning lotion."** Drew mocked Paul's voice, a little too deep for him seeing as his voice cracked. _"Oh, my God! You use your hands so much when you talk."_  Drew scoffed, this time taking a high pitch as May put her hands on her hips. **"Yeah, you know, it's 'cause I'm half Uvoian, half douche bag."** His voice went deep again. _"I'm sick of your Johto-like use of body spray. You smell like a Joth wedding."_

I couldn't but laugh as May leaned forward and grabbed his collar, **"Come on, May, I just want to scratch my nose and dabble in some bro-on-bro, bro."** Paul's hands wrapped around her wrists as he yelled, pulling her hands off of him.

 ** _"I did not cheat on you!"_**   Paul's voice broke through the crowd that was gathering.

"Just save it, okay? I'm done. I don't want to hear it anymore!" May yelled.

"What?" Paul took a step back.

"I'm through! I am not your girlfriend anymore!" May said, the crowd oohed as May grabbed her biology book from Paul's hands.

"Holy crap, dude. I think your dream girl just updated her Facebook status to "single." Drew breathed, putting his hand on my shoulder.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, and I've just updated my status to "erect."_

* * *

"Dude, this is the moment you've been begging God for!" Drew said, jumping up and down.

"Yeah, except until this moment, I didn't believe there was a God, Drew. I mean, what happened?" I asked as Drew slammed my locker closed. 

"I'll tell you what happened. Before school today, little old May went to drop off some cupcakes in Paul's locker. And what did she find inside?" Gis asked, applying a deep red lipstick. 

"Paul's black belt in sucking dick?" I asked, looking over at him as he shoved kids into the lockers as he walked down the hall.

"She found a pair of red panties-panties that did not belong to her." Drew whispered as Paul stalked by. "Oho-ho-ho."

I huffed in disbelief as May walked by, crying. "What? I mean, I just- I don't understand. I mean, who would ever cheat on May Rochester?" I looked over at Drew who shrugged.

"Show me a hot chick, and I'll show you a dude who's sick of getting tuggers from her." He said, not making the gesture I had come to expect.

"Is that why you switch hands every few months?" Giselle asked.

"If you're trying to get me to apologize for my love of masturbation, it ain't gonna happen." He stuck out his tongue. "I'll see you at lunch," He said, ducking into homeroom.

"You know what I love about breakups?" Giselle asked, "The aftermath. The guy's friends tell him what a snobby bitch his girl was-"

Across the room we watched as Bennett put his hand on Paul's shoulder- **"I'm telling you, bro, May is stuck the 'f' up, man. You need to get yourself a nice, subservient girl."** he said while Paul put his head down in his hands. **"Hey, dude, I dated this one chick who would get me off, and then she would wash my boxers for me."** There was laughter as they tried to make their leader feel better.

 **"Hey, what about my sister? I mean, she's not hot, but, dude, she's got these perky a-cups coming in. Just-hey, look, it'd be an honor."** Another one of Paul's croons backed away as Paul moved to punch him.

 _"She's your goddamn sister- shut the fuck up before your head ends up as the new basketball-"_ he threatened. **_"Girls are fucking people man!"_**

"And the chick's BFFs hug her tight and tell her what a total prick her man was." She said,

 _"I mean, sure, Paul is hot, but he treated you like garbage, May."_ Serena rolled her eyes as she patted May on the back- her bubblegum snapping between her teeth.

 **"You can do so much better."** Leaf said, smiling gently.

 _"And talk about "himbo." I heard that he's so stupid that he sometimes forgets to breathe."_ Serena said,

"And then there's the random dudes who come out of the woodwork to take a stab at the sad girl." Gis rolled her eyes, pointing at the line of boys who stood besides the table May and her friends were sitting at. "And here's our first contestant.-Kyle, the unwashed surfer poet."

"You better go take a shot before it's too late, dude!" Drew said.

"Um, I'm not gonna go stand in line with a bunch of vultures. I'm not that-not that pathetic. Thank you very much." I said as I began walking away.

"So where are you going?" Drew yelled after me.

* * *

_"Christ, Bahler, if I wanted somebody to fondle the same jockstrap over and over, I'd put an ad on craigslist. What's your deal?"_ Coach Sycamore asked as I threw them into the washer.

"I'm sorry, coach." I said, putting in the soap. "Uh, just a little distracted by the news about Paul and May."

"Yeah, yeah, I heard that." Sycamore said, "You know what else I heard? _Sa-wish._ Paul taking his frustrations out from three-point land. Boy can't miss. Hope he stays pissed through the game on Friday." He said, laughing. "What's Paul and May got to do with you?"

"Well, I-I know it's stupid, but I can't help but think who May might, you know, be with next." I said, sitting down as he offered a chair.

"It could be anybody, son." He said, pushing his dark hair back from his eyes.

"Really?" I sat up, hopeful.

"Yeah." He scoffed- "Anybody but you Bahler, as your guidance counselor, I feel it's my duty to tell you this- I got a better chance of getting up in Aria Sinclair's guts than you got of getting with that piece of a-double-s." He said.

"I guess you're right." I felt my shoulders slump.

"No, don't get all hangdog on me. Now, I suppose everybody's got a one-in-a-million shot at his dream coming true. You know what my dream is? Turning $2 into $7,000." He said, holding up a betting strip, before he exhaled sharply. "I don't believe it."

"What, you won?" I asked, sitting up.

"No, I lost, just like I lose every day. And that, Bahler, is life. You want dreams, take a nap. There consider yourself "guidanced." He said, wadding the card up before he threw it in the trash.

* * *

"Oh, my God! Is that a lump? It's muscle." Drew said surprised when he poked his stomach- "Hey, little buddy, where'd you come from?"

"Paul is my best friend, but May Rochester is fine." Barry Bennett's voice got closer and Drew and I ducked into the other side, listening in. "So you know I'm gonna take a crack at that."

"Okay, okay. And get rejected like all those fools at lunch?" His friend asked, shaking his head.

"Come on, man." Barry groaned. "You don't go after a girl right after the breakup. You got to give that anger some time to, uh, ripen into vulnerability." He smirked.

"Yeah, it takes a while for those tears to run down her body and into her panties." Laughter filled the locker room, "All I know is whoever's with that girl on Friday night is gonna- bone her one hundred percent-" Barry's friend snickered.

* * *

"Dude, that could be you!" Drew said, huffing as we ran from the locker room when Bennett heard Drew gasp. "Oh, my God. Oh, have you ever run before? It totally sucks."

"Drew, it doesn't matter if it's me or some mountain _dew-che bag_. May Rochester's not gonna say yes, no matter who asks her out." I said.

"Oh, I don't know, man." Drew panted - "Heartbroken girls make some bad decisions. And you, my friend, could be that bad decision."

"Oh, yeah, okay." I rolled my eyes.

"But not if you don't hurry up and nuzzle up to her before one of those jackasses does."

"It's not gonna happen, Drew, okay? I have a better chance of lightning striking my balls than I do of getting anywhere near that beautiful girl." I said, looking over to where May stood. "Well, looks like Joshuah Dobbs just tied a kite to your nuts." Drew said, pointing as May made her way over.

"Hey, Kenny." May said, walking over, I swear angels started singing as she pulled on the hem of her shirt. 

"Hey, May. How are you?" I asked, watching as she blotted her eyes.

"Um, I'm okay. Uh, listen, I was wondering if you have time for an extra study-buddy session this week." She asked, dancing on her heels.

"Sure." I looked over at Drew who was giving me a thumbs up. "Uh, when?"

"I was thinking Friday night." She said.

"W-what about the big game?" I asked. 

"Yeah, cheering for Paul is, um, kind of the last thing I want to be doing. But I don't want to sit home on a Friday night either. So if it's cool, I'd like to hang out- um, me, you, couple textbooks?" She looked back up at me.

"Yeah." I laughed, "Uh, I'll bring the highlighters."

"Thanks." She said, squeezing my arm.

"Yeah." I watched her as she walked away.

"Dude, you are going to study her brains out!" Drew said, jumping up and down next to me.

* * *

"Yo, Drew, lose it or leave it?" I asked, pointing to the poster of Cynthia.

"Dude, that's "lose it." Dude, we got to transform this place into a love palace, all right? Last time you studied with her, it was all business.  
Friday it's got to be all pleasure." He said, "Oh, and lose the frog. It's a mojo killer." He said, pointing at Wolverine.

"Absolutely not." I said. Wolverine is, like, family, I said as I tapped on the glass, Wolverine croaked softly in response as I fed him.

"Okay, I see what angle you're going with." Drew said, "May is the sexy princess, and you're the wart-covered frog she kisses. That's genius, man!"

He layed down on the bed and exhaled, "All right, now, talk me through your plan, all right? How are you gonna go from, _'hey, May, you look super,'_ to _'Yeah, oh, that's it, that's it'_?"

"Drew, I'm-I'm- I'm simply going to make her feel comfortable, and then should, you know, that happen, you know, that's cool too." I said, grabbing my pillow and began hitting him.

"Right, yeah, yeah, that's-that's great. Make her feel comfortable. Or you could try to make her feel _come-fortable_ all right?" Drew pulled out a textbook. "Check this out, all right? To the casual observer, this is just a biology book. But when May opens it, bam!"

"Whoa! Dude when did you unzip?!" I asked as I looked at the gigantic in the textbook- where his-

"All right? The anatomy section's in 3-d, baby- no glasses required, goggles optional."

"Drew, I'm not gonna trick her into touching my penis." I said.

"Technically, you're only tricking her into looking at it." he rolled his eyes.

"Okay, Drew, I'm not tricking her into anything, okay? I want her to like me as I am, frog and all." Wolverine croaked from across the room. 

"Bro, we're on the same page." He said.

"Ah." I said, closing the book on him.

"Oh. You know, that should have hurt, but it kind of just, like, turtled back in. Do it again." Drew laughed.

* * *

I knocked on Sycamore's door, "No, you may not cry in my office." He said when he let me in.

"Actually, I was going to ask if I could have Friday night off from towel-boy duty." I said, sitting down.

"What, they having a midnight sale at the Sinnohian girl store?" He snickered.

"Um, no. Uh, May Rochester asked me to study with her Friday night."

"Well, look at you. Had you pegged as a benchwarmer, Bahler, and you just went and snatched yourself a rebound." he said, slapping me on back as he sat down on the back.

"Um, what's a- what's a rebound?" I looked at him, the confusion evident on my face.

"Like grabbing a girl after some dude's just bounced her off a backboard, you know? Reminds me of Winona Redbird." He said, rubbing his chin, "Mm. She was the May Rochester of my high school only hotter and even more in the backseat- damn. Man Bahler, that dime piece was horny." He closed his eyes and shook his head.

* * *

_"You sure you want to do that? Mmm."_

"And hungry." Sycamore bit his lip. 

_"Thanks for the popsicle." Winona said,_

_"Anything for a pretty lady-"_

_"Aren't you afraid of Brawly?"_

_"Hell, no. Augustine ain't afraid of nobody."_

_"Who the hell bought you that popsicle?" Brawly said-_

_"He did." Winona pointed at Augustine._

_"He fronting huh?"_

"Brawly was a bad motherfucker- the kind of brother whip his mama for making his bed wrong." Sycamore said.

_"Since when is throwing a trash can onto somebody a crime?"_

"We got an anonymous tip that you were selling bootleg movies."

"Oh, lord, I need a kleenex and a new man." Winona cried- 

"There, there. You'll be fine. You want some more popsicle?"

"Mm-hmm."

* * *

"Don't you see, Bahler? With Brawly out of the picture and Winona vulnerable, I was able to grab that rebound and drive to the hole and drive and drive and drive. I mean, sure, it only lasted one weekend, but, fuck, that's the great thing about rebounds.

Get in, you get in some more, and then you get out." He laughed.

"All right, I think I grasped the general concept- Um, but what if I want to be, you know, more than a rebound?" I asked.

"What? Don't be a fool, Bahler. Just be glad you're in the game." Sycamore said.

* * *

"Drive to the hole'? Did he really say that?" Drew laughed, 

"Indeed, he did." Shaking my head as the serving girl came by with our smoothies. 

"Hot fuss! That guy loves his vagina metaphors." 

"You know, maybe he's right. You know, maybe I need to be more aggressive with May."

"Um, that's what I've been saying all along, dude." Drew said, throwing his arms in the air. "Okay, so wait. I hope you don't mind, but I was in English class today, and I was thinking about your Friday night study-buddy date, and I wrote the perfect poem for you to read to her tonight." He said, pulling a piece of paper from his pocket. 

"I'm sorry. You wrote me a poem to read to her?"

"Yeah. Dude, chicks go crazy for rhymes. Why do you think rappers get so much panini?" Drew cleared his throat- _"May, I think you're really neat. And unlike Paul, I'd never cheat. So let's use that pain and get our nut. Please let me stick it in your ample-"_

"Drew!" I yelled, hitting him on the shoulder.

"What? Dude, I-I'm just so excited for you. I mean, of all the rebounds May could've chosen, she picked you to go out with Friday night. Dude, you are gonna cram that _nuclear sub_ of yours into her _pink harbor_. You're gonna crash that **double-decker bus** into her **roundabout**. You are gonna land that **_jumbo blimp_** of yours onto her **_brown astroturf_**."

"Dude!" I hit him on the shoulder. 

"Okay, okay. I'm just saying. There's nothing that can stop you now."

* * *

I finished putting up the last library book when someone grabbed me by my collar, I yelped when I was shoved against the wall. "Ah!"

"Someone set me up, Bahler." Paul said, his hand clasped around my throat. 

"Why haven't you hit me yet?" I asked after a couple seconds when I realized he wanted me to answer him. 

"'Cause you're gonna help me." Paul grunted and pulled his hand away. 

"I'm gonna _help you_?" I asked, my heart stopped- damn it all! 

"Listen, tripod, I didn't cheat on May, all right? But someone wants her to think I did." He said, moving to punch me but pulled back again- he's getting annoyed- oh no.. 

"Who?" 

"I don't know- someone who hates me, someone who wants her for himself and is smart enough to set me up." he said. 

"You just described me." I said. 

Paul laughed, "No. No way. This guy had balls." 

"How do I know you didn't cheat?" I asked, putting my finger in his chest- forcing him to back up- I pressed down a little harder and  _holy shit holy-_ I resisted the urge to touch his chest.  _No wonder he's the dream guy of this damn school-_ _  
_

"Cause if I wanted to- I would have by now, and I'm not stupid enough to get caught either- but I'm not. And anyway, those are mediums-" Paul said, pulling out the pair of panties from his back pocket. 

"I see your horrible point." I gasped when he grabbed my wrist. 

"Great. So tell May I didn't cheat." His hand fell on my shoulder. 

"Why do you need me to do it?" 

"Because I said so. I'm gonna go shoot some hoops before the game tomorrow.- Strangest thing is Since May dumped me I can't miss." Paul laughed, pulling the panties over my face. "Oh look a you- those actually look good, they're almost as red as your pretty hair.. I wonder what they'd look like actually on you.." Paul leaned in real close and I swear I could feel his breath on my neck as his hands hit the wall on either side of me, trapping me.

"I'm fucking joking Tripod- I'm not a fucking fa-" Paul stops, and I know what he was going to say- "Don't disappoint me, Bahler- please. And you know I'm serious- because I never say please."

* * *

I rummaged through Coach Sycamore's desk for a pencil when I found the three pack of panties- red panties. I pulled out the pair I had and the one from the bag and- damn it. "Son of a bitch. Paul was telling the truth."

I jumped when clapping filled the small office. "Bravo, Stone. You got me. Yeah, I set up Paul, just like I set up Brawly back in the day. There were no bootleg movies. But that didn't stop me from dropping a dime and saying there was."

"They let you be a guidance counselor?" I asked in utter disbelief.

"Man, you should be thanking me. Now you get May on the rebound." Sycamore said, sitting down. 

"But Paul didn't cheat."

"Oh, Paul cheated, all right. Paul cheated on basketball. And basketball is a jealous mistress. So am I. Me and basketball get real ornery watching Paul chase around that squeeze box." Sycamore sneered, "Wait, you ain't thinking about telling her?"

"It's the right thing to do." I said. 

"The right thing to do is May Rochester- You don't tell her the truth.  
You grab that rebound, and then you hump the ba-jesus out of it."

"So the only way I get May is to lie to her." 

"Who cares how you get her? You don't turn down a dream night with your dream girl. You ask yourself, you gonna shoot an air ball tonight, or are you gonna get yourself a piece of that sweet swish?"

* * *

I answered the doorbell as it rang. "Hey. You look nice." I told May. "You look very nice."

"Thank you." She smiled,

"May I take milady's bag for her?" I asked. 

"What?"

"Nothing." I laughed, closing the door behind her.

* * *

"All right, here's the big game plan for tonight. Pass the damn ball to Paul. Ready? One, two, three." Sycamore started the count down.

"Pass it to Paul!" The team yelled. 

"All right."

* * *

"The mitochondria are the power plants of the cell. Blah, blah, blah. I'm sorry, Kenny. I'm just really not in the mood to study right now. Do you mind if I vent for a minute?" May asked, slamming down her book in frustration.

"Vent away." I offered. 

"It's just that I never-" She began as my phone began to ring.

"Hold that thought." I answered the phone, it was Drew.

"Did you get my present?" He asked, sounding excited.

"Hi, grandma. Not the best time." I fake laughed into the phone while May watched me.

"Under the pillow." Drew said, I reached under my pillow and pulled out a little baggie of pills while May was turned around.

"Oh, what's that about, grandma?" I asked, shoving the pills back under my pillow.

"It's a roofie, dude.Remember how my brother had that job cleaning up crime scenes?" What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK.

"Uh, I love you too. Okay, be well." I said, hanging up on Drew. "You were saying?"

"Um, yeah, it's just, you know, I never thought that Paul was the cheating type. I guess I was wrong." She said, opening her phone as it ringed. "It's Paul. _'Haven't missed a shot, but missing you. P. S., didn't cheat.'_  Can you believe him? He's such a liar."

"Pants on fire, that guy." 

"Thinks he can just make up for sleeping around with a text message. I can't believe I trusted him. I'm done with guys like that.-you're not the lying type." I held my breath when she put her hand on my thigh.

"May um There's something I should-I should really tell you." I said-

* * *

"Whoa, time, time, time.- Time! Time! Yes! -All right, listen we're all tied up with ten seconds to go. I don't know, how about we pass it to the guy who can't miss? _Paul, you just think of May and shoot your sad, sad heart through that hoop one more time. Okay, buddy_?"

"You got it, coach." Paul said, running back onto the court. 

"Ready?" I looked over at May who had- uh- already run out onto the court.

"Paul!! Paul!"

"May!! Babe!!" Paul dropped the ball and the other team picked it up and made the shot as Paul lifted May in the air. 

"Oh, you got to be kidding me. Oh. Oh!" Sycamore began cursing.

"Kenny told me everything." May said, "I'm so sorry. Will you have me back?"

"You know it, sweetheart." I watched as Paul kissed May before looking back up at me, shaking his head. 

"So you didn't have a chance, huh?" Drew asked, coming to stand next to me.

"Actually, for a moment, I think I did." I said.

"So you blew it, then?"

"Drew, I want her more than anything in the world.. But not the way I was gonna get it tonight."

"Man, they are really going at it. I mean, they do not care that everyone here is watching. You got to wonder at this point if he's just gonna poke her right there on the court." Drew winced as the opposing team jumped up and down while May and Paul kissed, "-Hey, on the bright side, he might be too busy with May to whup your ass for a while."

"I could use a break." I groaned, shaking my head.

"Bahler!" Sycamore screamed.

"Oh, got to go." Drew stuttered before he ran away.

"You sure cornholed me this time. I'm gonna make you pay. You think your sorry-ass life sucks right now? You're gonna need two gallons of penicillin to get rid of the hurt I'm gonna put on you. You understand?" Sycamore whispered furiously in my ear,

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler._

"I want to see you at 4:30 sharp."

_And sometimes the truth hurts._

"I want you on your hands and knees, cleaning this basketball court top to bottom."


	10. The Rebound 2.0 - Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet someone who's been waiting a while to be here. Paul and May have a talk- we learn a teeny bit more about Ash.

May and I sat in my car for a long while- the game had just ended, the stupid pair of red panties between us. 

"I should have known better-" May sighed, covering her eyes. 

"No no, it's okay." I said, "So it was Coach Sycamore?" I looked over at her, wondering whether or not to run back in there and throttle him. 

"Yeah- apparently you were cheating on Basketball." She laughed slightly- "Kenny also told me that Barry was going to go behind your back and try to ask me out." I looked over at her. 

"Now that- that's a problem," I said, "I'll fix that on Monday. He think's he so fucking slick huh?" 

_"Paul-"_

"No May- the thing is, Barry's too fucking persistent- he would have bugged the hell out of you until you said yes." I said, running my thumb along the inside of her palm. 

"And I would have said no over and over until he finally got a clue-" She smiled. "You need to thank him.." She said after a few seconds, she shivered and I turned on the car finally, pulling up the hood. 

"Thank who?" I looked over at her as I turned on the heater. 

"Kenny." She said, "Had it not been for him- we would have won the game, but I would have never known the truth." 

I nodded quietly as I pulled out of the parking space, "I'll do it Monday- let's get you home." 

* * *

"So that's it huh?" I asked, looking over at him as he laid down on the couch, bundled tight in his blankets. "Marching seasons over?" 

"Yeah-" Ash sniffed, "Now I gotta get ready for auditions- and we have a concert coming up too, and you have the cba coming up.." He said, thanking me as I handed him a cup of tea. "I want to take my SAT soon. Jes- sorry, um, Geez-" 

I nodded, "It's no problem, I think I'm good on my own, your notes are pretty thorough." I said, getting up from the couch. "That stupid test will be a breeze, you should worry about your auditions and.... Christmas concert-" I bit my lip as he laughed, "and then your SAT- which I don't understand at all- we're in the same grade Ash." 

"I just uh, I want to get it over with." He said, shaking his head. "And are you sure? I can help you study- now more than ever now that- now that I have time and no one is interrupting us." He sat up against the arm. He looked a little desperate. 

"No, I think I'm good, I gotta get home anyway." I said, looking at my watch, Reggie would be waking up soon- 

"I'll come with you!" I watched him as he slipped on his slippers. 

"No Ash- really you don't-" Ash sat back, 

"I can't be alone-" He said and I saw the tears forming, "I know you have to go but I can't be alone right now, my mom's in Kanto and this house is suffocating now-" He tripped over his tongue and yelped when he accidentally bit down on it. "I haven't been alone in my own house since freshman year- someone has always been here with me- I know I'm sounding needy-  _I know_ but I can't-" 

I put my hands out in front of me as he started to cry, "Okay! Okay! Just-" I stopped,  _Reggie won't know- he might.. fuck._ "Ash- stop crying," and he stopped, rubbing his eyes. 

"I'm sorry I just-" 

"It's fine.." I sat down, "If you're going to stay over- I need you to listen." Ash nodded as he rubbed his nose. "Look, my older brother is, he's been through a lot, I've only told you so much." 

"I know- you told me Reggie had ptsd.." Ash's eyes widened and he looked up at me, "...A veteran?" Ash asked. 

"Yeah-" I nodded.  

"My father- before he um, he was stationed in Johto since the beginning of the war." Ash said, pointing to a picture hanging on the wall behind him. "He came back so different, it's a bit understandable." Ash said, "Don't worry, I know how to act.. Again, I'm sorry for putting you in this position." He said. 

"It's okay.." I said, "Go get a bag."

* * *

I unlocked the door, looking back at Ash who nodded, I exhaled and walked in, taking my shoes off immediately and Ash did the same.

"Paul?" I heard Reggie call.

"Hey Reggie- I have someone with me, please be decent." I said, taking Ash's backpack as we walked though the living room.

"Well then! They're just in time for dinner!" He said, walking out, holding lasagna, for the fifth time this week..

He looked up after placing the pan down. "Hello." Ash said, talking a step forward. "My name is Ash Ketchum, I'm a friend of Paul's." He clasped his hands together in front of him. 

Reggie grinned and looked over at me, his eyebrows pulled tight in a slight confusion. "You broke up with May? I mean- he looks nice and all-" his finger raised.

Ash grinned, "No no, it's not like that, he's still with May, um, Reggie.." Ash smiled. 

And Reggie's smile returned, "Well all right then," he said, walking back into the kitchen, grabbing another paper plate and a plastic fork. 

Ash took a step forward and pulled out a chair, sitting down before he jumped and sat himself closer to the table as Reggie placed the plate down in front of him and began cutting into the lasagna. 

I sat down next to Reggie, and helped him serve. I looked up at Ash and he smiled back, "That smells really good Reggie," Ash said, trying to make Reggie more comfortable- I could tell, his hands were shaking. 

"Thanks!" Reggie said, taking Ash's plate and served him, I watched as Ash placed a hand on Reggie's when he handed him back the plate. "It's Maylene's." Ash's eye's lit up and he smiled. 

I served myself and watched as Ash took a bite, "Maylene has an amazing recipe- I haven't had my mother's in a while but I know it's a rival!" And Reggie sighed. 

"Thank you- but I'm still not sure it's the same as hers." Reggie's smile dropped and before I could reach out, Ash already had. 

"Hoenn or Johto?" Ash asked, looking up at me. I held my breath as Reggie's hand wrapped around Ash's wrist. 

"Johto." Reggie said, and Ash smiled, 

"How long?" Ash asked, 

"Um, two rounds, I came back after I lost this guy-" Reggie scooted back and pulled up his pant leg and laughed, and then Ash laugh, reaching out to touch the prosthetic. "I've been back for about seven years now." 

"That's amazing Reggie, my father was stationed in Ecruteak City for five years before he came back." Ash said "He came back three years ago." 

"That's great Ash! I'd love to meet him," Reggie said, pulling his chair back in. 

Ash's face dropped, "Well, um, I'm not really hungry right now." I said, standing and threw my plate away. "Ash we should get your stuff upstairs yeah? It's the first door on the right." 

Ash nodded quickly, "Thank you for dinner Reggie." He said as I grabbed his plate and threw the obviously empty plate away while Reggie blinked. 

Ash grabbed his bag and hurried up the stairs as I began putting the extra lasagna away. 

"Did I say something wrong?" Reggie asked quietly, pulling another forkful into his mouth.

"No no Reggie, he's just sensitive." I said, setting the tub on the bar. I rubbed my hand through his hair, "Thanks for dinner."

* * *

Upstairs I found Ash pulling on the band jacket he had bought not two weeks ago. 

"I'm sorry." I said, watching as he climbed into bed.

"It's no problem man." He said, pulling the blanket over his head. "I um- " he stopped when I sat down. "I was the one who pushed him." 

"It's not you, it really wasn't." 

"I want to help him." Ash said suddenly,  sitting up.

I sighed and laid down, "Hate to say it man- but I've tried everything." Ash's face scrunched. 

"And I hate to say it but you haven't." 

"Oh really?" I looked up at him, a determined look in his eye. 

"Maylene- he mentioned a Maylene right?"I laughed. 

"Oh don't start with that shit too- she's a figment of my brother's wild imagination." Ash laughed. 

"She isn't- because I know a Maylene." He crossed his arms and stuck his tongue out. 

I stared at him, "You're so full of shit you could pass for a toilet." I got up and pulled down my pants and grabbed a pair of sweatpants. 

"Oh really?" Ash sat back, 

"Yeah."

"Well then, you're gonna go driving with me- and then I'm going to prove you wrong!" He said, wrapping himself back up in the blankets. 

* * *

The next morning I woke on the floor, I popped my back as I stood, looking over at Ash who was in his manifest destiny across my sheets- he'd somehow pushed me off.

I grabbed on of my pillows and hit him. He sat up so quickly- looking around the room in confusion until his eyes focused on me while I grabbed a towel. "What the fuck was that for?"

"You push me off my bed again, and you're sleeping on the floor." I said, pulling back the curtain to the bathroom.

"So you're gonna let me stay??" Ash asked,

"Not if you don't stop hogging."

* * *

"What the hell are we doing here?" I looked over at Ash as I parked, he'd directed me to a tall building. 

"I'm proving you wrong remember?" Ash said, getting out. "Just follow me." He turned and began walking as I locked the car. 

I followed him into the building and waiting while he leaned over the main counter and chatted with the man behind the counter before he was handed a card. "Come on." 

We stood in the crowded elevator, Ash leaned against the wall. "Time to prove you wrong." He whispered as he grabbed my hand and pushed his way to the front when we came to the seventh floor. 

"Wow, a building, nice." I rolled my eyes as he dragged me down a long hallway before he knocked on the last door.

Something shuffled behind the door before it was pulled open and a short woman appeared from the opening. "Hey Ash- what are you doing here?" I looked down at him as he hugged her, 

"I wanted you to meet a friend of mine." He said, pointing at me. "This is Maylene." 

The woman looked up at me, her short pink hair an utter mess- I took a step back when she walked forward and grabbed onto my arm, her other hand reaching up to my face. 

I looked at Ash when she muttered something unintelligible before I was slammed against the wall, my arm forced behind my back.


	11. Over the Rain-blow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misty Waterflower, an attractive Cerulean girl moves next door to the Bahlers, and Kenny finds out that he and this "clunker" have quite a lot in common with each other... except for the fact that she's a fundamentalist Arceist who has been abstaining from sex. In order to spend more time with her, Kenny and Misty join a local chastity club, and both find it's not what it claims to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally meet Misty!!! We will see her for quite some time as she works her way into Kenny's heart.
> 
> Now, I love how there's been this mis-conception that I hate Misty?? Which honestly makes me laugh, Misty is a goddamn badass, I love her to death! Now I'm here to end that, I love Misty. And yes, when I'm not shipping Ash with Paul and Gary like 24/7 - I totally ship him with Misty- unless it's Dawn, other than that- I ship the other pokegirls with others. 
> 
> I have nothing against Misty- stop putting words in my mouth. (Lookin at you anon who felt a need to fill comment on six of my stories on fanfiction, saying I should stop shipping Ash with boys because it's wrong. And then you go as far as to say that I obviously hate her?? What the hell?? Honestly, I ship it so much.') 
> 
> Thank you for your time- Aria.
> 
> p.s. Thou shall not use teeth.

I said goodbye to May just as my father walked in the door.

"Kenny, don't forget to take out the, uh What you looking at?" He asked, watching as I clicked out of the IM with May.

"Nothing." I said- technically it was true.

"You're looking at pictures of that May Rochester girl again, aren't you?" He asked, leaning against the doorway, a cup of coffee in his hands.

"Maybe." I said, turning around in my office chair.

"Still dreaming of her skadoosh?" He grinned.

"Dreaming's all I'll ever do." I sighed.

"Come here." He said, sitting down on the edge of my bed. "Cop a squat with daddy. Kenny, you're a Bahler man. And if there's one thing Bahler men know, it's how to bag chicks." He said, staring off into a corner of my room as he took a sip. "You want to know your problem? You're aiming way up here right out of the gate." His hand moved up, "You know what your grandpa Sam once said to me? He said, 'son, you gotta hump a few clunkers before you can fondle a Ferrari.'"

I blinked, "Uh, dad, as far as my balls are concerned, the wheel hasn't even been invented yet. I wouldn't know the first thing about what to do."

"Well, that's the great thing about clunkers. You can knock 'em up against a few walls, leave cigarette burns in the upholstery, and dump 'em in a ditch." He grinned, "I'm glad we had this talk." He said, patting my knee. "Don't forget to take out the trash." I watched him as he got up to leave.

I looked up when the honking began, right outside a huge moving truck rolled up. I watched as it settled before the side door of the van was thrown open and a pair of long, pale legs jumped down.

I stood in awe as she popped her bubblegum and ruffled her red hair. I moved to close my mini-blinds as she turned her head in my direction, beautiful sea green eyes squinted as I backed away from my window.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, and I think a clunker just pulled into my neighbor's driveway._

* * *

"Oh, that kind of ginger." My mother said as we sat outside the school, I waited for her to unlock the car.

"Yeah." I said, staring at the girl who stood with other girls with crazy coloured hair- she seemed to be the only normal one out of the four.

"Yeah, she's gettable." My mom said,

"Well, you know, dad told me I needed to aim a little lower. He said I needed to hump a clunker before I handle a Ferrari." I looked over at my mother as the goddess looked in my direction.

"Well, your father has some nerve." My mother scoffed, slamming her hand down on the steering wheel.

"What do you mean?" my mother looked at me and rolled he eyes.

"Sweetie, daddy was my clunker." She sighed, "The first time we rubbed nasties, I was really thinking about rubbing nasties with Jeremy Jessup."

"Please don't say 'rubbing nasties." I begged as I tried to get out of the car.

"He was the star of the football team." My mother groaned, "He was the star of every team." She whispered, revving the engine. "He was built like a horse."

"All right." I said- hearing more than enough to give me nightmares.

"Like a bavarian warmblood." She revved the engine louder this time.

"I need to get to class." I said.

"All that power at his disposal, all that stamina!"

"Mom!" I yelled, the engine stopped while she blushed.

"Sorry. All I'm saying is just be careful. Sometimes you wind up liking the clunker and end up driving it around for good." She said, "For the rest of your life- Oh, well, chop-chop. Have a good day!" She said, I scrambled out of the car.

* * *

"Oh! Oh, that kind of ginger." Drew said, staring at the mystery girl- the goddess that moved in just next door- "Yeah. She's gettable." He said, shrugging.

"You know who else is gettable, Kenny? Me, right now. I even carved your initials into my hair." Giselle said, leaning forward.

I looked up at her, "Where?"

"You're looking a little far north." She whispered. I dry heaved.

"Ugh! Hey, maybe you could put in a good word with the new girl. I mean, after all, don't they worship miltank in Kanto?" Drew laughed.

"Hey, that reminds me." Giselle said, "Your mom is dead and everybody hates you."

I looked over to see the Ginger Queen walking over. I gulped. "Um, hi." I said,

"Hi." She smiled, be still my beating balls she is perfect.

"Uh, I'm Kenny. Uh, I'm your new next-door neighbour." I said, offering my hand.

"Yeah, you're the boy who's been staring at me from the bushes in his yard." She said, shaking my hand, her grip strong. "Oh, it's quite all right. I'd stare at me, too. I stick out like a fish out of water around here. Although I'd prefer to be eating that to whatever this is." She said, pointing to her lunch.

"Yes, I bring my lunch on Thursdays." I said.

"Noted." She said, "I'm Misty, by the way." She said, her voice taking on an odd accent. "Misty Waterflower. Nice to meet you officially."

"Would you like to eat with my friends and I?" I asked, pointing at Giselle and Drew who were five seconds from killing each other.

"I think I would, actually. This school is just it's a bit intimidating." Misty said, looking around.

"I know, I know." I laughed, "It's, uh kind of think of it like a minefield, you know? It's like in every corner there's a different clique, waiting to blow you to pieces." I said.

"Oh?" Misty sounded surprised.

"There's, uh, the goths." I said, pointing in the direction where Columbine Rudy was stapling something into his hand. "The theater geeks.-The nerds. And, of course the Jocks." I said, pointing over at the table where Paul sat with his arm wrapped around May.

"Who's the brunette? She's rather stunning, isn't she?" Misty asked, popping her bubblegum.

"oh, uh, May?" I looked over at her.

"Mm-hmm."

"She's okay." I shrugged. I looked back over at Giselle and Drew who were fighting. "Uh, guys? I would like to introduce you to Misty."

"Mm." Giselle said, giving My Ginger Queen a once over.

"Hola. Mi nombre es Drew." Drew said, pointing to himself.

"Misty. Lovely to meet you." She said sitting down next to me.

"Looks like somebody sat you in coach on accident, but, um, we got room at our table if you want to upgrade!" We turned to see Barry standing there, "To first class." He grinned and winked at her. 

"Oh, well, actually, I'm fine right here, thanks." Misty said, pursing her lips, 

"Actually, I'm fine right here, thanks." Barry mimicked her voice and laughed.

"Oh, see, you think I'm from Johto, but really, I'm from Kanto." Misty said, her eyebrows raising. 

"So you gonna ditch the dorks or what?" Barry asked,

"Or what? Well, I know it's only my first day, but, frankly, they seem a lot cooler than you." She said, standing- she was almost as tall as Barry.  _Be still my-_

"Whatever." Barry said, backing away as my new Queen clenched her fists, her cheeks turning red. 

"Whatever." Misty spat back- taking a step forward.  _My beating balls._

"Have fun being with losers, witch." 

"Close, but that's the wrong ginger. And thanks, I will!" Misty said, sitting back down before she smiled at the rest of us. 

"I need to go pee-" I stuttered as I got up, pulling my binder over the immense boner I was getting. 

* * *

Drew laughed after we dropped Misty off at her next class after lunch. "Dude, you got across-the-street panini! It's like somebody just handed you your very own vagina-dispensing atm!"

"Or my very own clunker." I said. 

"What?" He asked, confused.

"My my dad, he told me that, you know, before I drive a Ferrari, he wants me to hump a clunker." 

"Your dad wants you to bang a car?"

"No, no, no, no, no, he wants me to like, uh ho! Oh! Okay." I said, holding my cheek as Drew slapped me and pointed in the direction where May and  _Misty_ were standing. 

"Are you ready to jazz yourself?" Drew said, pulling out his camera. 

"Where do you come up with these things?" I asked, sighing as the camera started whirring.

* * *

"I just really wanted to apologize for what happened earlier at lunch. You know how boys can be." May said, putting her hand on Misty's shoulder. 

"That's very sweet of you, but I'm fine. It didn't bother me in the least." Misty smiled back at May. 

"Well, let me say something that they should have.- Welcome." 

"Thank you." Misty smiled.

* * *

"Oh okay, chill, chill, chill, chill. They're gonna think we're, like, perverts." I said, putting the camera down. 

"Want me to email you the clip after school?" Drew asked, closing the camera.

"Yes, please." I said. 

* * *

 _All right, be cool._ _Just a clunker._ I said to myself as I walked up to Misty who was sitting in the library, flipping through the pages of a chemistry book. "Chemistry, huh? Bet your favorite element is indium." I asked, almost slipping as I leaned against the wall. 

"Sorry? Sorry? Oh, right." Misty said, "Can you keep a secret?" She asked, pulling out a comic book from the middle of the chemistry book.

I gaped. "Is that an issue of Excalibur?"

"It's not just any issue of Excalibur." Misty scoffed, "It's the ultra-rare 'return of Sir Lancelot,' written by Teeram Adonzi, drawn by Kristoph Linn! I camped out before the midnight release at Shaftesbury comics." 

"Camped out? You're an Excalibur fan?" I asked, sitting down next to her.  

"I'm not just a fan. Kenny, I dressed up as Princess Morgana for the last six halloweens." 

"Shut up." I said, 

"You seem so surprised." she said, eyeing me. 

"Um, only because I'm the biggest Excalibur geek ever!" I said, pulling out my binder which had all my drawings.

"Oh, really?" Misty asked, "Well, I had the Excalibur anthem as my ringtone ever since I got my first mobile phone. Kinda my biggest hero." She said, waving her phone. "Oh, wow. Kenny, that is fantastic." Misty bit her lip as she began flipping through the pages of my sketch book. 

"Yeah? Thank you." I bit my lip as she stopped on a picture of May- in her Vamp Side Story dress. 

"You're really good!!" I blushed harder. 

"I've never shown that to anyone before, especially a girl." 

Misty laughed, her cheeks turning red in the process. I couldn't help but stare at her. "Well, it's great. And, besides, I'm not like most girls. I'd rather have an Xbox than a jewelry box." I nodded. 

"Well, maybe I could take you up on that, maybe go up against you one day." 

* * *

"Listen, Poison Ivy! I don't care who you are, or where you're from," Giselle said as she cornered Misty "or how much you smell like sea salt and coconuts-, but Kenny Bahler is spoken for!" 

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize." Misty said, taking a step back. 

"Well, now you do. I planted my flag in that boy in kindergarten, and the only place he is planting his flag is right here! So step!" Giselle stopped when Misty's hand came up to fix her hair. "Wait a minute." She said, looking at Misty's hand which had a pretty silver ring wrapped around it. "Is that one of those purity rings?"

"Yeah! Yeah, it is." Misty smiled, as Giselle smiled back at her and nodded. 

* * *

"What the hell, Giselle? I'm in the middle of a test." I looked up as she slammed her hand down on my desk. 

"Perfect. Then maybe you can answer me this question: Guess who's little neighbor is a huge prude?" Everyone turned and looked at us as Giselle grinned wide.  

* * *

"Well, it's official. I'm God's urinal cake. A beautiful girl comes halfway around the world, moves in next door, isn't repulsed by me, and boom! She joins the purity club." I said as I leaned against Drew's shoulder. "I mean, sorry, Kenny, no snizzle for you!"

"Dude, are you kidding? This is the best thing that's ever happened to you." Drew said, shaking me by my shoulders. 

"How so?"

"Sweet, innocent Kenny, must I be your teacher in all things? Everyone knows that purity girls are the hugest sluts in school!!" He said. 

"Well, not everyone, teacher, since I have no freakin' idea what you're talking about." I said, hitting him on the shoulder. 

"Lend me you ear, friend, and let us get wood together." Drew's hands came together like he was in prayer. "You ever heard of a rainbow party?" He asked.  

"No." 

"Well, the purity kids invented them. They're also called "everything butt" parties, because it's everything butt sex. You know, like "butt sex"? Like "butt" with two ts." 

"I get it." 

"See, that's how they stay technically pure, by saving the baby hole for the lord." 

"So what goes down at these parties?"  

"Girls, Kenny. Girls do. Apparently, there's a punch bowl filled with lipsticks, all the lors of the rainbow. The goal is for each girl to leave her color on as many guys as possible. When they're done Each girl's left her mark. And by keeping the front door nailed shut, they've done it all with God's approval." He said, grinning. 

"You are so full of it, Drew." I sighed. 

"I may be, Kenny. I may be. But it's on my list of life goals to confirm these things for myself.  
It's right up there with killing a zombie and getting a tugger in space." He said, making a gesture. 

* * *

"Hey, Misty. How you doing?" I asked, falling into step next to her as I walked her to class.

"Well. Thanks, Kenny." She smiled, hugging her binder to her chest. 

"Cool, cool. That's uh that's a that's a really nice ring. Has a- has a very, like, a slimming effect." I said, looking at the ring that Giselle had said would be there. 

"Right, well It seems I've joined the Sihwonhan purity club, and I hope you don't think that means I'm uptight or something." She said, shaking her head. 

"No, no, I don't no, I don't think anything." I said, watching as she fumbled with her locker. 

"I just believe that there are things that you should cherish, you know? There are other ways to have fun. Many other ways." I nodded, it was a very true statement. 

"Many other ways." I whispered, my hands shaking as she laughed, her eyes scrunching up in that cute way. 

"Purity, it's It's really hard to explain, but it's about opening yourself up to new things and new ideas, at least that's what it was in Cerulean. Our meetings would've blown you away, Kenny." Misty put her hand on my shoulder. 

"Totally." 

"They were just- they were just so amazing, like so full of laughter and closeness and _spunk_ -"

"so much spunk." I repeated.

"I can only suppose they'll be just cool as here." She grinned and I nodded. "Yeah. I guess I'll see tomorrow at the initiation. Wish you could come with me." She said, 

"I would love to come with you!" I said- 

"That way you could really see us in action." Her eyes went wide as she bit her lip. 

"Yeah!"

"Unfortunately, they're limited to purity club members only. Mm." I nodded, 

* * *

Upbeat gospel music played in the background as I sat down in a chair.

"So, Kenny, why do you want to join the purity club?" Stacy Ewell asked, I looked up at her and grinned.

* * *

"I'm proud of you, dude!" Drew yelled, jumping up and down as I took a piss. "Weaseling your way into the purity club? Pure genius." 

"I'm surprised you never tried it." I said, looking over at him as I zipped. 

"Oh, I did, but those vadge-joths saw right through me." Drew said- a haunted look on his face. 

* * *

_"I'd have to say my favorite part of the bible is the book of Job."_

_"It's 'Jobe" Stacy said, grinding her teeth slightly._

_" Thou shall not use teeth."_

* * *

"I just talked about God, marriage, and Kirk Cameron. They ate it up." I said, shrugging. 

"Just like they're gonna eat up that beautiful lipstick magnet. Which reminds me, did you trim down there?" Drew asked.

"Jesus Drew- Obviously." I said. 

"Attaboy." He said, slapping me on my shoulder. "Can't risk a tangle. Now, I wanted to wire you up with a web cam, but I didn't have any time. So I was wondering if you wouldn't mind taking a few snapshots for your boy Drew." He said, handing me a camera. "And I'm not asking you to go in there paparazzi-style or anything. Just a few choice pictures of the three bs: Boobs, bjs, butts." He said. 

"Dude, seriously, come on." I said, stepping back as I pulled on a sweater. "How do I look?"

"Like a guy who's about to unhinge a few jaws." He smirked. 

"Yeah, dude, my dad was right. Just, I gotta forget about May Rochester. I gotta hump a clunker and toss her in a ditch." I said. 

Drew laughed, "Not just one clunker, Kenny. You're about to hump a whole showroom floor full of them."

* * *

"I have to say, I was kind of surprised when you joined, Kenny. I mean, this whole purity thing's not for everyone. I wish it was though." Misty said, laughing as we walked along the sidewalk. 

"Well, I mean, I've been pure my whole life. I guess I just never knew it was something to celebrate." I said, lying straight through my teeth, Misty smiled up at me. 

"Oh, trust me, it is. But I have to warn you, these parties can just be a little bit awkward at first, with everyone sort of feeling each other out." I nodded. "But, hey, you were kind enough to lead me around school my first day, so I'd really like to return the favor. You just stick with me inside. I'll take good care of you." She said, grabbing my hand as we walked up to the door. 

"Oh, great, you're here!" Stacy said after answering the door.

 _"1 Thessalonians 4, 7-8._ _For God did not call us to be impure, "but to live a holy life._ _Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man, but God._ _Amen."_ Stacy a closed her bible as we all said amen after her. 

"Damn it, Drew." I muttered, 

"Sorry?" Misty looked over, "I know it's boring, Kenny, but don't worry- the fun part's coming!" 

"-Which brings us to donation time. Now, remember, it's your contributions that keep this club going and pay for these super fun parties. Thank you. Super." I watched her as she walked around with a bowl, people dropped in money- and girls pulled out lipstick.  _JEsus Christ-_

I looked over at Misty as she pulled out a bright blue color- a confused look on her face. "It's time to formally welcome our new members to the club." Stacy said, pulling out a red color. 

"Oh, lord this isn't how we did it in Cerulean." Misty said as she looked over at me as the girls got down and kneeled next to the boys to their right. 

I gulped as Stacy kneeled in front of me and looked up at Misty- who stood looking so hurt. I gasped as Stacy unbuttoned my jeans quicker than I expected- "Noah's ark, that's a lot of wood! It's one of God's miracles."

Misty's words replayed in my head.  _"They were just- they were just so amazing, like so full of laughter and closeness and _spunk_ - You just stick with me inside. I'll take good care of you." _

_Blowjob or Misty. BLowjob or Misty-_

"Do you mind if I say grace first?" Stacy asked and I shook my head as Misty ran out the front door. I pulled up my jeans as I ran after her.

_**Misty.** _

"Misty! Misty, wait!"

"What do you want?" She yelled turning back at me, throwing the tube of lipstick at me as I zipped myself up. 

"You said that you said the fun was- You left!" I stuttered.

"Of course I left, Kenny!"

"You said the fun was just starting!"

"I meant confessions and games and listening to music! I meant making new friends, not reading bible verses and getting my arse violated! What the hell's the matter with you people?" She hit me. _Jesus-_

"Misty! Misty! Misty! I'm not into that stuff." I said, 

"Then why did you join?" Misty stopped and her face dropped, "Because you did it to be near me. Because you thought I was one of those lipstick floozies." She began laughing. 

"You're not mad?" I asked quietly as she only laughed harder.

"I mean, I suppose I should be a bit insulted, but it is rather sweet, isn't it? I mean, it's daft, yes, but it's sweet also. A boy going though that much trouble to be near a girl he's already neighbors with. But not as sweet as that same boy choosing to walk me home instead of to getting his balls drained by a half a dozen slags." She grinned and I could feel the blush in my cheeks. 

"Yeah. I mean, who needs that?" Misty laughed quietly as she kissed me suddenly. 

"Well then- walk me home." She said, taking my hand and I nodded. 

**_My name is Kenny J. Bahler, and I think I might like the clunker._ **


	12. Over the Rain-blow 2.0 - Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is short- sorry.

_"You left me!"_ She hisses as she pushes my arm against my back.  _"You left me in Johto! Did you even care enough to look for me?"_

"Uncle-" I wheeze and she only pushes down harder. 

"Maylene-" Ash is tugging at her shirt, only to be pushed back. 

 _"Reginald fucking Weiss answer me!"_ I can feel my shoulder about to pop. 

"I'm not Reggie." I say, _well I'll be damned_ , "I'm his younger brother!" and to my relief, she stops and she pulls away. Ash's eyebrow raises as he grins, his head tilted to the side. 

"You're Paul?" She asks, "Where's your brother???" She steps back, laughing nervously. I can't help but notice how she shifts more towards her right leg- obviously on a prosthesis. 

"He's at home." I say, looking at her as she nods. 

"Take me to him, I'm gonna beat the shit out of him." She says, pushing her hair away from her face with.. a bionic. 

* * *

I wince as the door slams against the wall, Reggie is sitting at the table eating when he looks up. The plastic fork drops and he can't seem to get his leg on fast enough as Maylene breaks into a run. 

Ash winces behind me as I close the door and I look up to see my brother terrified- Maylene's fist tangled in his shirt. 

"Wait!" I move to grab her hand, but she slaps him anyway. 

"I missed you so much!" Reggie says, not missing a beat. 

"You left me!" Ash pulls me away as she slams him down to the floor. 

"Maylene you don't understand-" He flinched, "I was deported before I even knew what was going on. I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye to Beaner!" 

Maylene sighed, "Beaner was a fucking idiot. He could make beans like a champ.." She helped him up. "You would have been waiting in camp for six months either way- lost this baby in the prisoners camp." She pulled up her sleeve and Reggie touched her bionic in awe. 

"Nice." She shook her head and laughed. "What have you been doing this whole time?" 

Reggie blushed a bit and looked away, "Just been here. I haven't really left the house for much more than doctor's appointments and therapy." 

Ash tugged on my sleeve, "We should let them catch up.." I nodded and followed him up the stairs. I sat down on the bed, still in shock. "Told you she was real." 

"How did you even meet her?" I asked, "That's the most I've heard him say in a while." 

"I used to volunteer at an old folks home, she was looking after her father, I got punched- it was love at first sight." He laughed. I nodded as laughter echoed through the house- Reggie's laughter.

"Thank you-" I said, flopping back down on the bed.  

"It's no problem." 

* * *

**Today - Sunday.**

I awoke to Ash jumping down on the bed, his hair wet. "Get up lazy ass." He said, grinning as he pulled on a jacket. 

I sat up and looked at the clock, "It's only six a.m. what are you doing up so early? Go back to sleep." I laid back down.

"No can do," Ash turned on the lights and grabbed my blanket and pulled. "We're going for a morning run! It's Christmas break and we have to get you in shape for Lacrosse season." 

I sighed, "Lacrosse season doesn't start until two weeks after the break ends." 

"So?" Ash pulled on his running shoes, "I do this all the time. Believe me, you'll thank me for it." 

* * *

"Come on!" Ash said, "I've passed you up three times!" He jogged in place next to me.

"I'm tired." I said, shaking my head as I stopped. 

"No come on- don't stop running you'll lose your beat." Ash said, "And here I thought you were the star of the team." 

"Yeah- that's all bullshit. I just practice hard." Ash laughed, 

"Yeah, and while all your friends are sleeping in and stuffing their faces with snocaps, you're going to be getting faster- and stronger. Now come on- gimme thirty more minutes and we'll go home." 

I groaned as he ran ahead and I moved to catch up with him. "How often do you do this?" I asked, "It's winter, my lungs-" 

"It gets better- push through man. I promise, it's not for nothing." 

Finally, we stopped and Ash handed me a bottle of water as we began walking home, Ash still jogging as I unlocked the front door. 

It was eight, and Reggie and Maylene were  _apparently_ passed out on the couch as Ash and I headed upstairs again. 

* * *

"So like- how long have you and Paul been dating?" Ash asked, sitting up, watching as I rubbed May's feet. "Who asked who?" 

May turned her head, "Well.. in January it'll be two years?" She wiggled her toes as I pressed down. "And well... We started hanging out one day after running into each other at the library- I was doing some research and I wasn't watching where I was going so I ended up tripping over him." 

Ash laughed as he leaned his head against my shoulder and May switched feet. "Yeah- I didn't even see her either, I saw the books tumbling down towards my face and I knew I was a goner- I ended up with a big black eye." 

"Yeah yeah I remember that- and then I spent like, the next day teaching you how to use make up so no one would ask you what happened." May nodded, shaking her feet as a way to tell me to stop. "But then he ended up sweating it off anyway so like- I spent forty dollars trying to find the right shade only for him to go to basketball practice and have it all wash off." 

 _"Hey guys-"_ I looked up to see Reggie standing there, fully dressed with Maylene standing next to him. "Maylene said she wanted to show me around her favorite places. We'll be back." He turned red as they waved. 

"Keep him safe Maylene." I said, 

"I will." She laughed as Reggie put his head down as they walked out the door. 

"Woah- when did that happen?" May asked, sitting up. 

"Ash has connections." I said, 

"I run a drug cartel." Ash nods as May laughs. "Paul's my top buyer." Ash stretched out and wiggled his toes. "Come on boy- get to work!" I pushed his foot away as I stretched out. 

"I'll give you one if you give me one." I waved my foot in his face, joking obviously. 

"Thanks fucker-" Ash rolled his eyes and sat up so I had room to stretch my legs. 

"So-" I looked up at May, "How are you planning on spending Christmas break?" 

May shrugged, "I've been trying to convince my parents to take us to Hearthome for New Years, and keeping Max as busy as possible- he's so set on buying that telescope but I can't just tell him you already bought it for him." May sighed, "Speaking of- I have to go pick him up his friend's house." 

I nodded and watched as she pulled on her shoes, "Thank's by the way, I've had that knot for like three weeks." May said, twisting her ankle in small circles. "That feels so much better." 

"No problem." I said as I leaned up to kiss her goodbye as she grabbed her keys. "See you later!" 

"What about my kiss?" Ash finger-gunned her, wagging his eyebrows, "Oh wait- nevermind, now I've got your bae all to myself!" He laughed as she- responded with fingers too. 

"Bye babe-" She laughed as she walked out of the door. 

"Bye." I said which was followed by a very enthusiastic 'bye!' from Ash. I looked over at him, "Dude- step or I'm taking you home." Ash rolled his eyes. 

"I was joking," his lips pressed into a tight line. "May's pretty and all but she's not my type." Ash shifted again.

"Oh yeah- you're only into pianos." I said, looking over at him. "I bet you've fucked like, three." 

"And trumpets!" Ash said, perking up. "Can't forget about the trumpets, and it wasn't three- that was once- and I was with Daw-" Ash stops. 

"I'm sorry- I was just joking I," Ash nods dully. "I'm sorry." 

"No no, it's okay. Really." Ash says, his voice sounding a bit fake. "She's just on the path to destruction you know, her boyfriend's a druggie and Dawn hasn't done anything harder than cigs but who knows now. I miss her, I don't want her to get hurt." I nodded as Ash stood up. 

"Well, since Maylene and Reggie are gone, you want to go get some ice cream?" I asked, looking over at him as he began sniffling. 

"Yeah-" 

* * *

"Get whatever you want, it's on me." I said, looking over at Ash who stared at the tubs through the glass, wides eyed. 

"I'll take that one- and that one- and that!" I watched as Ash reached for the small bowl they gave him, and I handed the man my card as Ash sat down. 

I sat down across from him and grabbed a spoon and took a bite as he offered. "Thank you." He said as he pulled the spoon into his mouth, "We're gonna have to run extra laps for this." He laughed, "Especially me." 

* * *

I spent the rest of the break with May and getting to know Maylene, Ash actually knew how to cook too so that was an upside. 

 


	13. Tell and Kiss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After two weeks with Misty, Kenny becomes self-conscious about the fact that they haven't taken their relationship to the next level, especially after some teasing from his parents and Drew. When a bus driver overhears him and Drew talking about her lack of friskiness, he insists that he should make up a rumor about them going a little further, and he spends the rest of their relationship trying to make sure that rumor comes true. Drew also makes up a rumor about him and Serena Mitchell, which immediately puts him at the top of her death list.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N Hello again, I would like to take the chance to say- again, I'm working on this story more than the others because I have lost my way in what I want to happen, I don't know how exactly to start back up but I'm hoping this helps. I would also like to thank QueenSpeller67 and MangoLimePie and Caird56 and the countless others for reviewing and being so supportive.
> 
> I'd also like to take the chance to thank that one guest reviewer, this is for you, for all of you.
> 
> I hope to continue my other stories soon.
> 
> REAL QUICK IT GETS A LITTLE GAY ALSO A BIT OF FORESHADOWING EEYYY

"Mm. Mm-mm! So, uh-" My father cleared his throat as he stopped eating, "Kenny, um, has our little neighbor shown you her strawberry gates yet?" I looked up as my mother hit him in the shoulder.

"Rick!" She warned.

"What?" He looked over at her as she grabbed the salad.

My mother scoffed, "what he means is, how are things going with Misty?"

"Yeah, Kenny," Drew snorted, "how's three weeks of finally getting a girlfriend and still not getting any treating you?" Drew looked up, waving his fork in the air.

"Shut up, Drew." I said quickly.

"Hey, seriously, if I were you guys, I'd think about covering the furniture before Mt. Blue Balls finally erupts." Drew said, forking some salad onto his plate.

"Drew-"

"Hey, hey. What's the difference between Kenny's dick and Giovanni Schwartz?"

"Muh-" My father shook his head, trying to figure it out.

"At least that dick had a stroke!" Drew said, laughing as the table erupted in laughter.

"Oh, that is awful." My mother said, placing a hand on her chest as she laughed.

"But is- is Drew right, bud?" My father sat up, "I mean, is that squirrel making you dance for your nut-"

"I really like Misty, you know? And if she wants to wait to do that stuff, then it's okay with me." I said, sitting up as I dropped my fork.

"No, you really like May Rochester." My father said, "But if you can't hit this Misty girl doggy style, how are you ever gonna be able to get with May?" My mother hit my father on the shoulder again. I rolled my eyes and looked at Drew who held his hands up in the air.

"You have to not be scared to go for it, right?" My mother nodded, raising her fork in agreement. "You have to initiate. Like if you're sitting next to her, okay? Take her hand gently in yours. Place it in your lap." I watched him as he grabbed my mother's hand and dropped it towards her lap while he made a whistling sound, "Like so."

"Oh, there's something in my hand." My mother said, staring straight ahead.

"Oh, yeah, she'll catch on real quick. It's like playing your wii." The table started shaking, "Okay, easy, we're not trying to start a fire-" I feel sick.

"Oh, sorry." My mother said.

"Yeah. Easy." My father nodded as I dropped my fork again, and got up from the table.

"Drew, come on."

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler. And I'm never playing wii again._

* * *

"You'd think that with all of the skull fragments and blood spatters that it would kill the sexual tension." I said, Misty laughed besides me.

"There's just something about Coumarine, I guess. Maybe it's the heat." She said,

"Well, then perhaps we should ditch the clothes." I said, sticking my tongue out as I looked over at her. Misty scrunched her nose and looked away.

I looked down at her hands as her fingers fluttered- they reminded me of birds. I made a small whistle noise as I grabbed her wrist gently and placed it on my lap. Misty's lips went tight and she looked over at me and smiled, and leaned over- her face inches from mine- when her elbows ground itself into my crotch.

I groaned as she sat up, "It's getting kinda late, Kenny." Misty whispered as she kissed me, "I think I have to leave." I nodded in response as I held myself, watching as she walked out of the front room.

"I love you!" I said,

"Love you too."

* * *

"Kenny," the voice softly called, familiar- but not enough for him to recognize who''s. "Kenny~" it was rough, but still sounded like heaven.

I sat up in bed, looking around for the voice. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye- there stood Paul Weiss, his hands in the pockets of his letterman. It was then I noticed that his letterman was all- wait, I saw a flash of red as he shifted, the panties! I realize. Damn, Paul can make anything look good- fuck fuck fuck-

"What the fu- Paul?? How did you find out where I live? How did you get in here-" Paul walked over and pressed his finger to my lips. _What the fuck what the fuck what the-_  "I haven't had the courage to tell you how I felt Kenny-" Paul looked away, a his cheeks turning red.

I felt my heart speed up, "What?" I''m so fucking confused. "Tell me what??"

"I was afraid- afraid I wasn''t good enough." Paul sat down next to me and I pulled my blanket up to my neck, realizing how bare I was- I must have kicked them off in my sleep.

"What?" My voice was small as Paul scooted closer-

Paul bit his lip, looking deep in thought. "I didn''t think I was good enough to tell you I li-love you Kenny."

_What the fuck- this can't be happening. What- I'm in love with May- but dating the most popular guy in the tenth grade would boost my popularity by a landslide- he is hot to- what the fuck? I'm not gay!_

_"I''m not gay_." I say, moving away, and Paul looks a little hurt as he reaches for my hand.

"No please- wait- let me have this one thing.." Paul leaned in, his eyes closing and I couldn''t breathe- his lips centimeters from mine-

And then we were touching, Paul''s lips moving against mine with a passion that I couldn't help but-

I awoke screaming and wet- too soon my father rushed in, a silver baseball bat in hand.

"Child! Are you okay?" He asked, his robe hanging open.

"Yeah dad, I had the most terrible dream ever." I said, shivering at the memory of Paul Weiss kissing me.

* * *

"Your dad's right, man. You gotta be more aggressive. You gotta take it out and just-bam." Drew shuffled in his seat on the bus, dropping his arm on the top of the seat. "Yeah. You see that, baby that's right. That's my d-piece. Deal with it." Drew grinned.

"Dude, I don't understand what everyone's problem is. I don't mind that we're not doing filthy things to each other. Misty's awesome." Drew nodded as I looked over at him, "And I don't wanna do anything that's gonna mess that up. Right now, I am cool with just enjoying each other's company."

I winced when the bus driver slammed down hard on the brakes, jolting me forward so I hit my head on the seat. "hey! What the-"

 _"Are you a little girl?"_ The bus driver asked, turning around in his seat.

"Excuse me?" I looked over at Drew as he held his nose.

 _"Are you a little girl?"_ he asked, every word sharp, rising in tone.

"No." I said, looking at him when he snapped his fingers.

_"Good. 'cause this is the high school bus. This bus is for big boys and big girls only."_

"Okay-"

 _"And let me give you a little piece of man to pussy advice. When you say things like 'enjoy each other's company,' that makes dudes wanna punch you in the face. I don't wanna ever hear that kind of talk on my bus again, you got it?"_ I nodded quickly as he put the bus in park, _"And let me tell you something else- I wouldn't go bragging about how you're not getting **any** , either. If I were you I'd start **lying my scrawny little ass off."**_

"Well congratulations, Kenny. You just got advice from the bus driver. I believe that's a new low." Drew said, holding onto the seat as the bus driver pulled back onto the street.

* * *

**_Stacey is just a few pushes away from being a teenage mother. "Harder, harder!" says the nurse. Ironically, those were the very same words that got Stacey in this mess nine short months ago._ **

**_Stacey sure looked sexy that night. But now- well She just had a bowel movement in front of everybody With her last big push. Congratulations, Stacey. Too bad you can't keep the baby And give those stretch marks up for adoption. Teenage pregnancy- Blood, poop, and ruined bodies._ **

I shifted in my seat as Mrs. Lofaro turned off the video, "Oh, dude, what the hell?" Drew groaned as the baby on screen stopped crying.

"All righty. In the minutes remaining, I will pull a few slips from the anonymous question bin." Mrs. Lofaro said, stepping to the front of the room, "Um **_'is it weird that all I want to do is give my boyfriend bj's? Like, 24-7.'_** ha, all right. Weird. Well, I wouldn't call it weird. Actually, it's pretty common. Okay, next question."

She pulled out a green slip and opened it, "Next. **_'is it normal'_** mm. **_'for a boy to want to wait?_** '' Mrs. Lofaro folded the paper back in half. "Well on the record, I'm supposed to tell you that it's totally normal for a boy to want to wait, But we're buds." She sat back on her desk, her legs hanging as Drew pointed right towards me, making half the class snicker. "Off the record? If boys your age want to wait, they really should see a doctor because they either have a serious hormone imbalance or they have a secret craving for the warm flesh of another fella."

Drew looked at me and scooted away, and I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.

"Which is totally okay." I wanted to kill Drew as half the class started laughing.

* * *

"And I was like, 'hey, just call me the milkman, baby,' cause I'm delivering cream every day." Barry Bennett laughed, a crowd of boys standing around him.

Drew laughed next to me, "cream!" He moved to high five Barry- but Barry pushed him away, sneering.

"What, you trying to get me to touch your titty? Put your hand down." Drew backed off, obviously hurt by the remark. Barry stopped laughing as I pulled Drew away. I shuddered as his hand came down on my shoulder. "So- I heard a rumor going around, numb-nuts here's got himself a second girlfriend, huh? Hey, you know, besides green pants over here."

"Yeah, yeah. That, uh, that redhead girl, right?" Barry's friend asked, I proudly nodded, "Yeah, there's no way he's hitting that."

"No, no. There's no way." Barry began laughing, "There's no way you're getting your hands anywhere near her cauldron."

"Wrong redhead, douche-face." I said, stepping up to him- not thinking.

"See, see, look." Barry's friend tapped him on the shoulder as Barry rolled his shoulders back. "You touched a nerve, man. He's definitely getting denied."

The wise words of the bus driver played over and over in my head when Barry grinned and backed off. "Yeah, well, actually, as a matter of fact, I got a tugger from her last night." I said, watching as Drew's eyes went wide and he made a motion against his neck.

"Wow. Well, look at that, huh? Baller got his nuts all drained." Barry sucked his teeth and grinned, "Nice job- didn't think you had it in ya."

* * *

Drew rubbed my back as I threw up, "Kick me again!" I said, looking up at him.

"Relax, bro. You said it, they left you alone. You did the right thing." Drew said, handing me a paper towel as I stood and flushed the toilet.

"Drew, I lied! That makes me no better than those future date rapists! I don't wanna be the type of guy who spreads rumors. Especially about Misty." I sighed as the urge to barf again came back.

"Dude, I spread, like, four rumors a day." Drew sighed and pulled me out of the bathroom, "None of them ever get back to the person who-" Drew was cut off as Serena Mitchell grabbed him by his collar and shoved him against the door.

"Have you been telling people that I let you motorboat my boobs?" Serena sneered as everyone in the hallway stopped.

"Serena, I swear to god," Drew shook his head, "I never-"

"Courtyard after school, be there or be a bitch." Serena let him go and backed away.

"Wait, wait." Drew chuckled, lifting his hands in the air in surrender, "You wanna fight me?"

"No. I wanna **beat** you till you beg for _death_. I'm sick of you spreading lies about me, Drew. So I'm gonna spread your face across the concrete." Serena stomps off- cheerleader skirt fluttering after her.

Drew groans as he fixes his shirt, eyes wide in wonder. "Dude did you hear that?"

"Drew-" I try to tell him that this isn't a good thing-

"She knows my name!" He grins, holding his collar with one hand as he leans back against the door.

"You see what I mean, dude? The rumor always gets back to the person who started it. Now Misty's gonna find out, and it's all gonna be over, I'm a dead man." The whine in my voice makes him look over and shake his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa." He shakes his hands, "What if you didn't lie?" He asks, grabbing my shoulder.

"But I did!" I'm a dead man- Misty's gonna hate me- she's gonna leave me and I deserve it!

"As of now, yes. But what if you can make the lie true before she hears it? Then you're only guilty of kissing and telling, tops." Drew said, slapping me on my cheek, and the light bulb pops, and I look at him and he nods.

"Dude, that is genius! Make the lie true." I ponder over the idea while Drew nods.

* * *

"Kenny!" I freeze when I hear Misty's voice and I turn to see her, running up to me, her hair up in it's usual ponytail, "Hey." My hand is grasped around the door- Coach Sycamore's office.

"Hey." I stood still- hoping she wasn't about to kick my ass- _please tell me she didn't hear it already._

"You don't have gym now." She said, shifting from side to side.

"No, I was going to talk to the coach about, uh, something in his area of expertise." I said, nodding towards the door.

"Oh, something ball related, no doubt." Misty laughed, and I took a second to remember the way her eyes shine in the fluorescent lights as I nod.

"Yup."

"I heard a disturbing rumor." Misty said, shaking her head as she crossed her arms.

I felt my heart stop as I looked up at her, "Did you?"

"Apparently, Drew is going to fight Serena Mitchell after school today." She cracked a grin,

"Oh, yeah! Oh yeah, that one is spreading like wildfire." I laughed, thankful she hadn't heard anything yet.

"I mean, people seem really excited about it." Her brows pulled together and she shifted again.

"Well, you know, you'd be surprised how many people hate Drew.." I said, rolling my eyes as I went down a mental list of all the names.

"It's amazing really." Misty laughed, in the distance the head coach called her name.

"Oh, I gotta go!" She leaned down and kissed my forehead before running off.

"Okay, I'll see you later!" I yelled after her, shaking my head as I opened the door to Coach Sycamore's office.

* * *

I stepped in and Coach looked over, closing his gradebook and adjusted the papers on his desk. "What? Bahler, what are you doing here? Our appointments are on tuesdays." He leaned back in his chair, his pencil between his fingers.

I took a breath and sat down across from him, "Coach, um what's the quickest way to get a tug job?"

Coach sat up in his chair, the hinges creaking as he leaned over his desk. "I've hid a body before, Kenny. _And I'll do it again."_

I sat back, "No, no, coach. Not, not from you! Not from you!"

"Oh. Well, then." He sat up, nodding, "All right."

"Um I've tried, I've tried everything. I did the cute little jokes-" Sycamore nodded motioning for me to continue. "Um, I put her- I put her hand on my-" his hand rolled again, "And I did the, um, You know, the whistle move. You know, the-" I whistled and he sat back, his eyes scrunched.

"Is the girl slow or something?" He sat up, sighing as he shook his head.

"No."

"Then stop making noises like your johnson's in a Saturday morning cartoon. You only got one hope, man. Pheromones." He stood and slapped me in the face.

"What-what?"

"Pheromones." He explained.

"Well, I'm sorry. What's a pheromone?"

"It's the smell we give off that triggers a man's attraction." He explained, adjusting in his seat. "Now, I ain't talking about your little boy musk, either." He scoffed and pointed at me.

"I'm talking about the swamp rot of a real man's taint. Think of it as, uh, nature's scented body spray." He laughed, "All right? You want a tug job? Next time you see this girl, you make sure you smell like a cave man's ass. And pray two million years of evolution kicks in."

I nodded, "Now get the fuck outta here-" I left, heading for the locker room.

Augustine Sycamore sat back at his desk, "What a dumbass- Arceus help that boy." He shook his head and turned back to his work.

* * *

"Hey, Serena." Drew ran his hand through his hair as he leaned against her locker.

"What the hell do you want, dead man walking?" She sneered, and Drew smiled, lost in her blue eyes.

"Dead man walking." He laughed, "So, um, hey, I was thinking. You know, this whole thing's been blown way out of proportion." He nodded, watching as she crossed her arms.

"Oh really?"

"Let's be honest, you don't really wanna fight me."

"Wrong." She smiled and adjusted her backpack.

"Uh, well, I mean, don't you think it'd be a little embarrassing? I mean, look at me and look at you. I'm, like, a guy." He stated, "I'm not going to hit a girl, I'm a feminist-Ah!" He gasped as Serena pushed him against the locker, her hand clasped around his neck.

She laughed, high and breathy in his ear. "You're nothing but a big bitch, Drew. Not only am I gonna beat your ass, but I'm gonna tell the whole school that you begged for mercy like a little bitch." She let go of him and walked away.

* * *

In the locker room across the school Kenny stood in front of the bin filled with the old jockstraps. "This is for us-" he whispered before he got in.

* * *

"Thanks for agreeing to train me." Drew sighed as he barred the door with a desk, Giselle crossed her arms, "Something tells me that Serena's gonna be fighting dirty. And well, you are the dirtiest girl I've ever met in every conceivable way, so-" he cut off, his breathing heavy as she sat back against the desk.

"Aw, Drew, that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me!" She grinned, standing back up and slipped off her shoes.

"Ah, stop it." Drew laughed, "Okay, so, like, what are some of my, uh, like, defense options?"

"Well, the bad news is you've got chicken thighs so protect your balls." She made a knee motion,

"Right."

"You've also got a lot of other wide open acreage." She pulled up her sleeves, fixing him in a stance.

"Okay."

"Things to look out for- nails." She shook her wrists so her bracelet fell down her arms and she flexed her fingers, her long acrylics glinting in the florescent lights.

"Oh, you'd think she'd stoop to scratching?"

"Not scratching, Drew! Digging."

"Digging? Oh!" Drew gasped in pain as Giselle dug her nails in his arm.

"Focus, Drew. There's a way out of this. If you yank your arm back as hard as you can, you'll break her nails. Do it now!" She waited as Drew's eyes watered and he yanked.

Drew grunted as he did it a second time, dragging her forward. "oh, I did it! I did-" Giselle hit him with her bag. "Don't get cocky, she's got a bag full of makeup and loose change, and she'll use it."

"You gotta warn me before you do that! Oh!" He fell to the floor when she grabbed the stapler and knocked him upside the head with it.

"You gotta stay frosty, bitch!"

"What the hell? She's not gonna be using a stapler- Oh!"

"You wanna land as many ovary shots as you can. And if you're lucky, she'll be on her period." She stopped, offering him a hand as she digged into her purse.

"-okay, enough." Drew said, wheezing as he stood.

"But the last but not least, you gotta be ready for the nuclear options." She pulled out her pepper spray and aimed for him, one small pump.

"Ah!" Drew screamed and fell back to the floor, openly cryin.

"And that concludes today's lesson." Giselle dropped to her knees and opened her bottle of water, pouring it over Drew's eyes as he sputtered.

* * *

I walked down the hallway, heads turning in my direction. Paul shook his head as he passed me, I saw Misty talking with Leaf against her locker.

"Good afternoon, milady." I said, stepping up to her as Leaf held her nose and left.

Misty's face changed, "my god. Kenny, do you smell something rancid?"

"Rancid or irresistible?" I asked, biting my lip.

"You have a weird hair on your lip." She gingerly reached out and took it off, "It's short, and red, and curly."

I laughed, "I was thinking a little miami crime-fighting?" I tried to change the subject as Misty leaned forward before taking a step back.

"Oh, my god, Kenny, it's you! You smell awful." She held her nose,

"You don't like it?" I ran my hands through my hair, my curls tugged on my fingers.

"Like it? No. Why on earth would I like it?" Her expression changed as she looked down at me.

"Well, give it a minute. You know, let nature take its course." I leaned up to kiss her and she took a step back.

"What's the matter with you lately, Kenny? First the weird jokes, then the whistling noises, and now these disgusting smells?" I dropped back onto my heels, dread pooling in my stomach- this is it- this is where we end. "I don't think I can hang out with you tonight. You know, perhaps we should spend a little while apart while you sort yourself out." I watched her as she walked away.

* * *

"She looked at me like I'm crazy. I mean, I'm an idiot, miles Drew. She's the only girl who likes me in 15 years, And I find a way to screw it up." I cried as I stripped down and turned on the water.

"Dude, are you kidding me? I got maced in the eyes training to fight a girl, asshole!" Drew sat on the bench with Gis. "Stop whining about your stupid girl troubles."

"Well, well." Gis sighed and handed me a bottle of shampoo, "You shouldn't spread rumors Drew."

"Stay the hell away from me." He snapped.

"I heard your so-called girlfriend finally struck white gold." She said, watching me as I lathered my hair,

"Okay, that's a rumor. And the fact that you heard that means I'm a dead man." I said, rolling my eyes as she handed me a towel.

"What the hell you talkin' about?" She asked, her eyes wandering as I began washing.

"I told a couple of guys that Misty gave me a handy, and now the whole school knows." I sighed,

"So she didn't strike white gold?" Her eyes wide, her fists clenched I stepped under the water to rinse off.

"She hasn't even started drilling. I've tried everything. I mean, the tricks, the innuendos, the jokes." I finished and rinsed off and waited as she handed me a towel.

"Have you tried asking her?"

"Asking her what?" I dried off and Drew handed me an extra pair of clothes.

"I swear, boys are so stupid. Listen, not that I like the idea of you and ginger spice getting it on, but girls aren't into cutesy crap and tricks. They like it when a guy's direct." She said, moving to smack my ass as I bent to pull on my underwear.

"Exactly, dude! Bam! That's my d-piece, baby. Deal with it." Drew said, stepping between me and Giselle.

"No. I mean, talk to her. You idiot!" Giselle sighed and sat down.

* * *

"Hey. I need to talk to you." I grabbed her outside of her last class,

"What now, Kenny?" She sighed, her pretty red lashes fluttering.

"Hey, hey, way to go, Kenny." Barry said, slapping me on the shoulder as he walked away,

"Uh, somewhere a little bit more private?" I pushed her gently towards the boiler room.

"What?" She whined, adjusting her backpack again.

"Okay, so I'm gonna start by saying that I like you. I really like you, okay?" She nodded, crossing her arms and I stepped closer to her, grabbing her hands gently as I looked up at her. "And these past few weeks have been- wow. They've been amazing. But I promise to be straightforward with you from here on in." I sighed when she pulled her hands away.

"And I respect your pace and your timeline. And I respect your body, I really do." Misty smiled, blushing in the low light.

"And you know what, I'm the first- I'm the first to admit that I don't really know-" I stuttered when she leaned forward, "I don't really know when to, you know, like, initiate things. I'm just- I'm not the best with that type of thing. And I want you to feel comfortable, but I want you to know that I wanna do things to you, And I want-" Misty nodded, leaning down.

"Kenny- shut up-" I gasped as she pushed me against the wall, her hands on my hips.

* * *

"Good day, ladies and gents! The world is alive, is it not? There's a sort of merriment in the air." I said, running towards Drew and Gis, feeling lighter than air.

"That's the sound of half the school waiting to see Drew get his ass kicked." Gis laughed.

"She'll back out." Drew said quickly, looking more nervous than I've ever seen him.

"Drew, Drew-" I put my hands on his shoulder, "I've had an epiphany."

"Holy fuck, you busted your nut, didn't you?" Giselle gasped,

"Indeed I did, Gis! And when all that tension was released, I came to a conclusion. The world is a beautiful place." I sighed, watching as Serena Mitchell put her long hair into a ponytail.

"Great, two tugs on his wang, And he's-" Drew scoffed,

"Hey, bitch baby! It's go time." Serena grinned and Drew winced, "Ready to have your lying mouth shut for good?" She stepped up and Giselle and I stepped back.

"Look, Serena, I'd really rather not hit a girl." I watched as he put his hands up and Serena swung, her fist coming in contact with Drew's face. "Oh! Except for right now, bitch!" He slapped her, she stumbled back, "you know, it didn't have to be this way, Serena." He gasped as she attacked him, pushing him back onto the pavement and her fist came in contact with his face. Giselle and I winced in unison.

Drew's hand came up and he clawed at her face, but she grabbed his wrists and pinned them down.

"You brought this on yourself Drew- come on! That all you got?" She stood when he spit up blood, "Next time, I'll kill you!" She kicked him in his crotch before stomping away, fixing her ponytail.

"Dude, should I get the nurse or something?" I asked, kneeling next to him and offered my hand.

"Dude I totally felt her boob." Drew wheezed, starry-eyed as I helped him up.

"Dude, I saw that. That was awesome." I patted him on the back as he teetered.

"Kenny!" I turned to see Misty stomp over, Giselle looking utterly terrified behind her.

"Oh, Misty, don't worry. He's gonna be all right." I motioned to Drew.

"Did you tell the whole school I gave you a hand job?" Her fists clenched and so did my throat.

"I mean, not, like, the whole-" I cut off as her fist met my chin and I fell backwards, taking Drew with me.

"Never talk to me again, Kenny!" She sneered, adjusting her backpack as she walked away.

Drew groaned next to me as Giselle sat down next to us.

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler and sometimes you win the battle but lose the war._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please R&R and tell me how I did.


	14. Tell and Kiss 2.0 - Paul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ash takes Misty on a date and an encounter with an old friend forces Paul to begin to deal with what's happened.

**People asked for more Gis, here's some! I'm still trying to get my life figured out and I'm almost done with Kenny's new chapter!**

* * *

I fell out bed, holding my ears as Ash jumped on the bed, a loud obnoxious noise coming from the metal in his hands. "Dude what the hell?!" Ash plopped down and crossed his legs, "What was that for?"

"I need your help Paul." He said, throwing the keys to my car at me. "It's extremely important and must be done in the next hour or so." He nodded to himself and lifted the instrument to his face- licked his lips and began playing.

"What's so important?" I got up and headed for the restroom, closing the curtain behind me as he shifted.

"I've been shot-" He said, playing a few more notes, "through the heart." I leaned back to look at him.

"What?"

Ash grinned and set down his instrument, his cheeks flooding with red. "I met a girl earlier before Christmas break.."

"A girl?" I pushed the curtain back. "Do I get to know the name?"

"A girl!" He sighed, putting his hands over his eyes. "Her name is Misty- and I swear Paul, she's so pretty and she's got opinions-" he fell back on the bed.

"Opinions?" I laughed, "isn't she dating Bahler?"

He stood up, instrument back in hand, "That's the great thing! She beat the shit out of him! They're totally done- and I want you-" he pointed at me as he raised the instrument back to his mouth and played a long note. "To take me there!"

"Take you where? To her house?" I moved to pull on my pants.

"Yes! Please- I need you to let me sit on your shoulders while I play for her!" His eyes got big and his other fist curled as he jumped and fell back again. "So- what do you say?! Will you help me?"

* * *

I kneeled and waited as Ash scrambled on, hooking the heel of his foot into my underarm before swinging the other leg over my shoulder. I could feel him shift as I stood up, his hand in my head to steady himself. "Fuck you're heavy." I joked.

"I've seen you bench two hundred and fifty- you can handle it." He huffed, "Okay Paul- Don't move your head okay? I just need you to stand here and look pretty- and please do not move your head back or else you will crush my dick and I will break your neck." I laughed and waited as he wound up his arm to throw a reed case at the window.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kenny open his window, his eyes on Ash- then on me. I wrapped my hands around Ash's calves to keep him steady as Misty came up to the window to see what was going on.

She rolled her eyes as she opened it, "What are you doing here? What's going on?" She yelled down as she leaned against the window.

Ash just smiled and didn't say a thing for a few seconds before he lifted the instrument to his face and took a deep breath before he began playing. I could hear Kenny's window slam shut and his blinds fall into place as Ash picked up the tempo.

When Ash finally stopped and lowered the instrument, Misty had left and returned, pulling up her hair in a ponytail. "What the hell was that for Ketchum?"

Ash sighed, "How about you come down from your room and come with me to get some ice cream?"

Misty rolled her eyes, "Like a date?"

Ash nodded, his fingers gripping on my hair as I shifted on my legs. "Yeah! Like a date- if you want to."

"I'm lactose intolerant." She said, "I'm not one for dates either."

"Well- tell me where you want to go- I have a personal chauffeur today!" He motioned down to me- pressing his heel into my rib when I started to protest.

Misty leaned against her hand, "Oh really?"

"Yes really!" I finally sighed, shifting to my other heel.

"A smoothie place just opened downtown!" Ash offered, and Misty nodded.

"Smoothies sound good! I'll be down in five minutes!" She closed her window and pulled back the curtains as Ash hooted.

I kneeled to put him back down, not expecting the hug that he attacked me with. "Thank you so much Paul- also! I need another favor."

I looked at him and sighed, "Yes?"

"I need your credit card." He pulled away and headed for the car, I followed after and watched him put away the instrument in it's case.

"I'm sorry?" He sighed and hung his head.

"I'm broke- and I know you have money..." He closed the case. "Pleeeaaaassssseeeee?" I sighed as the front door slammed.

"Fine. Fine alright- but you owe me- and for driving you two around too!" I handed him my card as Misty walked up, going through her wallet.

"Ready?" I asked, looking over as I unlocked the car and went around to the driver's side. Both of them nodded and Ash held the door open for her as I started the car.

I watched them get comfortable in the backseat, in the rearview I could see Kenny open his window again. "So where to again?" I asked, looking back at Ash as I revved the engine.

"The uh- new smoothie place downtown uh-" Ash's lips went into a thin line, one hand went up. "Uhh..."

"The Dot." Misty answered, laughing as she rolled her eyes at Ash.

* * *

I watched them from the coffee bar across the street, two huge cups full of some wet, sloshy drink. Ash's was a faint blue and Misty's was bright red like her hair. I looked up to see a very disgruntled looking Giselle Lazar as she slammed down a notepad. "So uh- you going to order something or sit there?"

"Uh.." I watched as she rolled her eyes and sighed, popping her gum between her teeth. "I'm not much of a coffee person."

"I know- we have tea, or maybe some pastries." Her pen clicked and clicked and clicked as she stared at me. "If you're going to be chauffeur for today you might as well treat yourself while you're at it."

"I'm fine, I don't need anything." I looked away from the window and towards the glass counter. "How could you tell?" Giselle sat down and sighed, her pen between her index fingers.

She popped her gum as she shifted, "One, I work here- I saw you drop them off and park right up front. Two, either you're looking at him like I look at Kenny- or you feel a little left out." I sat up and crossed my arms, Giselle laughed. "Paul- I've known you since we were kids. You're so easy to read and so obviously not gay." She grabbed a napkin and spit her gum out and pulled out a pack from her apron. "We all know since your brother got drafted that you can't help but latch onto anyone who shows signs of wanting a friendship." Her lips went into a frowned and she crossed her arms.

"You're going to get cavities." I say, watching as she takes two out of the pack before putting it back into her apron. "And anyway, I'm not little anymore. He's just a friend, this was all sprung on so fast."

"What about May?" She asked, "I thought she loved anything tall, cold and purple." She smirked and shook her head.

"Ha ha, don't talk about May like that. She's too-"

"Yeah I know, she's 'too sweet for that'" Giselle spat, "I'm just saying, that as your _girlfriend_ she might have wanted to been invited- then you wouldn't be here looking like a sad fucking loser!"

I sighed and looked at her as she stood, "Giselle don't do this." I lowered my voice as she raised hers.

"We were friends! All of us! What happened to you?! You just.. disappeared on me! I needed you!" Her eyes watered as she shoved her notepad in her apron. "It's been years-"

"Giselle-"

"It's fine, I'm just friends with two idiots who don't appreciate me- belittle me, but you know what-" she sat back down, hand wrapped around her pen. "But oh- you can just leave out of the blue because you're Paul Weiss!"

"My parents died a week after Reggie came home!" I said finally, my chest aching as hers heaved. "It's been seven years since they died, I was nine." She nodded quietly. "I had so much water in my lungs that I could have died- Reggie didn't even help me."

"Why didn't you say something?" She asked and I shook my head, watching as she wiped her eyes. "You could have said something..."

"Reggie had an episode in the van, Mom turned back-" I shook my head, "Cleared the railing of the bridge, dead on impact- dad drowned trying to get the doors open. I guess they did some special shit with Reggie- held his breath for a full ten minutes just to get out."

"Wickery bridge.." She whispered, looking up. "That was you?"

I jumped when a hand knocked against the glass, I looked up to see Ash waving at me from the other side, Misty's hand clasped with his. "I need to go." I grabbed my jacket and moved to get up and Giselle stood and moved to hug me.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered, popping her gum.

I only nodded, "The thing about that is- I heard it so much- fake smiles and hugs and an older brother who was so high he didn't even know who I was. Sorry is a dead word."

* * *

"What was that about?" Ash asked as I started the car, buckling his seatbelt and locking it as Misty got in, a half-full styrofoam cup of melted whatever-she-got.

"Where to?" I asked, looking back at him, Ash frowned.

"Discovery Green, I wanted to show her the park here- she's never been to Sinnoh." I nodded, listening to her laugh as I pulled out and onto the road. The air around me sounded like water.

* * *

Ash laid down, his hair wet from his shower. "Thank you for today." He curled up in the blankets, his phone already buzzing with Misty's texts.

"No problem." I said. And I wanted to believe it- but it was. I listened as he laughed to himself, listened as Maylene slammed the door behind her. "She seems good for you."


	15. Nerds Gone Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N : So, I have returned? School has started again, and while I promised I would write during the summer- I still had some stuff to get over and I'm still trying to get out of my funk... Hope this is good enough? I love you all. ~ Aria

"SO, I'm a little pissed-" I said, looking over at Drew- up rather. "So I went to the doctors and they said there's no more space between my knee caps-"

"And that means? English man.." Drew closed his locker and leaned against it.

"I'm done growing. I'll be at this height for the rest of my life." I sighed, Drew's brow raised.

"Seriously? Dude how tall are you?"

"Technically... four foot eleven and a quarter- my doctor rounded it up to five feet."

Drew laughed, "Hey man- don't look so sad- you grew where it counts! All those extra inches taken off your height went straight to your-"

"Drew! C'mon man that doesn't make me feel any better!" I whined, slumping against my locker.

Drew and I hurried to first period as the bell rang, "Johto's that way Donphan!" Barry Bennett laughed as he walked by, his arm around Serena Mitchell's shoulder.

"What? No witty comeback?" Drew snorted, I looked over at him.

"Why?" I asked, watching as they disappeared down the hallway.

"He was talking about you, wasn't he? Big wang equals Donphan trunk. That sort of thing. That's how I read it." He said, putting his hand in front of his nose, making a trunk with his hand. I just, shook my head.

"It wouldn't be worth it- I'd get the crap beaten outta me anyway."

Drew nodded, "Anyway, I mean, I also sort of read it as, like, a dig on your general fluffiness." He reached over and tugged on my shirt- I blushed and pushed him away.

"Dude stop! You know how I feel on that-" I pulled my shirt down and he nodded.

"Hey whatever helps you sleep at night, bro. All I know is I am happy that this hellhole of a week is almost over. Oh, TGI-Thursday, bro." He closed his fist close to his chest.

"Why? Our weekends are just like our weekdays. Except lonelier. We have no cool friends, no license, no fake I.D.." I trailed off as I sat down- the thought of yet another boring weekend was already mentally draining.

"Hey! Patterson's having a party this weekend. We can try and crash!" Drew said, turning towards me.

"Oh, that's a good idea. Let's go hang out with the same assholes that beat us up all week."

"Well In that case, Kenny, it looks like another weekend of fingering that sweet, sweaty box." His hands came up and his thumbs moved.

"Xbox!" we said in unison.

"Are there even Donphan in Johto?" He asked, looking over as Mrs. Lofaro ran into class, bags in hand.

"There are, actually." I nodded as she started her lesson.

* * *

"Boys uh, listen," We turned back as my dad wheeled a suitcase into the living room. "Your mommy and I are ducking out of town for a Unovian couples weekend tomorrow morning, and we've arranged for a sitter for you." He smiled, his hands clasped together as my mother walked into the room.

"Uh, wh-"

"That is bullshit!" Drew yelled, leaning over the back of the couch.

"I am 15!" I said, looking over at my mother.

"Honey, we know you're a responsible young man. We would just feel more comfortable knowing you were being looked after." She explained, leaning against the couch.

"Well, if you insist on finding a babysitter for sport here, I mean, I'd like to throw my hat in the ring. Granted, I have zero experience, but I am the best bargain you have." Drew said, smiling as he sat up.

"Not happening." My mother ruffled his hair and shook his head. I sighed as the doorbell rang. "Oh, that's probably her right now." I watched my father leave for the door.

"Mom, a babysitter?"

"Okay, seriously? I'm straight-up embarrassed, Johanna." Drew shook his head. "I mean, what has he ever done to earn this lack of trust?"

My mother shrugged, "Well, there was the time the two of you blew up the oven." I nodded, remembering the squad of fire trucks. "And there was the time I found the cat in the lettuce crisper. And I'm not gonna name names, but I still can't find my personal massager." She looked over at Drew.

"Drew?" I looked over.

"I thought I returned that." he deadpanned, raising his arms up.

"We have a cat?" I asked, my mother's lips went into a line as she nodded. We all looked up as my father came back into the room, a pretty brown haired girl following after him. "Kenny I would like you to meet your babysitter. This is May Oak." Drew and I looked at each other as she pulled her hair into a ponytail.

"Daisy- May Oak." She waved, her bracelets jingling on her wrist. I swear at that moment heaven opened up and angels started singing. "But you can call me May!"

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler and I can't wait for the weekend._

* * *

"Okay, boys, before we go I wanna go over a few ground rules." My dad stuck his hands in his pockets as we stood outside, May was on her phone near the porch.

"Dad, I know the ground rules." I said,

My father shook his head, "I'm telling Drew mostly." He nodded to May as she approached, "irst, don't go in mommy and daddy's special room."

"I. E. sex dungeon." Drew snorted and I leaned over to pinch him as May laughed.

"Second, you can have a few friends over, but no parties."

"Yeah, we'll see about that, right?" Drew laughed and my father shook his head and crossed his arms.

"And okay, guys, we just got the carpet cleaned. So if you do have friends over, please ask them to take off their shoes." My mother laughed, "And you know we're okay with the birds and the bees, but let's take it easy with too many of these." She threw her head back and my father laughed. "May, keep your eye on these two, okay?"

"Will do, Mrs. Bahler." May nodded.

I moved to hug my mother as she held her arms out, "Bye Mom, have fun."

"Thank you baby- see you in a few days!" I waved them off as my dad honked from the car.

"Dude, your parents are outta town- by law, you have to throw a rager!" Drew shook me by my shoulder.

"Absolutely not, dude. I've got a smokin' hot girl living in my house. I think I'm gonna keep that to myself, thank you very much."

"You selfish son of a bitch! You have a one in a million shot with her!" Drew shook his head, looking over at May as she went inside. "Dude Wait here while I chisel a statue of that with my boner."

"I'll take those odds. And I'm not gonna lower them by inviting over a bunch of drunk douche bags to compete with me." Drew sighed and hung his head.

"This discussion isn't even close to over. Meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes." I rolled my eyes as he left, grumbling about the party.

"You know what, Kenny?" I turned back to see May walk out, keys in hand. "High school is lame enough without having to take the bus. Want a ride?" I could only nod as she clicked the keys to unlock the corvette parked in the driveway.

* * *

"It's uh- it's right here. Just take a left." May nodded as I directed her.

"Good thing I drove instead of you." She sighed as she parked.

"Why?"

"Because you were looking at my boobs the whole way over." May shook her head and laughed, putting her hand on my shoulder. Jesus jeususjsjsususujsueueueueujsesue- "Relax, I was just messing with you. I don't mind."

The bell rang and I pulled away- "Woah woah woah!" I sighed and rolled my eyes as Barry Bennett walked over and May shook her head. "What is wrong with this picture?"

"Uh thank you for the ride." I stammered, hurrying to get out of the car.

"Uh, I'll pick you up after school Kenny!" She nodded, her hand on the clutch.

"What's the deal, Bahler? You got a hot stepmom you didn't tell me about?" Barry laughed as May drove away.

"Actually, Barry, she's a part-time pilates instructor, and we're living together." I shrugged, trying not to sound as excited as I felt.

* * *

"Ah, I guess when I said 'meet me at the bus stop in ten minutes,' you took that more as an, 'if you feel like it' thing." Drew grumbled as I opened my locker.

"Dude, I'm sorry. May gave me a ride to school." I winced,

"Oh! That's great for you, man! Way to include a friend in on that." he nodded, clapping me on the shoulder. "Hey, so I think I found a solution to our party issue, dude."

"Drew. There's no issue because we're not having a party."

"We're not having a party indeed. Because what we're gonna have is a small, sophisticated cocktail soiree, all right? All class, strictly enforced no douche bag policy." I sighed as I closed my locker and began walking towards first period.

"You're so full of shit Drew-" I sighed.

"HEAR ME OUT MAN! I'm talking those little French bread pizzas, and those tiny, not-so-absorbent napkins, bro."

I thought about it. "Okay, that actually sounds pretty awesome."

"Right?!" He bounced on his heels, "It's the perfect way to show a certain smokin' hot babysitter that you're sophisticated college material."

"Here's the only thing. Every time I say yes to you, my life turns into a steaming heap of animal diarrhea." I sighed, "But we can try." I shrugged.

* * *

Giselle pulled Drew off to the side gently, "So what did he say?"

"Well, technically he didn't say no. Better get that mustache waxed, Gis. We're having us a party!" Drew laughed.

Giselle rolled her eyes and walked away, "See you later!"

* * *

I walked into the main room, a glass of water in my hand. "Big plans tonight? Looks like you're heading out to a rager." May asked, adjusting her legs so I could sit down on the couch next to her.

"No." I laughed, "No, no, I'm not into the whole high school scene keggers, and what have you. No, no, I'm I guess I'm just a little bit more sophisticated than that. You know, I prefer my friday evenings to just, you know, make a mean cocktail. Unwind. Just let the stress of the week just melt into my loafers." I nodded and May did too, her brow raised.

"Well, okay then. Dog fancy? You're into dog breeding?" I felt my heart stop,

"I'm into all kinds of breeding, May.. Actually, I almost enjoy it as much as I enjoy the economy and empowered female talk show hosts." I said, flipping through the magazine to show Malva Elliot's magazine.

May nodded, sitting up to reach for her glass of water. "Wow, you're passionate about so many things."

"I.. I guess you could say that. Yeah."

"I could also say that you're full of shit." May laughed, "Look, you're cute, Kenny. But 'a,' I'm, like, ten years older than you, 'b,' I have a boyfriend, and 'c,' I'm your babysitter." I looked down and nodded.

Of course- I'm so dumb. Of course a woman like May has a boyfriend- and anyway, why would she be into me?

"Now," May put the glass back down and sat back. "if you're not going out tonight then why don't we just kick it and find a movie on TV or something? Does that sound sophisticated enough?" I couldn't help but laugh and nod.

"That that would be fine. But I was serious about that cocktail. Can I make you one?" I sat up and pointed to the cabinet above the bar.

"I'll take a rain check, thanks." She sat back and turned on the tv. "I know you're not gonna narc me out- it's just I tend to be a little much when I drink." And I nodded sitting back.

"Well, let me know if you change your mind. My mother taught me how to make one when I was six." I laughed, heading back to my room to change.

When I came back May was standing in the middle of the living room, "Did you order pizza or something? I just saw someone pass by the window.."

"No." I cursed as loud, incessant knocking came from the front door. "I'll be right back." May only nodded as I hurried to the front door.

"Who's ready to party?" Drew asked, a bag of chips in hand.

"Damn it, Drew! I said no party."

"Really? 'Cause I could've sworn you said that actually sounded pretty awesome." He grinned and pushed past me, bringing Giselle and a few more people I didn't know along with him.

"I think you know what I meant." I sighed as I closed the door, following them back into the living room.

"Come on, I mean, just saying next time you might wanna be a little more clear."

* * *

I sat down awkwardly next to May, all of Drew's friends had just come in and sat down too- just one big party of nothing, all was quiet except for Gis and Drew who were raiding the pantry and the music coming from some kids phone. I got up and headed for him. "Dude, give me one reason why I shouldn't throw you and your ass out on the street!"

Drew pursed his lips as he opened a can of coke, "If you're concerned that this little gathering might negatively impact your chances with the babysitter-" Giselle smacked him and motioned for him to quiet down.

"Dude, I'm more concerned with my parents coming home and finding their house destroyed."

Giselle sat up on the counter and opened a bag of chips, "Kenny, these mouth-breathers won't give you any trouble. I mean, half of them have never been to a party before." She held her hand out and I nodded, knowing she was right- obviously. "The other half have curfews before 9:30. I think he's the only one that knows this is a party." She pointed to the boy who was dancing alone.

"Yeah, well, most of these kids are not used to being offline for this long." Drew snorted, before his eyes went wide and he blushed before looking away.

"Kenny this is pathetic!" I turned back to see May, her hands on her hips. "Don't any of you guys know how to rage?" I shook my head while Drew snorted.

"Randy does. That's, like, the fourth beer that dude's shotgunned tonight."

I turned to see.. Randy shotgunning apple juice. "That's apple juice, Drew. My parents don't drink beer- that's why we have the wine cellar. He's shotgunning apple juice."

Drew's smile dropped, "And that poor girl's been smelling her hair all night." he stopped and took a sip of his drink. "And the guy who's tonguing his asthma inhaler probably thinks that counts as a hookup."

Giselle shook her head as she crumpled the bag, "Honestly Kenny, we should have just went to Barry's party."

May rolled her eyes and we all watched as she opened up the liquor cabinet, "Look, I shouldn't do this, but I can't watch you waste a perfectly good night with your parents outta town." and Drew choked when she pulled down the big bottles. "Uh- you, come help me." She pointed at Giselle- who nodded and hurried to stand at her side.

"Whoa, whoa, doesn't this break your sacred babysitting oath or something?" I asked,

May laughed, "No one's driving tonight. And I seriously doubt anyone here is gonna get too crazy." I sat down on the couch and watched as she and Giselle poured the alcohol into punch.

"You keep work on that, and I'll dispense the rest of this to the dork brigade." Gis said as she handed me a cup.

* * *

"What is it about girls named May?" Giselle asked as she turned to Drew, a half empty cup of punch in her hands.

"Hm?" He looked over at her, before she pointed to where Kenny was sitting with May. "Oh, boy. That's gotta tear up your insides, huh? Just knowing that you'll never have one tenth of one percent of that hotness." He took her cup and drank from it.

She pursed her lips and adjusted in her seat. " _You know what I'll bet tears up your insides, Drew?_ The 50 pounds of fast food you shove in your fat, ugly face, every week." She leaned forward and pinched his cheek.

He swatted her hand away, "Hey, babe It takes a lot of processed meat to look this sweet." He sat back and handed her cup back, "I don't know to be honest. I mean- it's not like you're ugly or anything.." He trailed off as she nodded and crossed her arms.

* * *

May took a sip from her cup, twirling her hair around her fingers. "Do you think I'm pretty?"

My mouth went dry as I nodded, "Yes, I think you're pretty."

"You think so?"

"I think you're perfect May."

May nodded and took another sip, "You know what was so cute? When you were acting all sophisticated." She laughed, "Your sweater was too big and you looked like a child who got into their father's clothes."

I couldn't help the blush as I hid my face, "My mom bought it for me- she said I looked like my dad in it."

May shook her head, "And I bet she said you looked handsome in it too huh?" I nodded, "She was setting you up to get your ass beat Kenny. Seriously Kenny- it was cute but you also looked like an idiot."

I shifted in my seat, "Oh." I turned away, a sour taste in my mouth. May leaned over and ran her fingers through my hair, "I kind of, always look like an idiot I guess." My eyes burned as May laughed.

"Come on Kenny- I thought you were tougher than that."

It was then that Barry Bennett of all people walked into my living room. "What's this?" I asked as I pulled away from May.

"Patterson's party got broken up by the cops. Heard this was going on. We're taking over."

"Excuse me? This is MY house- you get out." I moved to stand in front of him.

Drew and Gis pulled me back as Barry rolled his eyes, "Kenny, just leave it." Drew pressed, "There's nothing you can do now. It's a tire fire. Get good and drunk and watch it burn."

"Don't talk to me, Drew."

* * *

I sat back on the couch and watched as the party went on, Drew and Giselle on either side of me. I got up when May headed for the kitchen, her phone to her ear.

"Hey? What's going on?" I asked when she ended it.

"You're father called, they're coming home tonight- your mom got some stomach flu or something. "

I choked, "Wait! May! How how early are they coming back? How much time do we have?"

"Like, an hour and thirty minutes." She said, opening up a bottle of water. "Or wait, in thirty minutes."

O crap... I looked around- the house is trashed and there are so many people. I pushed my way through the crowd, and pulled out the cords to the speakers and stood on the end table. "Everybody, listen up!" I watched as everyone stopped, well, May sat down but everyone else stopped. "Everyone get the fuck out of my house now. Thank you for coming."

There was a collective sigh before Barry nodded, "Move out!" He extended his hand to me and helped me down. "Thanks for letting us crash Bahler." I only nodded in reply as everyone slowly left until only Drew, Gis and May were left.

"Nice outfit." Drew grinned, leaning towards her. "Which dumpster did you get that out of?"

Giselle smiled. "Oh, the same one you got your breakfast in."

"All right, listen up. We have 28 minutes to put this place back together. You two take the bedrooms." I pointed towards the rooms as I started picking up all the stray cups.

Drew sighed, "Come on, Gis. We got some work to do. It's time to use that extra testosterone of yours."

"Shut up, fat ass." Gis spat back as she followed him, _"At least I don't break a sweat opening a bag of chips. Oh, and that dumpster I get my clothes out of is the same one your mom tried to leave you in."_

_"Ha ha- fuck you. Well, the reason you don't sweat is because canines lack sweat glands."_

I sighed as I grabbed a trash bag and hurried to clean up the main room. You could still hear Drew and Gis bickering in the rooms.

_"Listen, you big tub of failure, I'm tired of taking abuse from the guy that looks like the drag queen contestant on biggest loser."_

_"Yeah? Well, I'd rather look like a drag queen than some kind of half Aria Sinclair, half woodchuck nightmare!"_

After ten minutes and a vacuum- I had managed to clean the front part of the house, and Drew and Gis had stopped their bickering. All that left was to take out the trash.

After that I moved to lay down on the couch- stopping once I saw that May was asleep there, cup in her hand.

I sighed and watched her sleep for a second before I went to get her a blanket from the closet and sat down in the recliner, just in time for my parents to unlock the front door.

* * *

_My name is Kenny J. Bahler and I can't wait for Monday._


End file.
